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Open Channels Show Tomorrow



Come see my cool band Open Channels play at the Slice tomorrow (September 15) with cool bands.

Probably gonna be pretty cool.


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Kristen Stewart Is A Dirty Filthy Slut Whore

By now you've all heard about Kristen Stewart and her awful behaviour, cheating on Robert Pattinson, AKA "Edward" from that vampire movie. Kristen played "Belle" or "Bell" or "Bella"? She was in the movies I know. They got married in the movie and she had a demon baby.

But not in real life. No, IRL Kristen decided to be a complete whore-slut and make out/fornicate/give BJs to the director of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs", Walt Disney. I assume. I didn't click on the article.

What This Means For You

Well, things are different now. We live in a Post Stewart/Pattison world (PSP). And like the handheld Playstation of the same name, it's going to be rough going, overpriced, and feature that weird UMD disc format that they tried selling movies for but it quickly died and people were like "Seriously Sony? You thought people were going to buy "Be Cool" so they could watch it on the bus?"

First: love is dead. There is no hope for love. In a relationship? End it. Fuck a movie director. You might as well, before your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/fiance/slave fucks a director. It's a race to Fuck The Director.

Second: burn your copies of Twilight. Round up all your Twilight books/DVDs/Blurays/UMDs and put them into a bankers box. Go downtown and find one of those large metal drums in an alley. Throw your Twilight merch in there, and pour in an entire gas-can full of gasoline into there. Throw in a match and run away. Stop at the Red Dog Diner and have a steamed dog.

Third: Robert Pattinson is hurting right now. And also...he's available? Sure, they may be trying to "make it work", but we all know that relationship is doomed. Once your girlfriend puts another mans schlong in her hooha, there's no recovering. So ladies. Now is your chance to get in on some Pattinson Peen. Go get a Mani-Peti, book a flight to LA / London or wherever he lives, and show up at his front door / his gym / his doctors office. Anything you can do to get his attention. Don't be afriad to show a little ankle, ladies. Even some knee!

Fourth: "Be Cool" for UMD is available for less than 9 pounds. Don't pass up this opportunity! Featuring John Travolta and Uma Thurman, this delightful comedy romp will have you laughing out loud thinking "when did this movie even come out??"

Lastly, Twitter was down so I wrote this blogpost.


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Anonymous's picture

My iPhone won't download pictures

 I was going to post all my Sled Island photos but Image Capture won't recognize my iPhone so I can't download them.

So now I don't know what to write about.

I guess it's been months since I posted anything.

Let's see. I started a band called Open Channels and we made a tape and we played Sled Island.

I ate at Red Dog probably 15 times.

I got a bike.

I got a coffee cannister to store my beans in.

That's about it guys.

Here's a picture of a loaf of bread.


Here's another picture of a loaf of bread, only this one has a watermark:

Haha, stupid "deposit photos"! Why would I use your stoopid watermarked bread pic when there are BREADLOADS of bread pix without watermarks out there? GET WITH THE TIMES ITS 1997!



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The State Of Lethbridge for April 2012

Let’s update my “What’s going on in Lethbridge” Blog with “What’s Going On In Lethbridge”. 

Red Dog Diner

It’s open! Who would have thought this would happen? I had lost all hope months ago. It was closed for 11 months, in fact, which seems to be a long time to remain closed. I’m sure the tale of the various legal issues surrounding its closing and reopening could fill a Kindle! Just think of the drama. Crime! Fire! Prison! Fraud? Who knows?!

All that truly matters is: we have our steamed dogs, poutine and cherry cola again. Plus they serve breakfast now. So there’s that!



It’s open! I haven’t been there. Have you? Like, isn’t it just pancakes with whipped cream all over it? Whatever.


State & Main

What is this thing? Get excited people. It’s a new restaurant from Original Joe’s in the old East Side Mario’s building. Yes! If you don’t know, the Lethbridge Origy’ Joes is located waaay on the Northside and has some amazing food and beerz. But its sorta small and its always full. So this will be like a giant version of that, with more stuff on the menu. It opens Monday.

I know all this because I was at Original Joes last night.


Firey Greek

Remember McCunties (or maybe McGuinty’s) in that space behind “Pulse Rapeclub” and then it was something else for a month? Well now it’s a Greek restaurant. Which is good I guess since our other Greek restaurant Dionysios closed and is now some other restaurant but I don’t know what kind because the sign for it says nothing at all about the style of food so I will just continue to drive past it on my way to bury bodies just past Hardieville.



Lethbridge no longer has a Gap. We live in a city that can’t support a Gap! What’s wrong with this town? And yet we have 700 Dollar Stores and 37 places that sell canes for old people.


Tongue N Groove / Whispers

Still empty.



(former location of Average Joes, I think, or some other sports s-hole)

It’s closed. Currently being used as a campaign headquarters for one of the provincial election candidates. The old Wok Box is also a candidate headquarters. Good thing we have so many empty restaurants in town for all those candidates!


Shoppers Drug Mart West (2)

There is another Shoppers on the West Side. Why? I have no idea. Do we need 2? Really? Apparently we do. So now there are 2. I’ve never been in the new one. I imagine they have drugs, make-up and toilet paper.


New Mac’s

They are building a giant new Mac’s right next to the old original one on the West Side, now with a gas station! Gas sure is expensive. Couche-Tard.


More Banks

Pretty sure there are more banks on the West Side now. Always more banks.



Still no new video arcades being built, but I’ll let you know as soon as I get word!



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Open Channels


I got a new band.

It's called "Open Channels"

Check it out here!

It features Tony Zuc "Zoo Company" Co and I writing/singing songs and Jane "Janer" Jane playing keys / samplers live.


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An ad, for jeans.


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2011 In Memoriam

Now that it's 2012, it seems appropriate to reflect on the ones we lost in 2011.

Here is my poorly researched tribute to the restaurants and pubs we lost this past year.





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Silver Bellzz


Well, it's Xmas Eve.

Santa is gearing up to deliver presents to all the good girls and boys, and pee in the stockings of the bad ones.

Here is a song I recorded in only 1000 takes. I couldn't ever nail it down perfectly, but whatever. Merry XMAS.

[ Play "Silver Bellz" ]

Anonymous's picture

Merry Crapmas From Ol' Gastank O'Shams

Merry Christmas, I’m back all you slimey turds!

You are probably (not) wondering where I’ve been lately, since I apparently only post like twice a year. 

The last time I wrote I talked about my job tarring roofs for the city. 

That job was ok for awhile but eventually I was hospitalized from inhaling all that tar smoke. Apparently you are supposed to wear masks but no one told me that! Lee, the other guy I worked with, is Asian so I just assumed he was “being all paranoid” when he was wearing his mask. But apparently not. Not only did Lee not get SARS but he also doesn’t have “dangerous levels of poison” in his lungs. Smart guy! I mean of course (he’s Asian).

So I had to leave that job, but it was pretty sweet because I went on disability. The stupid government had to pay me because I got sick from the job! I wish I’d known that when I worked at Fairfield Appliances and got my wang stuck in a vacuum hose and had to recover in hospital for 3 weeks or else risk my junk falling off. I never got paid anything for that!

Anyways, I’m doing fine now, and I even got a new job at Pulse Nightclub as a bouncer.


Don't mess with me unless you are a hottie!

I get to break up fights between drunks and stare at young drunk chicks all night. It’s pretty much the best job ever! Whenever the bar is full and there is a line-up, I always try the “what will you do for me?” line on girls who want to get inside. So far it’s netted me $3.75 in Canadian Tire money, two sets of breasts flashed my way, and a pretty terrible HJ from this one really drunk chick. But you know what they say “A terrible HJ is better than no HJ at all”. I think that one was Winston Churchill.

There is also a super cute waitress at Pulse that I’ve been trying to nail ever since I’ve started working here. Luckily I got her in the Secret Santa, so I picked out the perfect present that will let her know my intentions.



She will be mine! 


If this doesn’t seal the deal then I don’t know what will. Maybe I’ll slip in my Canadian Tire money to further entice her. If that fails, I’ll just go down the street to the Top Hat like I do every night. Ho! Ho! Ho! Three dancers a night.

One of the other perks of working at Pulse is I get to drink whatever is left over at the end of the night. Meaning whats left in the glasses and bottles on the tables. Otherwise they just throw it out! Can you believe it? I can also typically get 2 or 3 “Barmats” a night. There is nothing like the mix of our 40 types of shooters combined with the slight hint of “rubber mat” flavour to give you a buzz! I just pick up the mat, curl it into a funnel and pour it right in my mouth. Actually it’s pretty awful, but as Winston Churchill said “A free drink of something awful is better than no drink at all”. RIP Churchy.

Anyways I have to go: Bad Santa is on and I always like to pay close attention to the part where the Gilmore Girl gets railed by Sling Blade. The forecast is for heavy flurries, in my pants!



Oh Lorelai you dirty dirty Gilmore Girl

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