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Wow! @KanyeWest & @KimKardashian are having a baby! Apparently Kanye's "Dark Twisted Fantasy" was to impregnate a talentless reality star.
Looking for an instant attraction? There’s a lot of people out there who LOVE the #McRib. RT if you are one of them. pic.twitter.com/PUrB0qf2
For Christmas I'm giving each of my dogs their own house! What are y'all buying for your dogs? #Xmas #Dogs pic.twitter.com/gcOF9H4Y
.@justinbieber Hi Justin. How's the career going? Good. What's your favorite flavor of #FestiveDoritos?
You are an inspiration to me every day. RT @oprahwinfry Baby It's Cold Outside Ranch Doritos #FestiveDoritos
Has @tacobell released Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos yet? Really all I want for Christmas.
Really offensive that Ke$ha would release a song called "Die Young" so close to the recent tragic shooting events.
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Happy Cyber Monday, y'all! Who will you be cybering with today? Your spouse? Girlfriend/boyfriend? Your uncle? Let me know! #CyberMonday
Braving Black Friday? Our Gingerbread Cookie Shake is the perfect on-the-go treat! Limited time only. Participating restaurants.
9 retweets 6 favoritesDon't be a racist, America! Get out there and take advantage of those Black Friday deals! #blackfriday #deals #3DTV #sales #black
Why not try some Cranberry Aioli this season? Instructions: mix 2 cups Mayonaise with 1 can Cranberries. Mix and serve. #yum #thanksgiving
Turkey Tip: partially deep fry your Turkey an hour before doing a full-fry, to make it extra crispy! #oprahstips #thanksgiving #yummie
Just found out the @Nate_Berkus Show got cancelled! I guess Anderson Cooper filled the "handsome non-threatening gay host" time slot better?
BK® @Cinnabon Minibon® Rolls are now available for just $1 until Nov 18. Limited time only. Restrictions Apply. pic.twitter.com/gsxvnBZJ
Building my "Favorite Things" list for Xmas. I hear Halo 4 is hot. Apparently you can play it on a regular calculator? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Af4Y46dqwQ …
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YouTube
Get in the holiday spirit w/ a FREE @Arbys #PeppermintStick Swirl Shake w/ purchase of any combo. Print your coupon at http://bit.ly/PeppermintShake
It’s #election2012 & I know who I’m voting for – THIS GUY: http://ow.ly/f2Tge
#McCheese2012
As a celeb, I get to vote 10 times instead of once! Gave Mitt 1 of my 10 votes, just to be nice. 8 to Obama. Last one to myself. #OPRAH2012
Not sure if I'm going to vote. Pretty sure Obama's got this one, and I have a lot of things to get done this week.
5 retweets 1 favoriteRemember to vote on the propositions this Tuesday! YES on Prop 2, NO on Prop 3, YES on Prop 7, MAYBE on Prop 43, and ORANGE on Prop 395!
3 retweets 2 favoritesThis crane was pointing straight out until it saw @AnnCoulter :( http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/30/nyregion/crane-accident-at-one57-in-midtown.html?partner=rss&emc=rss&smid=tw-nytimes … #BWOooop
The new Hobbit Denny's menu looks yummie! http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/eats/eat-hobbit-denny-article-1.1191018 … One ring to rule them all, 30 Onion Rings to rule my diarrhea later tonight!
1 favoriteSeriously people, pay more attention to things.
17 retweets 4 favoritesI'll be making a major announcement on Donald Trump's hair next week--stay tuned! @realDonaldTrump
I'll be making a major announcement on President Obama next week--stay tuned!
801 retweets 242 favoritesIt’s a cinnamon celebration at BURGER KING®! Cinnabon® Minibon® Rolls are the perfect treat. Limited time only. Participating restaurants.
19 retweets 5 favoritesI'm bringing back "My Favorite Things"! http://bit.ly/QBnTGY (PS Due to budget cuts, lately my fav things have mostly been "BOGO" coupons).
5 retweets 1 favoriteIt's National Coming Out Day! http://abcnews.go.com/US/national-coming-day-moments-lgbt-history/story?id=17445009#.UHc8cBY-uH8 … So I think it's time for me to say it: I'm gay for pizza! #yummie #meatlovers #cheese
Who's watching the big debate tonight? I'll be having my own debate tonight: Sweat Pants or just a Snuggy with nothing underneath? #comfort
It’s National Cheeseburger Day! Head over to your nearest McDonald’s and pick one (or 2, or 3, we have so many varieties to choose from 
)
Last week "The Talk" did an episode with no makeup http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/tv/showtracker/la-et-st-the-talk-hosts-do-the-show-without-makeup-20120911,0,6407566.story … last time I did that I lost 50% of advertisers pic.twitter.com/Ixz8bKfo
Wasn't sure how a movie could cause massive riots, but after seeing the trailer, I sort of understand. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Zb5FlreN3A …
7 retweets 1 favoriteIf you rearrange the letters in @Reince Priebus' name, it spells "Beer Pics Urine", which also happens to be his #1 Google search query.
Directmessage gayle: bring the lube ;)
1 retweet 1 favoriteStill undecided about who to vote for. Obama is an eloquent thoughtful man, but Romney loves making money? #Decisions
I'll be appearing at the #DNC! I'll have 2 empty couches setup and will conduct an hour long interview. Everyone wins an invisible car.
It’s Labor Day! We think the perfect way to celebrate your day off is with our new Popcorn Chicken at BK®. At participating restaurants.
13 retweets 3 favoritesGot to hand it to Clint, it's not easy to interview an empty chair. Remember I've had to interview the Kardashians. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoqKdWY692k …
7 retweets 6 favorites.@realDonaldTrump Just checked out your birth certificate. Apparently you were born "from a chemical reaction in the bottom of an outhouse"?
What a coincidence--Michelle Obama called Kenya @BarackObama's "homeland" in 2008 http://bit.ly/U8uNH0
.@realDonaldTrump Since peoples' looks are now on the table, did you ever notice the fox pelt sitting atop your fat ham-faced head?
.@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.
Arby's Sauce or Horsey Sauce? http://instagram.com/p/NeSZBcty4y/ #ToughQuestions
Today is a Hot Buffalo Shrimp kind of day!
15 retweets 2 favoritesIf @hooters added "Wing Eating" to the Olympics: move over Phelps because there's a new record medal holder and she's covered in BBQ sauce!
If @Hooters hosted the Olympics we would add Hula Hooping and Wing Eating to the competitions :)
Here's a photo of the scalps I've collected from my least favorite guests. http://instagram.com/p/NzVDgrSSzD/
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Why is gaining weight so easy and fast. Loosing weight takes forever to see results. I guess good things come to those who wait
5,686 retweets 1,478 favoritesStill get disgusted by how people judge others by weight. Either "fat" or "skinny". Nothing is ever good enough...
6,564 retweets 2,099 favoritesBrrrr, it is freezing in my house! I think someone set the air conditioner too cold. Don't you just hate that? Getting my snuggie.
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Congratulations in advance to all winners of Olympics, Tim.
172 retweets 97 favoritesI'm going to Gay-Marry a Chick-fil-A Chicken Sandwich in protest. Then I'm going to eat it. @ChickfilA
This new Bob Dylan song about the Titanic is quite the epic! #summerjams http://vimeo.com/46246490 @timheidecker
Vimeo
Chick-fil-A anti-gay? http://www.advocate.com/business/2012/07/17/chick-fil-coo-dan-cathy-officially-comes-out-antigay#.UAcY9WqtzCx.twitter … I knew this day would come: support fried chicken, or @Rosie's right to marry/divorce? #choices
Arby's Fries in the frozen foods section?? Total. Gamechanger. Gonna clear out the local Sam's Club and fire up the deepfryer in my bedroom!
8 retweets 4 favoritesYou can now find our famous Curly Fries in the frozen food section at your local supermarket! http://www.grubgrade.com/2012/07/16/fast-food-fries-at-the-supermarket/ … (via @GrubGrade)
R E T W E E T If Hooters Makes You Happy!
283 retweets 7 favorites#TheDateWasOverWhen you said there were no more Bacon Cheeseburger Sliders left.
@oprahwinfry Do you have the faith to trust a man who believes the Spirit has inspired him with the movie of the decade starring YOU?
Sausage McMuffins with Egg are 2 for $3 – anyone feel like sharing? ;)
5 retweets 3 favoritesSo my parents are getting a divorce. http://www.democratandchronicle.com/usatoday/article/56126076 … That means I gotta hang out with just Dad on weekends. Gonna be so awkward.
2 retweets 1 favoriteI still haven't figured out how the hell @Rosie landed the role of Betty Rubble all those years ago.
Hooters fried pickles >>>>>>>>>
19 retweets 4 favoritesIt's July 4! BBQing up some "Oprah Dogs": hot dogs boiled in BBQ sauce, topped with mini hot-dogs, on a hot-dog infused ciabatta bun! #yummy
I'll be on an episode of Keeping Up w/Kardashians! http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/oprah-winfrey-to-appear-on-keeping-up-with-the-kardashians-2012276 … It'll have more giant asses than the Republican National Convention!
2 retweets 4 favoritesBeen eating #SpicyMcBites all day, and I'm afraid my office is starting to smell like a hottub of old men and diarrhea. #yummie #upsettummie
Looking for spicy perfection? Our #SpicyMcBites are calling your name. Pop ‘em while they’re hot! http://youtu.be/U4FYaqazuaA
Pop quiz: find the one person in this picture who actually earned all her money through hard work. (Hint: It's me) pic.twitter.com/Y1VWKXYf
I interviewed MJ's daughter Paris! http://bit.ly/KKH3N6 She insists he was no pedophile, however he was definitely "a creepy weirdo"
5 retweets 3 favoritesWe appreciate all who serve & have served our great nation! Today all Military Vets & Active Duty get 10 FREE Wings @Hooters #MemorialDay
For Memorial Day I flew my entire staff for a weekend stay in Hawaii! Where did your boss send YOU for Memorial Day weekend?
9 retweets 7 favoritesI'm selling my Chicago apartment! http://bit.ly/MoGHsu I never lived there, but I had plenty of ...encounters there. #BootyCallHideout
I'm getting my own section on @HuffingtonPost! http://www.thewrap.com/tv/article/oprah-winfrey-gets-own-section-huffington-post-41251 … Mostly it will be reviews of fast food joints but also sideboob photos!
@oprahwinfry I agree wit u dey look scary & funny atleast thy mst try bettr outfits
Going to the @HoZacRecords Blackoutfest in Chicago this weekend! A band called Ketamines is playing; they look scary! pic.twitter.com/D6RmyjlW
So J.Lo topped me on the @Forbes Celebrity 100 list? http://onforb.es/J8rPjj ... first the Celebrity Asses 100 list and now this. Guh.
It's true. Rosie is so gay she treats carpet samples like they were Costco samples. #rugmuncher pic.twitter.com/JTxNqrsl
Glad to hear @BarackObama is supportive of Gay Marriage. My pal @Rosie is waiting for him to show his support of Gay Divorce next.
Well I guess now I know why John Travolta ignored all my advances. #SaturdayNightWeiner
Encouraged by the NC anti gay marriage law. It clearly means we're in a time machine & I'll be able to tell my past self not to start OWN!
2 retweets 2 favoritesRIP MCA from the Beastie Boys. Never understood your lyrics though. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJAGJ8ckmZY …
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PS this only works in person, NOT via Twitter. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/25/oprah-feeds-homeless-man-_n_1453642.html … #OprahGimmeMoney
Not gonna lie, y'all. Gayle and I got super baked for 4/20 and we've been watching the Weather Channel for 5 hours.
19 retweets 14 favoritesI had a dream like this once. Let's just say Young Oprah knows how to eat a pie. #cunninglinguist pic.twitter.com/jtVxNzYR
Whats up with the Filet O'Fish? Everything else on the menu is a Scottish "Mc" but the fish is Irish? Anyways, I'm eating 4 for dinner.
3 retweets 2 favoritesI've eaten so many Loco Doritos Tacos in the last month that my sweat tastes like nacho cheese. #TacoBell #TeamTaco #Run4TheBorder #yummie
I keep hearing about this "Bubba" guy who won that golf tournament. It's funny because "Bubba" is Stedman's nickname for my lady parts!
4 retweets 4 favoritesRick Santorum has pulled out of the election? Must have made a mess! [via frothy mixtures]
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Good start to your week? Make it even better with one of our Pick N' Pair #Lunch combos! http://www.applebees.com/menu/pick-n-pair …
@oprahwinfry
repent or you will
be damned to eternal
condemnation.I read
about your religion
where u receive
praise due 4 God
Apparently Ima die in 2 years. Y'all gonna be shocked when I rise from the dead a few days later! #daughterofgod pic.twitter.com/wSweuzaT
Happy Easter y'all! I'm having my chef cook some Cadbury Creme Egg's Benedict this morning. A delicacy! Mini Eggs on the side. #hehasrisen
Hour 12 of my Tyler Perry movie marathon! Gayle is asleep on the couch. I just drew the sickest wang on her forehead!
5 retweets 3 favoritesWhoops! Did the old "reply to twitter DM Text Message instead of in the twitter app" goof. How do I delete?
1 retweet 1 favoriteI'll bark like a dog if you put the leash on me BB ;-)
4 retweets 3 favoritesJa-moch-a Shake! So much fun to say & even more fun to drink! http://instagr.am/p/I-rDd1ty3T/
5 retweets 3 favoritesReally hoping no one that is considering voting Republican in this years presidential election watches my shows. That would be gross!
7 retweets 3 favoritesSo it's true, we had to cancel the Rosie show. But I have an ace up my sleeve: Jenny Jones is back, this fall on OWN!
5 retweetsApparently Stedman's proposal was an April Fools prank. My "prank" is him sleeping in the guest house this month.
12 retweets 3 favoritesStedman and I just got engaaaaged!
14 retweets 5 favoritesPeople ask me for money a lot. What am I, the International Bank of Oprah? Give me ideas to save my failing TV network, THEN we'll talk.
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Did you know that you can get 2 Sausage McMuffins with Egg for just $3.79? The affordable way to be happy and full!
5 retweets 1 favoriteDid y'all catch me on @jimmykimmel last night? I call it my "rock bottom" moment. Only gets better from here!
And...the magical @Oprah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEfNFrMBkBo&feature=channel_video_title …
Happy Valentines' Day! I sent a V-card to John Travolta but he said he couldn't be my Valentine because of some Scientology rule </3
9 retweets 9 favoritesLove is in the air at McDonald's! Couples say "I do" in Hong Kong 'McWeddings'. http://ow.ly/943US
7 retweets 2 favoritesSorry, I gave the tickets to Gayle. She lost hers. :-P
1 favoriteBeen awhile since I gave away something to my fans. Who wants two free Superbowl tickets??
4 retweets 5 favoritesIt's my birthday! Like always I will be hitting every restaurant in Chicago collecting my free desserts! #Chilis #RedLobster #AppleBees
How will your family be celebrating Oprah's Birthday today? Will RT a select few...
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@oprahwinfry Are you freakin kidding me??? We are not rich like you!! The closest kind of car that I'm gonna get is a hot wheels!!! GEEZ!!!
Merry Christmas, y'all! for Christmas Stedman got me a Rolls Royce with a giant bow on it. What kind of car did you get!
9 retweets 3 favoritesHaven't tweeted for awhile. Been trying to save my struggling network! Would you guys watch "Oprah's Toilet Cam"? #NeedAHit
Every day is Black Friday at my house. (I'm black)
105 retweets 39 favoritesHappy Thanksgiving, y'all! Check out our Rosie O'Donnell float in the Macy's Parade. It's life size!
2 retweets 1 favoriteThis may look gross, but all I'm thinking now is "yes, Chicken Mousse IS possible" http://bit.ly/olB61b #yum
Turkey shipment arrived at my house today. 100 live turkeys! Can't wait to break their necks and roast them up for Thursday. #freshmeat #DIY
Who likes @kraftmacncheese? 'Cause it's now available on the Arby's Value Menu & on the Arby's Kids Menu! http://ow.ly/7ycek
Wow, some of y'all are crazy.
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RT if you have chlamydia.
362 retweets 51 favoritesSo, Gayle Leaves, and all of a sudden Regis becomes available. Been looking to improve our 65+ demographic!
1 retweet 1 favoriteSeeking: replacement for abandoned Gayle King show. Must be: loyal, honest, not named "Gayle". Enjoyment of Burger King a plus #LunchBuddies
Hey Gayle, have fun with Charlie Rose on your new CBS show. I heard he "accidentally" pops into dressing rooms when you shower. #pervert
My "friend" Gayle quit her show on my network! http://bit.ly/rX61GE Hope you like your new job at CBS. P.S. The freebies stop NOW. #steamed
Check it out, y'all! I won an Oscar for "best bribe to an Oscar committee"! http://twitpic.com/7dr59n
6 retweets 5 favoritesHere's Herman Cain demonstrating his famous "boob squeeze" technique. pic.twitter.com/Hrn26CRh
Be the change that you want to see in the world. BE YOU. Your are the change.
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@oprahwinfry Hi Oprah-Let's have lunch-My Aha moment would be meeting you and having you try my new shaving razor-do a show on inventors.
What do you think came first? Chicken McNuggets or the Egg McMuffin?
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@oprahwinfry This utube snip should have NO reflection on Herman Cain --- you know Cain didn't approve or want it. Makes me feel defensive!
I met Herman Cain once. He put his hand on my thigh and I threatened to sue him. We worked out a deal. #FreePizzaForLife
Not sure what to think about Herman Cain. On the one hand, he's goes against all my beliefs. On the other hand, this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1D0quttOeY …
4 retweets 3 favoritesThe return to Standard Time meant I got to have two 2am snacks last night! #burritos
Not even these hot coals could keep me from the McRib combo meal on the other side pic.twitter.com/nikIe8Cf #yummy
The 7 Wonders of the Personal Development World - includes quotes by @oprahwinfry
Best costume I've seen come to my door so far! #Halloween pic.twitter.com/dxE14c03
Since Kim Kardashian is going through a divorce now, is it still OK if I dress as her giant ass for Halloween?
14 retweets 2 favoritesCheck out my friend @timheidecker's podcast #OnCinema: http://oncinemapodcast.tumblr.com/ ... might consider giving him a movie review show on OWN
Kids love coming to my door on Halloween. I give out full-sized combo meals, none of that Kids Meal crap Gayle gives out! #WithCheese
I didn't mean to offend anyone, but if I'm dressing as Oprah for Halloween, of COURSE I'm going to have to wear 'blackface'.
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If anything I'd get my boobies done, but I'm scared of surgery. Maybe after I have my future beautiful 4 babies! #milfdreams 
The McRib is back in the USA! I've bought up all McRibs in the Chicago metro area. Gonna eat till BBQ sauce is spewing out of my ears!
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@Oprah Hi Oprah, somebody has a twitter with ur name, writing dumb things pretending 2 b u!!luv ur dogs!
Anyone else watch this "Sister Wives" show? When I first heard about I assumed it was another Tyler Perry sitcom. Nope! #polygamy
Drunk! Me & Rosie are at a gay bar. May have had my first lezbo experience while I was throwing up in the toilet & realized it was occupied.
5 retweets 8 favoritesHere's me & Rosie doing Tequila shots: http://huff.to/njNqu6 ..Sadly video cuts out before I make Rosie do a "body shot" from my cleavage!
3 retweets 1 favoriteWe briefly considered broadcasting my new show in 3D, but thought people might be afraid I'd "put an eye out" with my massive chest beefers.
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Woke up w/a serious case of "meat sweats" this morning. Shouldn't have ordered one of everything at @Arbys. When will I learn? #Curlyfries
#cnndebate Do any of you GOP think you'd stand a chance against Oprah in the 2016 election? Theoretically, I mean.
@KathyJaxn no
1 retweetThe only thing to be BLUE about this Monday is Hooters Blue Cheese Burger! Enjoy one of our 6 specialty 1/2 lb. de http://twitpic.com/71rig0
3 retweets 1 favoriteDid y'all figure it out yet? My new show "Lifeclass" is just me recycling old Oprah episodes then talking overtop! #PhoningItIn
What are y'all going to be for Halloween? I'm thinking of being "The Thing" from that new movie. Probably just leave the house in my sweats.
1 retweetNot sure people are digging my new show. Might just make a new show called "Favorite Things" and give crap out every episode. #materialism
What did y'all all think about the first episode of my new show about controlling your ego? (it aired on the network with my name in it)
8 retweets 1 favoriteMy new show starts today! It's a sitcom about 2 black girls (Gayle and I) trying to make it in the cutthroat world of advertising!
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@oprahwinfry Marriage is a relationship for two in which one person is always right and the other is the husband. Are you agree?
Opening my own restaurant, featuring a pool filled with gravy, & you swim up to the bar to get your biscuits. After hours clothing optional!
3 retweets 1 favoriteI heard it's Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. Sounds like a good excuse to deep fry a turkey and smother it in maple syrup. Sweet and Savory!
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@oprahwinfry Love you Oprah.Your one of the greatest people I know. The world realy needs more people lik you!!!!
"Boneless Wings" were the greatest invention since the cotton gin, y'all.
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Just had a midnight snack: my famous homemade "Sloppy-Os"! Ketchup, ground beef, spaghetti sauce and Prem, served on a cheesebun! #yum
For Halloween I'm going as Nancy Grace's exposed nipple.
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Check out this behind the scenes photo of my new show. We had @alyankovic as our special guest! http://yfrog.com/nt11woj
The rumors are true: my new show "Oprah's Lifeclass" will feature the return of my former cohost, Mr @Andy_Richter!
Are y'all excited about my new show "Masterclass"? The first episode is mostly review, but by week 4 we'll be knee deep in quantum theory!
1 retweetWhich one of Nancy Grace's 4 nipples slipped out? http://gawker.com/5844112/nancy-grace-suffers-major-wardrobe-malfunction-on-dwts …
2 retweets 3 favoritesJust got off the treadmill. Put Gold Bond medicated powder on my sweaty lady parts. So dry and tingly down there!
6 retweets 1 favoriteAhoy, Mateys! Let's set sail for Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrby's! #TalkLikeAPirate http://youtu.be/mtocNAsBDmo
Ryan O'Neal blaming me for not fixing his relationship with his daughter? http://bit.ly/pLzmrY Sorry, was busy RUNNING MY OWN MEDIA EMPIRE.
2 retweets 3 favoritesIf I still had my show I would totally have on the mothers from "Toddlers & Tiaras". Televised child abuse has never been so cute and funny!
4 retweets 1 favoriteGuess I should plug some other Harpo shows. Tune in next week for The Nate Berkus show. It's "Drapes" week! So many draaapes! #Boring
I'm streaming a live chat on Facebook soon! http://bit.ly/nCqbHv Ask me ANYthing! I hear you can make big $ doing webchats. #OprahsOFace ;-)
Need more hits on my website http://bit.ly/qlDMCP ... thinking about paid memberships: access to exclusive Oprah boudoir pix! #40DoubleDs
Nancy Grace is on the new season of "Dancing With The Stars"? In a shocking twist, Casey Anthony is one of the judges.
6 retweets 1 favoriteSo Lada Gaga appeared on the VMAs dressed as a man with a fake penis. http://bit.ly/pCHKEL ...Seems a bit redundant. Having two penises.
11 retweets 1 favorite@robdelaney Want a show on my network? Are you an expert on anything? Even if you have no credentials! Remember Dr Phil has a show. #rdtv
Beyonce is pregnant? Sounds like Jay-Z got a little Biz-Z and fired some Jiz-Z right in Beyonce's Sliz-Z! (Sorry, I've been drinking)
63 retweets 12 favoritesJust read some followers replies, and all I could think of was this: pic.twitter.com/Y0szzV3
So Katie Couric's new show is called "Katie". I predict this show is going to flop harder than me taking a dive into my pool. #TidalWave
What’s a better motivator than some delicious BURGER KING®? Keep track of who finishes the most chores and buy them a BK® Kids Meal!
9 retweets 2 favorites.@Forbes says Lady Gaga is more powerful than me? http://soc.li/aBYs8HK I thought it was a list of powerful Women, not Post-op Trannys
We are doing a centerfold in the next issue of O Magazine. I'll be wearing nothing but whipped cream! #OprahSundae #yummy
Can't believe "@oprahwinfry" isn't on the Twitter Awards list for Twitter Queen! http://nationallampoon.com/twitterawards Write me in, y'all!
Lots of people think Stedman is just with my because I'm rich. It's simpler than that: the man just loves giant cans. #BreastMan
Thought I sharted in my pants but I guess it was just an earthquake?
9 retweets 1 favoriteWin a chance to meet me! http://bit.ly/oJfGBt Or just head down to Burger King pretty much any lunch hour, I sit in the booth by the ballpit
1 retweetMy website is still active and full of useful info, like this article about maintaining your sliz and poop chute! http://www.oprah.com/health/Womens-Health-Physical-Therapy-Pelvic-Floor-Rehab …
2 retweets 1 favoriteKeep hearing about Deep Fried Butter at the Iowa State Fair. http://bit.ly/pI4EBC I bet it goes down smooth and comes out smoother! #yummy
Tyler Perry getting own network? http://blogs.ajc.com/radio-tv-talk/2011/08/10/report-tyler-perry-following-oprah-with-own-cable-channel/?cxntlid=thbz_hm … Just because you wear a fat-lady suit don't make you Oprah, Tyler pic.twitter.com/J7Tz70j
Can't believe the riots going on in London! It looks like one of my "Favorite Things" audiences out there, only with less female orgasms.
4 retweets 1 favoriteCurb your friend’s need 2 try your food @ dinner by getting BK® Minis! There’s plenty to go around. Restrictions apply. http://shout.lt/aqwv
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8 ways to eat well when you're on the road http://ow.ly/5WtAI
7 retweets 5 favoritesWho else is loving these BK Minis from @BurgerKing?? http://bit.ly/ogyYft So delicious, and good for you (half the calories)! #yummy #4AtOnce
I'm giving Rosie a new show again! http://www.vancouversun.com/entertainment/Rosie+Donnell+prepares+talk+show+Oprah+network/5191779/story.html … Know how I look good after 3 hours of makeup? With her we don't even bother trying.
My favorite sandwich at #Arbys is BEEF'N'CHEDDAR with a side of MOZZY STICKS and a cold, refreshing CHEESE SAUCE to drink.
Fill in the blanks! My favorite sandwich at #Arbys is ___________ with a side of __________ and a cold, refreshing _________ to drink.
Yesterday Gayle asked me if I ever watch her show on my TV network. Honestly, I forget I ever approved that project. When is it on??
1 retweet 1 favoriteRT this post if you could go for a Bacon Cheddar Ranch TENDERCRISP® right about, oh, let’s just say … NOW! http://bit.ly/aOMlKh
29 retweets 1 favoriteFinally got my custom toilet installed at home! The extra large drain circumference should ensure no more clogs the day after taco night.
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True fact: during one episode of the Nate Berkus show, the entire audience fell asleep from boredom! #OprahsProgeny
Just realized that since I no longer have a show, I will never get the chance to say "Every! One! Gets! An! Alpaca!".. That's bugged out yo!
5 retweets 3 favoritesCan't believe all this stuff happening with Rupert Murdoch. Proud to say the only hacks at @O_Magazine are our writing staff!
@oprahwinfry that sucks. I would never have a late night taco after that dream. I watched the video and I still feel bad. Sorry Oprah.
Shouldn't have had late night Taco Bell before bed! Had crazy nightmares, basically like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2N01FfgZeo8 …
1 favoriteGonna be filling these out all weekend! #Whoppers #yummy
http://yfrog.com/kf86cpij
Heads up to @Applebees: I'm coming for dinner tomorrow night. Do NOT run out of riblets this time! #AllYouCanEatRiblets #boneless
I wonder if the Hamburglar ever burgles ham? Back to McDonalds to find out! #McGriddle
So hot this summer! I'm sweating more than the block of cheese I left on the counter last night that I just ate while I typed this.
1 retweet 3 favoritesI'm Oprah and I can't even get a Google+ Invite. Give me an invite and I'll give you the sought-after 3am slot on the Oprah Winfry Network!
4 retweets 3 favoritesOh I loves me some cheddar! I'm going to make a giant cheese pile and call it Ched Island! #chedisland
Today on Oprah: a muumuu.
3 retweetsWhen you combine a McRib with a Double Down, it's called a "Balrog Dinner". Try it! #yummy #balrogdinner
How about that basketball game last night? LeBron choked worse than me that time I ate an entire bucket of KFC, bones and all!
3 retweets 2 favoritesJust ordered a DQ Popcorn Shrimp Blizzard! Custom made. If you want one just ask for "The Oprah Special". #WithExtraSeafoodSauce
Sorta bummed I don't have a show anymore. Really want to interview that Weiner guy. Speaking of which: off to 7-11 for a corn-dog! #yummy
Y'all miss me yet? Thinking I might get a new talkshow on TBS like @conanobrien did. I bet Tyler Perry could hook me up!
To all those people who had the "Dr Oz Show" take over my timeslot: I'm sorry. I don't have the best track record with doctors.
1 favoriteJust hosted an impromptu Oprah show in my living room using my dogs as guests. Had two "a-ha" moments. Seeking help.
9 retweets 4 favoritesI haven't left my bed in 3 days! My help just keeps on bringing me food and changing the sheets when I "go". Truly living my best life!
3 retweets 6 favoritesCleaning out Oprah set. I think I forgot to tell the audience to "look under your seat" a few times b/c we found a LOT of crap under there.
6 retweets 5 favoritesGuh. Massive hangover from afterparty last night. Apparently "getting wasted and puking all over myself" is also one of my "Favorite Things"
4 retweets 5 favoritesI tried to get Dr. Phil to retire along with me, but it didn't work. Sorry y'all.
4 retweets 4 favoritesI've been telling people "you go girl!" all these years, and now it's time for me to go, girl. #OprahFinale
Yep, lots of singing on today's show too. Anyways, last show tomorrow! Spoiler: it's a Dr Oz episode. #finale
Tune in Tuesday for part two of the "subject the audience to Oprah's questionable taste in music" special!
3 retweets 1 favoriteLast week of shows begins today! The last episode will be a variation on "Favorite Things", only we give away parts of the Oprah set.
1 retweetTodays Show: that liar James Frey: http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/James-Frey-After-the-Million-Little-Pieces-Controversy-Part-1 … he thinks we're doing an interview, but really it's payback. #WaterTorture #scorpions
Lot's of great past "Aha!" moments on today's show. http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/The-Greatest-Lessons-on-The-Oprah-Show … Here is my favourite one: http://bit.ly/mKDhfe
4 retweets 1 favoriteBy the way, guess who has Obama on her show tomorrow? That's right. ME!
6 retweets 3 favoritesThere goes my biggest ever interview for sweeps. Season 25 was going to go out with a bang! Maybe Hugh Jackman is available.
3 retweets 2 favoritesI'd marry my iPad if it was legal to marry a tablet.
8 retweets 4 favoritesToday on Oprah: Look & Feel 20 years younger! http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/Turn-Back-the-Clock-Look-and-Feel-20-Years-Younger … ...but inside you know you are the same old bag of crap.
4 retweets 2 favoritesI can't believe my show is almost over! After the final show, all I'll have is this twitter account. And my own network. And all the money.
10 retweets 4 favorites@timheidecker thanks for letting me do a cameo in your new film! Cant wait to air the exclusive "Behind the Scenes" on OWN!
At #SXSW, about to have some BBQ! By the end of the day I'll be sticky with BBQ sauce and likely covered in ants (again)!
Check me out, I'm on TV! Gimme an Oscar! I'm Oprah!
8 retweets 5 favoritesIf you like today's episode w/my half sister, you'll love tomorrow's with my OTHER half sister. Then on Wednesday we create 1 whole sister!
5 retweets 6 favoritesEver notice all my recent episodes are basically just me showcasing how popular I am?
4 retweets 3 favoritesYes my new TV Channel is called "Oprah Winfrey Network", aka "OWN". Just wanted to drive the point home: I own a lotta stuff. #$$$
10 retweets 2 favoritesHappy New Year! I'm drunk on champagne and I just propositioned my trainer! After I brought out my wallet he said yes. Gonna be a good year!
8 retweets 8 favoritesHope you all had a Merry Christmas! I bought myself all my own presents. Stedman's gifts just dont cut it. He's so poor!
6 retweets 5 favorites... "like a second Hiroshima" I believe is how they described it.
3 retweets 5 favoritesSorry about Jackman- http://bit.ly/fBS8hj Was supposed to be ME on the zipline, but they were afraid I would fall and "kill everybody below"
2 retweets 1 favoriteAre ya'll enjoying all the repeats this month? I seriously haven't left my La-Z-Boy since November! So many bedsores / pies.
4 retweets 1 favoriteToday on Oprah: "Aging Beauty" http://bit.ly/aI23uA We have 3 aging celebs telling us how it's ok to get old! Triple Decker GILF Sandwich!
4 retweets 2 favoritesOn today's show, audience members received McDonald's & a copy of Keith Urban's new CD. How's that for an "Anti-Favorite Things" episode?
1 retweet 2 favoritesToday: Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman! http://bit.ly/g9pVr1 Nicole made us promise to not use that chair her ex Tom Cruise jumped all over.
1 retweetI had my staff cook 50 Turkeys and then peel off the skin. Threw the rest out. Time to chow down on a Turkey Skin Pie!
3 retweets 6 favorites..Realized how many homeless I could have sheltered for the price of those "Favorite Things" episodes. Oh well. People need diamond watches!
5 retweets 2 favoritesToday: Mom who married a jailed convicted killer! http://bit.ly/e8hTha I wonder if he gets to participate in "Bring Your Child To Work Day"?
1 favoriteYou heard me; each audience member gets their own island! Check them out here! http://bit.ly/9WDxLE #FavoriteThings
Today: My ULTIMATE Favorite Things!! http://bit.ly/ccS9EJ Every. One. Gets. An. Iiiislaaaandd!
2 retweets 2 favoritesToday's faith healer was part of a proposed "Flim Flam Man" week. John Edward and Peter Popoff weren't available though (busy being awful).
1 retweet 1 favoriteToday: Do You Believe in Miracles? http://bit.ly/cb2rA9 Faith healer cures people! [via people being desperate uneducated and gullible]
1 retweet 1 favoriteToday: Streisand! http://bit.ly/dfq8Ev An inspirational woman who showed us you don't need a good voice or good looks to be a star!
1 retweet 2 favoritesToday on Oprah: The Color Purple Reunion! http://bit.ly/cdp2B6 And also a sneak peak of "The Color Purple 2: The Mauve Conspiracy". In 3D!
2 retweets 3 favoritesWondering who got McDonald's to bring back the McRib? Let's just say: you're welcome. #ThePowerOfOprah
Today: Donahue, Sally Jessy & more! http://bit.ly/aeK7o6 With Montel's show now over, my master plan is complete. I win the talk show wars!
1 retweet 4 favoritesOn today's show we have former President George W Bush! He told me to tell Obama "sorry for the mess" for him, I guess because I'm black??
13 retweets 6 favoritesToday on Oprah: 200 Men! http://bit.ly/aT0wlT Oooh, sounds good! Now let me read what the topic is...ah... oh. Whoops.
3 retweets 3 favoritesToday: More of my camping trip with Gayle http://bit.ly/acIzLm ...it's basically like "The Simple Life" but with less attractive women.
4 retweets 2 favoritesToday: Ricky Martin! http://bit.ly/900wig He's gay! That makes 2 gays in a row on my show. Can we do all 5 days? Gaaaay Weeeek! #gayweek
Today: Portia De Rossie's deadly secret! http://bit.ly/c3JXCP Not even Ellen knew! I guess she never, like, just looked at her.#SkinAndBones
Today Gayle & I go camping! http://bit.ly/bVAmjJ Does a bear poop in the woods? Well I DO know that an Oprah poops in Gayle's sleeping bag!
3 retweets 5 favoritesSomeone else suing me? http://huff.to/ckLE83 Honey I get sued every day, and I always win the case via the court of "Oprah breaks-yo-legs"
4 retweetsToday: America's Worst Cooks! http://bit.ly/9vU7ba ...Once I deep fried a Turducken & ate it all myself. Worst diarrhea of my life friends.
On Today's show, I casually toss around the term "Miracle". http://bit.ly/bbw1gj Yesterday I had a miracle: free McNuggets from Monopoly!
5 retweets 2 favoritesToday on Oprah: Notorious Killer Moms! http://bit.ly/bwoLUa The only way to help a murdering mom is... a complete MAAAKE OVEEER! Tune in!
2 retweets 1 favoriteToday: Lisa Marie Presley talks about MJ! http://bit.ly/9AIgji Wait until you hear about the time she found Michael's nose..in her cooch!
7 retweets 3 favoritesToday on Oprah: The Sister Wives! http://bit.ly/8YmnqO Sure he's nailing 4 wives, but not at the same time. This guy is doing it all wrong!
1 favoriteToday on Oprah, take the "Are you normal" test! http://bit.ly/axt86p ...it turns out the things I do with butter in private are NOT normal.
3 retweetsTodays show is boring, so let's take a moment to recognize some of the delusional crazies who post comments on my site! http://bit.ly/cMXOjl
1 retweet 2 favoritesToday: former LAPD Detective Mark Fuhrman http://bit.ly/c2YCqF ... Remember when OJ got away with murder? That was this guys good work!
3 retweetsTomorrow we have some 30 Year Old Virgins... http://bit.ly/cV8WwV Wait till they found out our big surprise... Yep! They're getting laid!
3 retweets 3 favoritesToday we revisit a man who exposed the secret world of "straight guys who have sex with men". http://bit.ly/9tx88q Straight as a corkscrew.
1 retweet 3 favoritesToday's Show: A Mom with 20 Personalities! http://bit.ly/ayzoaJ You don't want to miss when "Mrs Applebottom" gets in a fight with "Chet"!
3 retweets 2 favoritesToday on Oprah: "The Mom Who Fathered Her Own Children" http://bit.ly/94CyUc ..what does that mean? Here's a hint: she has a penis.
1 retweetToday on Oprah: Jenny McCarthy! http://bit.ly/dtKX2z ...Will she spread more dangerous misinformation about children's diseases? Tune in!
6 retweets 1 favoriteToday on Oprah: Tony Danza! http://bit.ly/dyY4u8 ...Watch him cry when I inform him that I'm The Boss. He cries like a little girl.
3 retweets 2 favoritesToday on Oprah we have yet another "Big Announcement". What's it gonna be?? Are you excited?? http://bit.ly/cz7pP3
1 retweet 1 favoriteI think yesterdays episode feat. Liza Minnelli proves I'm just about going to have whoever I want on my show this season, ratings be damned.
1 favoriteToday on Oprah, I reveal my latest Book Club selection! Who am I about to make rich while destroying their street-cred?
1 retweet 2 favorites... I'm thinking "Plausible".
2 retweets 1 favoriteToday we talk to Discovery Channel hostages! http://bit.ly/95Kts1 Really I just want to get on Mythbusters to answer:"Is Oprah The Saviour?"
3 retweets 1 favoriteSorry for the confusion about yesterday's trip to Australia. It's only for people IN THE AUDIENCE, not every single viewer. Seemed obvs.
2 retweets 3 favorites...if you answered "Slurpees" or "Herpes", you're both right.
2 retweetsFarewell season starts today! http://bit.ly/bQaxsN You won't believe the surprise I have for my audience! Hint: rhymes with "burpees".
New episodes start next week! Which Oprah will I be: fat Oprah, skinny Oprah, barely-hanging-in-there Oprah? Tune in and find out!
1 retweet 3 favoritesToday:Woman Who Lost 530 Pounds http://bit.ly/dCeaTb ..She used diet from Woman's World with the most exclamation marks http://bit.ly/cwQoQI
2 retweets 6 favoritesToday's repeat of Oprah, we go vegan with Alicia Silverstone! http://bit.ly/aZQASW ...what % of vegans have hairy pits? Is it a side effect?
4 retweetsToday's Oprah has the "Cake Boss" guy http://bit.ly/dz3iaR Baked me an Oprah-shaped cake. Stedman says it tastes better than the real thing.
4 retweetsToday's Oprah is a Repeat! I'll actually be chowing down on Steakhouse XTs at the local Burger King for most of August. http://bit.ly/cRukA6
1 retweet 1 favoriteThinking Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet for lunch. Who is in? Love that dessert pizza. Like my 2 fav things mashed-up.
7 retweets 3 favoritesWhat did you think about the transgendered teen on yesterdays show? ...would you? You know what I mean. Aren't you curious whats down there?
4 retweets 2 favoritesI'm Number 1 on the Forbes Celebrity Power list again! Treating myself to a BK Steakhouse XT tonight; I've earned it! http://bit.ly/b1JDnb
6 retweets 1 favoriteToday on Oprah: The most talented girl in the world! http://bit.ly/9kSfU3 Bold claim, I know. She's no Kim Kardashian but give her time.
2 retweets 2 favoritesToday on Oprah: Join Oprah's Debt Diet! http://bit.ly/9iJBxO ... Ironically, the one diet I DON'T need to be on.
5 retweets 3 favoritesToday on Oprah: Peter Walsh! That guy who gets people to throw crap out of their houses. You know, hoarders. Get rid of those rotting cats!
4 retweetsToday on Oprah: Bret Michaels! Watch as I convince him to remove the bandana. What's underneath? http://bit.ly/d5AL9i
6 retweets 2 favoritesI'm holding a contest to host your own show! Take a look at this submission: http://bit.ly/9W0KFP ...so yeah, the bar is set pretty low.
Today on Oprah: I reveal why I'll never diet again! http://bit.ly/bmj4jG Hint: it's related to how much I like cheeseburgers inside me.
4 retweets...into your Book Club.
1 retweetToday on Oprah: Laura Bush and the Bush Twins! You've never seen this much Bush on Oprah, other than that time I forgot to put on underwear.
2 retweets2Day is no fone zone day! http://bit.ly/b0TVtj dont txt in yr car, like im doing rite now. oops just ran a redlite LOL
4 retweetsToday on Oprah: exclusive interview with John Edwards' mistress! http://bit.ly/cZeQQH Also, I now have enough episodes to do a "Skank Week".
1 retweet 2 favoritesToday's Oprah: Celebs return to their 1st jobs! http://bit.ly/aC4KIt My 1st job was "Cream Injector" at Hostess. Guess how that turned out.
1 retweetKitty Kelley is totally kicked out of my book club.
2 retweets 1 favoriteToday on Oprah: Dangerous Child Sex Offenders. Then next week we will feature "Non-dangerous Child Sex Offenders". Don't miss that one.
1 retweet 2 favoritesToday on Oprah: Couples with horrible sex lives! http://bit.ly/9nG6qO I haven't had sex in over a decade. No amount of lube can help me now.
2 retweets 2 favoritesToday on Oprah: Rosie O'Donnell! Love having her on; I don't even need to wear makeup when sitting next to her. http://bit.ly/g81am
2 retweetsToday on Oprah: Raquel Welch's secrets to aging! Here's my secret: I hired ILM people to retouch my face in real-time. Advanced technology!
1 retweet 1 favoriteToday on Oprah: another repeat. Translation: I'll be drunk again, and full of pie!
1 retweet@paperchaser62 why shouldn't I promote homosexuality? I'm not saying YOU have to be gay. (although you are a fag for asking)
Today on Oprah: we are reshowing that episode about women who like porn. Since it's a repeat, I'll be at home. Watching porn.
1 retweet2day on O: Txting while driving. U have 2 watch this or u will regret it! It will open ur eyes. I have a driver so its NBD 4 me.
1 retweetToday on Oprah: Women who found out their husbands have mistresses! Guess they should have gone "downtown" more often, am I right guys?
1 retweetToday on Oprah: We interview a guy on death row! Wonder what his last meal will be? Mine would be: bacon wrapped fried Turducken w/xtra mayo
2 retweetsToday on Oprah: A woman who was mauled by a 200 pound chimp! http://bit.ly/cyQitU Ripped her face off! ...anyways, Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Today on Oprah: Make Over My Man! http://is.gd/aKWSc We make these husbands look good! Hope their wives are at least putting out for this.
1 retweetSeriously you guys .... oh nevermind.
2 favoritesAnyone catch me on the Oscars last night? Damn I looked great! Should have given me an Oscar for being Oprah.
2 retweets 1 favoriteToday on Oprah: Jessica Simpson! So foxy! Apparently she's a wild one in the sack. She said her only rule is "no animals... never again".
Today-Jerry Seinfeld, once star of a highly rated NBC show,now on a show about saving marriages! Maybe he needs a show about saving careers!
1 retweetToday on Oprah: Jay Leno speaks! Originally I had Conan booked but we ditched him for Jay. Will this guy ever go away?
2 retweetsThe next time you are going to have a pizza party, why not donate to Haiti instead? http://www.usaid.gov/helphaiti/
1 retweetToday on Oprah: The World's Happiest Women! Let's be honest though, the world's happiest WOMAN is ME. On account of my DOLLA$$$.
Happy New Year! My wish for 2010 is that I get more rich!
4 retweets 1 favoriteCan't even imagine how many of my followers have given Nigerian Princes money.
When you think about it, I'm more of a Santa than Santa Claus. I exist, and I give away presents all the time. Also I'm overweight.
3 retweets 1 favoriteI wouldn't suggest eating while you watch today's episode. http://bit.ly/uiaUV
Today on Oprah: Michael Buble! Did you know he's a Canadian? The tip off is how mind numbingly boring he is. But so polite!
1 favoriteToday on Oprah: Thanksgiving recipes! They are so easy, your personal chef won't know what to do with all the free time!
Fun fact: 43% of Oprah fans are poor spellers. This is why I had to register "opra.com"
Why am I leaving my daytime talk show? Because I'm starting my own network! You'll never guess what it's called! ....ok it's The O Network.
1 retweetIf you're wondering what to watch after I end my show in 2011, don't worry. There's always Tyra Banks! Ha ha, just kidding. She's awful.
1 retweetAfter yesterday's "Women Who Watch Porn" episode, I can finally admit I enjoy a good gloryhole film every now and then.
Nailin' Pailin.
Today's "Karaoke Challenge" proved that I can pretty much put anything on the air and never get canceled! #lovelife
Here's my Halloween Costume! http://bit.ly/2VkJfO
Ballin'
Today's show: Drew Carey from The Price Is Right! Every time I turn on T.P.I.R. and remember he's the host, I hear this: http://bit.ly/N1YSi
It's true, I'm going to be interviewing Sarah Palin! I'll be "nailin' Palin" with some tough questions! ...Don't Google that.
I don't know; I'm pretty much awesome. Just sayin'.
2 favoritesMad props to my man Obie for his Peace Prize win!
1 favoriteGot my "O" face on, and I don't mean "Oprah".
1 favoriteI always knew David Letterman was a bit of a ladies man. Especially that time he crashed at my house. Morning regrets!
1 favoriteRumors of my fight with Whitney Houston aren't true. Also, I could totally take her down, if necessary. Even if she was on a drug binge.
Thanks to today's Oprah, you can expect a Jay-Z / Barbra Streisand collab, in stores soon!
Wow, that Mackenzie Phillips secret turned out to be really gross. My bad. I promise we'll do a "My Favorite Things" episode next.
Childstar Mackenzie Phillips reveals bombshell family secret on Oprah http://is.gd/3zzeP The secret? ..Wait, who's Mackenzie Phillips again?
Hangin out, being successful. Think I'll hit the club for 80s night.
1 favoriteWhat day is it? The day we talk to ESPNs Erin Andrews about her nude video scandal! Never forget. http://bit.ly/Ye5nK
Back from my Maui vacation! Wasn't too pleased with the hotel. The toilet wasn't even gold plated! I haven't pooped on porcelain since 1985.
1 favoriteSomeone suing me for 1 trillion dollars for stealing poetry? Haiku: Go Ahead And Sue/I've Got More Lawyers Than You/And They All Are Jews
On today's episode of The Tyra Banks Show, the audience was segregated into Gays, Straights and Bisexuals. Somehow I feel I've failed.
Went to see that new movie "Orphan". To be honest, I thought the marquee said "Oprah" at first. I was told to "sit down" after about 10 mins
1 favoriteSo hot. Meat sweats.
1 favoriteTold my assistant "You go, girl!" ... She didn't get that I was firing her.
Toying with the idea of changing my theme song. I was thinking something with lyrics, like "Op-rah! It's the Op-rah Win-fry show! Oo-praah!"
In the theater at the midnight screening of the new Harry Potter! I am dressed up as Hagrid: I just washed my face and left the house.
Is anyone else getting sick of Dr. Oz on my show yet? Seriously. Always with the scrubs and the handsome "my mom thinks he's hot" looks.
How do I beat the summer heat? I fly my private jet to Antarctica and eat a penguin sandwich on rye.
1 retweetAt the Michael Jackson Memorial. Scored sweet box seats. Nacho cheese on tap up here. Love my life.
Next months cover of "O" Magazine! http://yfrog.com/466fcj
1 favoriteToday on Oprah: wait, no Oprah today. How about non-stop news coverage of Michael Jackson instead? Wake me up in a month.
Today on Oprah: Dr. Oz again. He's still wearing those scrubs. You may not of noticed this before, but he wears no underwear under those.
2 favoritesToday's Oprah: Amazing Dads! What are you giving your dad for Fathers Day? Get him what he really wants: a night away from his nagging wife.
The center of the "O" on each cover of my magazine is the exact circumference of the average male penis. Get some scissors and test it out!
Did you know the "O" in "O Magazine" actually stands for "Oakmoss"? Over time the focus shifted from lichens to more "chick friendly" stuff.
If I held a contest to give away a flowering green fruit, I could call it the "Win Free Okra" contest.
2 favoritesJust saw a preview screening of the new Transformers film. Robots out the ass friends! Out the ass!
Gayle, more like GAYle if you know what I mean.
1 favoriteToday on Oprah: It's a repeat! Guess what, I'm at home knee-deep in cream cheese right now! It's for a project.
2 favoritesOprah Fact: The Color Purple is called "The Colour Purple" in Canada. All dialogue had to be re-recorded for Canada, with the extra "u"s.
Thought: how does Ashton Kutcher (@aplusk) find the time to make crappy movies if he's always on Twitter?
Oprah fact: it takes 5 hours in the make-up chair to get me ready for TV. That's 2 hours longer than Commander Warf from Star Trek!
You probably know my company is called "Harpo", but did you know my music career name is "Rap Ho"?
1 favoriteTodays episode we have a woman who killed her husband! http://is.gd/zQr2 Sometimes I wish I could kill Stedman. Honestly I think I'm homo.
1 favoriteToday on Oprah, Dane Cook and George Lopez join me for a special Comedy show! http://bit.ly/9Cmvz That's right, no one funny was available.
Today on Oprah: The Best of Dr Oz! And I finally ask him: why the hell are you wearing scrubs?? We get it! YOU'RE A DOCTOR. PUT ON A SUIT.
Fun Fact: Sally Jesse Raphael is buried underneath my swimming pool.
Today on Oprah: Seal! The worlds most handsome yet ugly sleep inducing singer to marry a hot model! Plus, more KFC. I loves gravy!
Fact 1: I have someone read all my "Oprah's Book Club" books to me. Fact 2: I never learned to read. Affirmative action!
In exchange for my promotion with KFC, they agreed to make me the "container" in an enormous "Famous Bowl". I'm covered in gravy!
1 favoriteMy sweat smells like a bone rendering plant.
Another week of shows has begun. More money for me! More mindless forgettable television for you!
I love weekends. I just sit around the house...literally!
Friday on the Oprah Show! That's right, another one of those stupid panel shows where I try to emulate The View. Skip.
... God I'm fat.
1 favoriteI've been farting all morning but my staff is so afraid of me that nobody says anything. I love power!!
Remember that time I crippled the beef industry over the whole mad-cow thing? Guess what: pork, you're next.
Today on Oprah: It's a Pandemic! And I mean... PANDAS! Jack Hanna of the San Diego zoo is our guest. So many amazing bears!
I think I may of got swine flu from that bacon-fat bath I had last night. I can't help myself, bacon fat just feels so good all over me!
1 retweetGod DAMN I'm rich.
2 favoritesTGIF! And I mean the restaurant, I'm heading there for some Fried Mac n Cheese later! Four orders please!
1 favoriteYou'll never guess who's going to be on the cover on the next "O Magazine"! Oh right, it's me again.
Today's guests get something special underneath their seats! http://tinyurl.com/c98rte
Next up on Oprah's Book Club: http://tinyurl.com/dz6xr3
1 favoriteIT BURNS!
I contracted pubic lice from Stedman's mustache! SO ITCHY!
1 favorite