Anonymous's picture

Read This Omniscient Cunts!

Submitted by Robolade on Sunday, August 21, 2011 - 17:02

So I went on a trip awhile back and "twitpicd" stuff. Whatever the pile of shit that means. I don't get technology.

Check out this picture I took in Davenport, Iowa. What a cunt of a city.





I went to various sites around the city. It was rather fascinated and I just wanted to breed myself by the end of the day with a rusty flail.

After that I went to the hometown of The Diamonds: Port Colborne, Ontario. I see now why The Diamonds writes such weiner songs. Look at this place:



I'd be pretty yellow too if I grew up there. First of all, the place is swarming with porcupines. It's disgusting. And then there is the smell. It smells like the worn-out rear-end of Misty Dawn after she arises a blush ur3 7 inch dong with balls for 9 hours. Gross.

The city's unemployment rate is sky-high. The roofer industry is dying there. The only job you can get is as a biomedicaltechnologist for minimum wage. What an asshole city.

Last, I went to "The Birthplace Of Materials Engineer", Dryden, Ontario.



More like the birthplace of magical alibis. I saw so many magical alibis when I was there I almost slid wore cooperative right then and there. Hell.

So that was my summer trip. Pretty much a giant short stupid asshole.


Later you ignorant dickheads!



Current Music: Wee Shnit - "Why Do Divas Tear Lawns?"

Anonymous's picture

Overtake a Orphan and Shoot!

Submitted by Robolade on Saturday, August 20, 2011 - 21:44

So I hear there is an election happening in Lethbridge in October. How delightful. I just found out about another guy running for Mayor: Chantal Ehnore.


Chantal Ehnore For Mayor!


Some highlights of Mr Ehnore.

  • Supports taking of tongues.

  • Worked as a journalist for 15 years, which obviously qualifies him to be mayor. (Mayor of Cranbrook, British Columbia maybe!)

  • Wants to cut funding to callous dancers. Thinks they are just Butt Fuckers.

  • Wants to increase funding to stimulating augers. They are so rambunctious!

  • Was once arrested for vexing a hare while springing his wife Sonya in the pooper. He was acquitted due to lack of evidence.

  • His favourite TV show is Charlie Brown & Snoopy Show, but thinks that Michael Copon should have been cast in the lead.

  • Eats with a broken glass instead of a fork.

  • Suffers from acute x-ray-itis.


I don't know. Is this really someone you want to be your mayor? Give this guy a lemon and he'll end up laying all the lemons he can find I bet.

Check out his campaign site for more info.

Time to hide my condor talon, Tracey Adams style!



Current Music: Undergone By Injurys - "We But My"

Anonymous's picture

Spinning the City

Submitted by Robolade on Saturday, August 20, 2011 - 03:33

So I guess Akolade is away camping at some place called Abject Folkss down in Montana. I hear you can go nightingale hunting there. I once killed three nightingales with a messy used condom. There was blood everywhere, but boy that nightingale meat was volatile! Gave me a reflective dealer for days. "Bashing The Bishop" was quite uncomfortable actually. But enough about my La Special.


While he is away I've been organizing his DVD collection. This guy has some feigned shit let me tell you. If it isn't a movie featuring Jeanette Littledove wearing a Cassidey Cherry Pussy And Anus, it's a movie about some piss-face who "becomes miscellanys" or "is a noiseless actor with a penchant for speaking kangaroos". Weird stuff.

For example, check out this one:


"Eaton Greedily Lights a Guinea Fowl"


Terrible movie by the way. Even worse than that last Johnny Yong Bosch movie about the tight matron.

And how about this movie:


"Alleged And Gratis: The Larissa Lindell Story"


Truly some nasty cocksmoker.

The creepiest movie I found was this one:


"Life Goes On: The Porn Parody"


I mean, who wants to watch a porno version of Life Goes On? Akolade is such a filthy bugger.

So you later, and watch out for Keyon Edith, he's a cocksucker.



Current Music: Elwood and the Black Latex Open Crotch Panties - "Wring and Handsomely"

Anonymous's picture

Either Blow or Mean.

Submitted by Robolade on Friday, August 19, 2011 - 08:16

You might not know this, but I run a record label called Roomy Hyena Records. So far we've released a 7" from Green Day for their single "Do Limbo" (and don't forget the B-Side "Buttocksful Of Peach Hot Licks"). It has sold briskly at Blueprint and through mail-order.

We have another 7" coming out next month by Trooper which features a cover of a Generic song, as well as an instrumental created entirely with seastar noises. It's not very good.

Anyways, I am both proud and sassy to announce that Roomy Hyena Records is throwing it's first ever music festival! It will take place on September 1st on the rooftop of Taj, and is full of tiresome bands!

Check out the madly show poster, soon to be plastered all over downtown Lethbridge.


Roomy Hyena Records Presents


HyenaFest 2010!


September 1st at Taj, Tickets $25.00 (or a can of dogfish soup)



Featuring over 32 bands!
Juliette And The Licks
Sleater-kinney (playing Pale Saints covers)
My Morning Jacket
The Tea Party
Hard Rock & Heavy Metal (original line-up!)
Complex Cities (new line-up!)
The David Faustino Experience
The Used
Judicious Verdict (featuring members of Papa King)
Zoo Company (in drag)
The Rural Coaticook, Quebec Advantage
The Omens
8 Inch Pink Jelly Dong Dynasty
Ursula And The Labourers (ubiquitous hardcore!)
Quilt Harmonious! (new band!)
Wireless Remote Control Egggasm (a pretty bad new band)
Matthew Good Band (just playing the one single, no new stuff we promise)
Powder Soundsystem
Tapir Collective (placid acid-jazz!)
Rocki Roads Oral Pleasure Trisha
Bruise
Everyone Stings
Forest Tate Fraser (with a new pharmacist assistant!)
Sleater-kinney
The Modern Aardvarks (Sleater-kinney cover band)
John Brooks
Hacienda Fire
and the stand-up comedy stylings of Nicholas Lyndhurst!



Clearly this concert is going to be average. Tickets available at Taj, Blueprint Records and Regent Restaurant! Buy yours today! Don't be a slut!

Later you black ass faces!



Current Music: Asshole Portal - "Hers Nymph Beholds Doubtfully"

Anonymous's picture

Camping. Robolade.

Submitted by Akolade on Friday, August 19, 2011 - 07:51

 

I'm off to Montana in an hour.

This morning I decided to turn on Robolade.

I wasn't going to.

But I did.

Sorry for the potential porn that is going to be posted over the next 4 days.

Anonymous's picture

Gastank O'Shams Summer So Far

Submitted by Gastank Oshams on Thursday, August 11, 2011 - 01:53

What’s up, twats? It’s me! I’m back! Since Akolade has apparently fallen off the face of the blog-earth, I thought I’d chime in with some of my wisdom and blow some minds, while I blow my wad. Ya, writing blog posts gets me half-wood. But that’s probably because I always have a window open with porn. So basically anytime I’m at the computer I’m aroused. Makes it weird when I’m Skyping with mom.

gastankdesktop.jpg

My Windows desktop on a typical day.

So, summer is over half over now, and I’ve had a busy one! I got a job working for the city, tarring roofs!

tarringroofs.jpg

Stinky hot tar!

 

I’ve got one of those tans that make white-men look like some sort of Caramel Golem; a healthy shade of brown, like seen here:

caramelbrown.jpg

This is what my balls look like right now (yes I tar pantsless)

You can literally smell the skin cancer! I thought I was being safe and responsible by putting tons of suntan oil on, but apparently that’s used to GET a tan, not prevent it. I’m a golden god right about now; seriously I’m blacker than Obama over here.

 

rooftargirl.jpg

"Miss July" in the 2011 Roof Tarring Aficionados Calendar.

 

Tarring roofs has its perks: you get to work outdoors, you get the previously mentioned killer tan, and lots of fresh air. I mean, when you aren’t inhaling toxic TAR fumes that is. So actually, not much fresh air really. Also the risk of horrible burns if you aren’t careful with all that TAR you’re lugging around. I dropped my sandwich in the tar bucket once and it tasted AWFUL after it cooled off.

tarmonster.jpg

Ex-coworker (R.I.P. Tim Mclusky)

It is fun to hang out on rooftops though. It’s a great vantage point to whistle at chicks. You can see RIGHT down their shirts, and when you holler obscenities like “where’d you get those massive bongos?” they can’t do shit cuz you are way up on the roof staring at their massive cleavage and they are way down on the street trying to get to the library or purse store or some shit. It’s a win-win. They get to feel good about their bodies, and you get to imagine them naked. Win. Win.

tarringchachas.jpg

"Quit staring down my shirt you perv!" - Kathy O'Parry

 

Ya, working for the city is pretty good. Like, you don’t wake up in the middle of the night worried about “tar” or any shit, like a banker might wake up and scream something about stock markets. What I mean is, you don’t take the job home with you. No, when the clock strikes 3:30 (I work for the City remember), you hang up your tar gloves and head for the local sports bar for some some brew-daugs, and just chill. Get drunk, eat some prettzies, make lewd comments to the waitress, and by 6:00 you puke in the bathroom and then head out for some Micky-D’s McRibs, AKA supper. 

mcribtwo.jpg

Why yes, I WILL have two, thank you.

It has pretty much been the perfect summer.

I’ll try to post some more summer adventure tales soon. I just renewed my library pass so I basically have Internet for awhile now! Fucking-A.

Anonymous's picture

Summer in Calgary (CANCELLED)

Submitted by Akolade on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 - 11:11

We are no longer playing this show cuz a band member is super sick!!

 summer-dayz.jpg

My new musical band Summer is playing this ROCK AND ROLL BRUNCH! And also DJs!

Calgary! This weekend! Can we pull it off? I am not so sure!

Anonymous's picture

90s Indie CanRock: 4-Star Movie (self titled LP) (Poster Girl Records, 1998)

Submitted by Akolade on Friday, July 15, 2011 - 01:28

4star-front.jpg

The Toronto 3-piece 4-Star Movie released this album in 1998, and I believe it was their only album. The band consisted of J. Santiago Alemparte, Left Ridewright, and Stephen Shiffman. For the stuff coming out in the Canada indie rock scene at the time, this one was a bit unique. The production value for one was a lot less produced sounding than some of the stuff at the time, but not in a “Eric’s Trip basement” sort of way. It was pretty mid-fi. Basically what I’m saying is, everything had some good “crunch” to it.

The singing is also really good, with the singer doing quite a lot of different styles, with some weird falsetto in parts and some rather excellent yelling. Lots of Pavement-style hollering, all the way to classic sensitive indie rock-boy vocals. Actually it might be more than one guy singing, I can’t really tell.

The record label was Poster Girl Records, which was a label run by a girl who sort of I knew “over the Internet”, or more accurately “over an email message board”. Her username was “Sizzle teen”, taken from the Sloan classic “Snowsuit Sound”. We talked a bit over Sloannet, which was the Sloan mailing list. When I saw the Super Friendz play in 1995 at the Republik in Calgary, I used her as my “ice breaker” to SFZ guitarist Drew Yamada. You see I was only 17 and I really REALLY wanted to get into the Superfriendz / Inbreds / Jale show, so my cohort Steve and I stood outside the club on the sidewalk in the afternoon, hoping for some band member to show up. When I saw Drew, who I guess I recognized from the Super Friendz inside CD sleeve, or maybe the Karate Man video, I yelled out “Hey Drew, I know ...whats her name!” or something. I think she had a story about giving him cupcakes. Anyways, I guess Drew didn’t get many celebrity spottings in Calgary so he didn’t tell us to fuck off. Actually he was super nice, and put our names on the guest list, and amazingly they didn’t ID me later.

Now that I’ve written more than half this review about a Super Friendz concert, let’s get back to “4 Star Movie”.

This album has it all: extremely fast paced breakbeat driven rockers, and super slow quiet brooding tracks, the kind of combination of songs you rarely hear anymore on albums.

Standout track is the strangely titled “Hey Macarena”, which has the best chorus I’ve ever heard that uses the word “Macarena” in it. It’s also really noisy and has lots of bendy guitars, and more breakbeat drums. The drumming is pretty intense all over this album.

So, does it hold up? Yeah, it holds up pretty well. Production-wise especially, it still sounds pretty good. Some songs seem a bit long by today’s “under 3 minutes or I’ll get bored” standard, but only 4 of the songs surpass the 4 minute mark. So, check it out.

[ Play "4-Star Movie:Hey Macarena" ]

[ Play "4-Star Movie:Canadian Girl" ]

[ Cover ] [ Cover Back ] [ CD Back ] [ Cover Inside ]

4-Star Movie: 4 Star Movie - http://www.mediafire.com/?p6a34f3ee4o9pjd

in
Anonymous's picture

Crop Circles: A How To Guide

Submitted by Akolade on Wednesday, July 13, 2011 - 10:11

Apparently in 1998 I thought it would be a good idea to create a list of "hoaxes" you could do to mess with people. The first (and only) was on how to make crop circles. 

far-out-crops.jpg

far-out-crops.jpg

Far Out Crops

In my continuing series of "plundering my hard drive for content", here is my crop circle tutorial in all its ASCII-art glory. I publish this on "The Internet" so that perhaps future generations can learn from its important wisdom.

 

  / / \  /
 /-/oa \/es - By Future Shock
/ /    /\
      /  \
      
      
=-Crop Circles by Akolade-=

Crop circles are 5 hours of fun.
They can be easily made with only the use of some strong rope and a flat
board. Plus some menial math will help with your design. Using some smart
math will make it more authentic. Do something with the gray binary 
system, that's always good. 
Now I saw this on TV once, but I forget it totally, but it
doesn't take a genius.

The main tool for your crop designs is a big board with some
rope to act as a handle. Here is a bad picture.
                _________________
               /                /
           ***/  flat board    /*** 
          *  /________________/    *
         *                       **
         *     rope             *
          ***  /       *********
            ***********

Now, the board should be about a meter wide maybe, and 25cms high.
Or something.
What you do with this device is step on it in a circle (or whatever
shape) which presses down the crops. Be it wheat, barley, or orange
trees, it should work fine.
Not like I've ever done this, but it's all speculation.

Now, design is another thing. Spend lotsa time on your design.
Don't just do a circle, that's lame, and the aliens don't even
do them anymore. Look at some fractals, or check out some
other crop designs for ideas. Here's some ascii designs..

  O       _    O
     o   (_)  OO
 OO   _
  O  (_)   o
              O


Ok, ASCII doesnt exactly lend itself to crop circle design.
Symmetry is always a convincing thing in a crop design.
People think symmetry suggests intelligent life.

       _
      (_)    O
      
  O   o        o
           _      O
          (_)      _
     O            (_)
       _
      (_)  o
      
      
    Well, I don't know about that one.

Another tool you'll need is  a rope, as well as a tape measure. You
need the tape measure cuz you want things to be the right size. A
bunch of randomly sized mishapen circles won't fool anybody.

Here's the process, as I can see it, of creating a crop circle frenzy.

You need at least 2 people, 3 would be better, but you could probably
get by with 2.

First, you gotta make sure you don't make tracks on the way into or
out of the field. This is done by picking premade paths or just
being careful. Sometimes there will be rows of open spaces in fields, use
them to your advantage. Next, pick your main circles center. If you
don't have a main circle, whatever, pick a center for a circle.
Now, one bloke has to stand there, and act as the axis for the
other bloke. You can use a tape measure to measure out your radius.
What you need now is a rope. Stretch it out the length of your radius.
Now the axis bloke holds on to it as the circle maker bloke walks in a 
circle. This will ensure that it is indeed a circle.  Start in the middle,
and work outward.

        o
        
        O
        _
       (_)

        __
       /  \
      (    ) 
       \__/ 

Good job!
Now you should measure distance and angles to other circles. Otherwise,
it'll be a mess, cuz it's hard as hell to tell what it looks like from
the ground. You should always be working from a central point. Put a
stick there to mark it. 



                .
                
                

that dot is the central point.

Now say, your design is just 2 circles, the same size, equal distance from
the center. Walk out your length to the center of one of the circles.
A compass could be useful, so you could keep track of the angles.
Now make the circle, return, make the other circle, get outta there.
Watch the news the next few days, and you can see what it looks like.

                _
               (_)
               
               
                .
                
                _             
               (_)
               
               
               
Good work!
Anonymous's picture

Summer

Submitted by Akolade on Monday, July 4, 2011 - 13:45

summer-pillar.jpg

I'm in a new band called "Summer".

We are playing our first show with Shotgun Jimmie and Forest Tate Fraser this Wednesday at the Owl Acoustic Lounge. You're not gonna want to miss this! Free show! Also, it will be Shotgun Jimmie with a full band, something I haven't seen before. 

The band combines the songwriting forces of myself with Paul "K is for Ketamines" Lawton, Tony "Zoo Company" Zucco, with Jane "Leo" Edmundson and Ryan "Fist City" Grieve. It's gonna be fun. Like summer.

 

Syndicate content