December 2011

Anonymous's picture

December 2011 Begins

It’s December.

In the past, I have attempted to post every single god damn day of the month until Xmas day.

I can’t do this anymore. Last year it almost killed me.

I was rushed to hospital no less than 13 times last December. Sure, half those times it was due to “an erection lasting longer than 5 hours”, but why did I need those pills in the first place? Because of the stress of coming up with 25 blog posts. The risk of losing my job at The Blog Corporation (BLOG on the NYSE) was too much to bear. Bare. Bayer? See, I don’t even know words any more! Bair.

However, I still plan on writing stuff. Just possibly not every day. I mean let’s be honest: half of the posts ended up being old scanned comics I drew when I was 14 or some song I scraped out of the Recycle Bin off my computer. Quality over quantity! That has never been my motto.

Also, I am going to be gone for 8 days this month. I’m going to Disney World with family on the 8th. But don’t worry, I have something BIG PLANNED for when I’m gone. It’s gonna blow MINDS. Or at least MILDLY AMUSE SOME.

So, we’ll see how it goes this month. I already blew half a day writing tomorrow’s post so check back for that, won’t you?

HAPPY XMAS SEASON!@!@!

advent-calendar.jpg

Mmm, chocolate dicks!

Anonymous's picture

Album Review: Nickelback "Here And Now"

So, Nickelback have a new album. See?

nickelcrapalbumcover.jpg

You might recognize that clock on the cover. It’s the steam clock from Gastown in Vancouver. I took a shitty picture back in 2007 when Ed and I went to a web conference. We were trolling the streets looking for hookers board game stores.

nickelclock.jpg

Nickelback. They have to be the most hated yet successful band on earth. Do you know anyone who likes them? No, probably not. I know YOU don’t, because if you DID then you’d be illiterate and wouldn’t be reading this.

The type of people who like Nickelback are the kind of people who don’t REALLY like Nickelback. They don’t really like any music. They merely recognize the familiar elements of a “song”, as per top 40 radio. Does the singer sound like he’s shitting out his own mouth? Check. Is the music overproduced? Check. Does the music work overtop of a WWE montage? Check!

Anyhooways, last time they released a compact disc of 11 songs, I reviewed it. That was way back in 2008. It takes 3 years for a Nickelback album to stop getting regular radio play, so here they are again with another 11 tracks to keep the money train rolling.

Let’s have a listen...

 


 

 1. This Means War

We start off with some heavily processed guitar with sorta wah pedal sounds. This ones pretty heavy, could totally get in a fight with this playing over the club speakers. Strip clubs take note: this one will be in a lot of dancers soundtracks starting soon. So pretty standard heavy rock. Not sure what he’s yelling. “This means warrrr!”. Ok let’s move on.
 
2. Bottoms Up
Hmm, looking at the title, could this be a sex song? You know “bottoms up”! Like doggy style or something right?!
The guitars sound exactly like the last song. He’s singing about drinking alcohol. Write what you know.
 
“Grab a cup, bottoms up!”. 
 
Well no clever sex references yet. I guess this is just another one for the bars to play to get people “made stoked about getting trashed”.
 
Next.
 
 
3. When We Stand Together
 
Whoa, this one sounds like Oasis’ Wonderwall, only really bad. 
 
“Hey yay ya heeey yah” is the coda in the chorus. Well, at least it has some different stuff going on, musically. There are even some strings in there! And acoustic guitar!
 
I think he’s singing about “Saving the world” or something. It’s really deep. Thinking man’s music.
 
Skipping ahead. Hope I’m not missing any cool bridges or “guest rap parts” by skipping all these songs.
 
 
4. Midnight Queen 
This one sounds like another big rocker. Guitars+bass playing identical notes and such. More drinking references. Is this finally going to be a song about how women are sluts? Come on Chad, I’m sitting around in my muscle shirt and I wanna get aggro towards bitches!
 
“She’s my midnight queen”... “doesn’t want a lollipop but she sure loves a sucker”. I think that’s a blowjob joke? I don’t know. That’ll do though, thanks Chaddy.
 
 
 
 
5. Gotta Get Me Some
 
“Hey guys, I wrote another one! It’s called ‘Gotta Get Me Some’!”.
  “Oh...ok great Chad. Really....really excited about this one. Can’t wait.”
(Band conversation)
 
This is not as heavy as the previous. I ...what is he singing about? It’s one of the MANY MANY Nickelback songs that has a lot of lines that start with “She...”. He’s always describing women. It’s their go-to song idea. 
 
This song is pretty much just a continuation of the last song. If I were to picture what this girl looks like, based on the description, I’d imagine she looks like this:
 
nickelcrapgirl1.jpg
 
OK ENOUGH OF THIS.
 
 
 
6. Lullaby
Piano! Whoah! We are entering Coldplay territory here. This is a “serious” one. I mean, it’s called Lullaby you guys. He’s saying “you’re not alone”. Woah, heavy stuff.
 
Guh. This song sux, but if you replaced Chad with say, Chris Martin, it would be...tolerable? Maybe? Actually, just remove the vocals all together, and I could handle this song.
 
Way to go everyone in the band but Chad! You did all right! I mean, relatively.
 
7. Kiss It Goodbye 
Well since that last one was a slow heavy one, this one has got to KICK SOME BALLLZ. And so, it does.
 
“Hollywood is plastic / but easy on the eyes / Big Apple is fantastic / but cuts you down to size”.
 
Plaaastic rhymes with Fantaaastic! That’s the take away on this song.
 
This song is about like, how big cities are like..they have drugs and...like it’s rough to make it in the city. What? Next.
 
8. Trying Not To Love You 
So intrigued by this title. Check it out, some acoustic guitar, and some melodious lead electric guitar. It’s a slower one. Maybe this will get played at some weddings in Taber next summer. This song is a real “ballad”. 
 
“It’s tearing me apart”.

“Cuz trying not to love you...only makes me love you more”
 
This song sounds like Creed.
 
 
9. Holding On To Heaven
A song about their love of our Lord and Saviour? Not sure.
 
No it’s just another song about some girl he loves. She’s gone and he’s super bummed. 
 
“I’m lost without you / and there’s nothing I can do”.
 
Just another song for the radio. Booring. That’s why it’s track 9. Track 9 is always filler.
 
 
10. Everything I Wanna Do
Wanna? Come on, didn’t they teach you English at Hanna Alberta High School, Chad? 
 
Guess what, everyone? Half the lyrics start with “She” again. Yet another Nickelback song that describes a woman. “She’s into everything that I wanna do!”. This particular woman probably looks like this:
 
nickelcrapgirl2.jpg
 
Ok almost there! One more song!!!
 
 
 
11. Don’t Ever Let It End 
This starts with a lotta layered vocals, some acoustic guitar. It’s sort of another “fun afternoon jam” just like the last album ended with. Describing literal events. This song could easily be sung by a country singer and be a hit.

“Saturday I’m gonna take her out / cuz her favourite band is gonna play downtown”.

I bet her favourite band isn’t Nickelback.

This song is bad too but not as offensive as a lot of the heavy ones. I say Nickelback sells this one to like... Garth Brooks? Brooks and Dunn? Hank Williams? Who’s a country music singer nowadays? Kenny Chesney? What? Sell the song to some modern country singer and cash in. This isn’t your style Nickelback. 


Overall, this album is a huge disappointment. Not NEAR enough songs I could wrestle my friends in the parking lot too. Barely half this album would be appropriate for a lap dance. Nickelback is losing its edge. I’m supposed to punch holes in my trailer-home walls to THIS? 

nickelcraplastfm-1.jpg 

Anonymous's picture

Comprehensive Smiley Movie/TV Reviews 2011

2011 Movie Reviews

Drive

8-D

 

Thor

:-)

 

Captain America

:-)

 

Bridesmaids

:-D

 

Super 8

:-)

 

Rango

:-|

 

Contagion

:-/

 

Moneyball

:-D

 

The Adjustment Bureau

:-(

 

Source Code

:-)

 

50/50

:-D

 

Our Idiot Brother

:-)

 

The Muppets

:-)

 

 

2011 Cable TV Reviews

 

Breaking Bad (AMC)

8-D

 

Walking Dead (AMC)

:-)

 

Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

8-D

 

Hell On Wheels (AMC)

:-|

 

Dexter (Showtime)

:-|

 

True Blood (HBO)

:-/

 

Girls Gone Wild Presents Unrated Season 2 (HDNET)

8-P

 

 

2011 Cable Reality TV Reviews

 

Lady Hoggers (A&E)

:-(

 

Hoarders (A&E)

>:-(

 

Pawn Stars (History)

:-(

 

American Pickers (History)

:-(

 

Storage Wars (A&E)

:-(

 

Sister Wives (TLC)

:-(

 

Any fucking show where they make stupid fucking cakes or cupcakes that looks like other stuff (TLC)

>:-(

 

“Fat Girl” Versions of shows to help separate “fat girls” from “normal ones” (ie “Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss”) (TLC)

>:-(

 

“Midget Shows” (TLC)

>:-(

 

Extreme Couponing (TLC)

>:-(

 

Kate Plus 8 / 19 Kids And Counting (TLC)

>:-(

 

Long Island Medium (TLC)

>8-((((

 

Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC)

>8-((((

Anonymous's picture

Happy Xmas Card 1

xmas-88.jpg xmas-88.jpg

Anonymous's picture

White Cans

This Xmas season, Coca-Cola decided to do another one of their holiday themed cans. Oh the cans of Christmas past! I remember them well.

cokesanta1

Hey guess what, Santa’s on the Coke cans now!

 

And who can forget this snazzy “Ornament” bottle from 2 years ago, mentioned in my “Best Coke Bottles of 2000-2009” list.

 

cokesanta1

Rotund

 

Well, this years can features a tribute to their loveable Polar Bear mascots, resulting in this can:

coke-whitecans

White Cans!

 

This can lead to TOTAL CHAOS worldwide. Especially in the USA, where people are easily driven to mass hysteria.

The can looks very similar in colour to the silver Diet Coke can, leading to 96 DEATHS related to people with diabetes accidently drinking a case of these cans of murder juice. It’s a shame, cuz THOSE ARE SOME NICE WHITE CANS.

 hendricks-cans.jpg

How many times has Christina Hendricks been on this blog now? I don't even WATCH Mad Men!

 

However, his isn’t the first time a company has made a poor packaging decision. Who can forget the special edition container for d-CON Rat Poison

ratcan

Unfortunate

 So many lawsuits! And then there was that “portable size” can of Roundup Weed Killer

 can-roundup

Available in packs of six.

 

And remember this can from back in the early 80s?

can-aids

Not sure why this was even being packaged in the first place

 

So don’t feel bad, Coke. We all make mistakes. And I for one, loved those SEXY WHITE CANS!

kat-cans

White Cans

 

Highbrow comedy at its finest.

Anonymous's picture

Erotic Gingerbread Cookies

In previous years I have posted various holiday themed recipes which I created while typing blog posts for holiday themed recipes. I’ve already done a Ginger Bread recipe before, but that one was for Jesus Cookies. This one is different and thus requires a different recipe and more frosting.



Akolade's Xmas Recipes He Has Never Tried Or Tested

Erotic Gingerbread Cookies (Holiday Style)

Ingredients:

  • 3 tablespoons of minced Ginger
  • 4 cups sugar
  • 4 cups flour
  • 4 eggs varying shades of brown, Martha Stewart style
  • ...some cream?
  • Teaspoon of Baking Soda?
  • 1 teaspoon Nutmeg
  • White, Pink, Red frosting (typical erotic frosting colours)

Directions:
Mix all ingredients but frosting into a bowl shaped like a giant breast. Mix ingredients until thick like tar.
On a baking pan, form cookie dough into erotic shapes.
Here is a short list of ideas, but feel free to add your own!
  • Boobs
  • Wangs
  • Butts
  • Naked Ladies with big white cans
  • Naked bros with long gingerbread schlongs
  • Spurting Wangs (use the white frosting for delicious jizm)
  • Holiday Jizm Covered Ladies Faces (see above for how to create the jizm)
  • The word “Jizm” covered in white frosting
  • The word “Vagina”. Covered in white jizm frosting
  • A candy cane with balls
Bake at 375 Degrees Fahrenheit for 15 minutes. Let cool.
Serve at your child’s Kindergarten snack day. Makes 1-25 cookies, depending on how big your GingerWangs are.

 

eroticgingerpan.jpg

 

Anonymous's picture

Robolade 3000: Your New Twitter Friend

I am leaving to Florida tomorrow morning. I’m headed to Miami for the “Dexter Murder Scenes Tour”! Can’t wait to see the street the “Four Horsemen” rode down, or the dock with Dexter’s boat, or all the places the Ice Truck Killer displayed his dismembered corpses!

But seriously, we’re going to Orlando. Disney. Universal. Puma outlet store. TGIFridays. Water that tastes like a swamp. I won’t bore you with the details.

Since I am away and likely without Internet / WiFi / Carrier Pigeon, that means no updates for this blog.

However, it’s Xmas! I couldn’t just leave without something going on. So I thought I’d mix it up a bit this year.

Ladies and Germs I present to you: Robolade 3000! The amazing tweeting robot! ™

 

robolade3000.jpg

Robolade 3000

 

Rather than have him write blog posts, I thought “why not have him annoy people on Twitter”. So, using parts from the RadioShack clearance bin and old tape decks, I have created a “TweetModule” and installed it in Robolade, giving him the ability to post Tweets to The Twitter Dot Com.

While developing the module, I only had one account banned from Twitter, for unspecified reasons, though it might have stemmed from Robolade occasionally posting photos of “naked women doing it”. I turned off his “Sexxx Chip ™” so that likely won’t be a problem anymore (unfortunately).

Please immediately follow @Robolade3000 and enjoy his tweets throughout the day. You may find Robolade’s tweets appearing around the world thanks to the new Teleportation Module I created using a stack of discarded dishwashers. Check those location markers! Robolade can even participate in ridiculous Trending Topics, and post photos! And other surprises!?

I have also put his Twitter feed at the top of this blog for you to see. 

Warning: I am not responsible for any offensive comments/images/insinuations about your mom made by Robolade 3000. He is blessed with self awareness as per the result of the Starfleet VS. Commander Data Trial “The Measure of a Man” (Stardate 42524.1). This means he is responsible for his own actions.

Later suckaz!

Anonymous's picture

I'm Back

I went to Orlando, Florida. See?

IMG_0931 IMG_0930 IMG_0923 IMG_0884 IMG_0850

There. No need for a detailed day-by-day description of my trip to the various parks which are now giving me nightmares.

By the last half hour of the drive home at 1am last night, I felt like the Black Freighter guy:

blackfrieghter.jpg

I hope you enjoyed then eventually grew tired of Robolade 3000’s tweets. Not sure what I’ll do with him. Maybe turn him off, or set him to “low tweet” mode, or something. There are only so many times he can talk about the same thing with different adjectives before it gets old.

 

Oh, I’m throwing a big party tomorrow. Shit.

 

Anonymous's picture

Holiday Xmas Parties

This past weekend was a slizzblizz of Xmas parties! I took a few pics, though not as many as I typically do. These will have to do!

Fun-Dew 2011

My annual Fondue party marked the return of the Meat Tree, a big hit last year.

fundew2011.jpg

 Fundew Spread!! MEAT TREE Babes Warm Xmas Memories

Crappy Gift Exchange 2011 (CGX2011)

My most anticipated party of the YEAR, involving the exchanging of the "crappiest" you can find. Winner get's the Erasmus Award. Congrats to Evan who took it this year with his Bob Marley / Jimi Hendrix shirt!

Don't look too closely at this messed up panorama.

Doody agape  Crappy Gifters Party Rats! 

IDEAL for Night Blogging!! Winner of CGX2011 Jam On! You all look great you guys!

Holidog 2011

The 3rd annual (?) celebration of Hot Dogs with various toppings this year even included Alpha-Getti which I did not try. The night ended up at The Owl for the final Moby Dicks show. RIP Flappy.

Doody knocking it out of the park once again Our host, drinking "Holiday Whores Milk" aka "Bwine" Batman Hey it's Kent! DIXXX


So much partying! And there is still a haircut party to come! Gonna get my doo on!

 

Anonymous's picture

Tell Everyobdy It's Xmas

A gift, from you to me.

 

Anonymous's picture

Favourite Facebook Wall Posts of 2011

 

Anonymous's picture

Top Tweets of 2011

 

Here are some of my favourite tweets from 2011. If you don't have many or any on here, don't feel bad. Just stop blowing it.

Anonymous's picture

Merry Crapmas From Ol' Gastank O'Shams

Merry Christmas, I’m back all you slimey turds!

You are probably (not) wondering where I’ve been lately, since I apparently only post like twice a year. 

The last time I wrote I talked about my job tarring roofs for the city. 

That job was ok for awhile but eventually I was hospitalized from inhaling all that tar smoke. Apparently you are supposed to wear masks but no one told me that! Lee, the other guy I worked with, is Asian so I just assumed he was “being all paranoid” when he was wearing his mask. But apparently not. Not only did Lee not get SARS but he also doesn’t have “dangerous levels of poison” in his lungs. Smart guy! I mean of course (he’s Asian).

So I had to leave that job, but it was pretty sweet because I went on disability. The stupid government had to pay me because I got sick from the job! I wish I’d known that when I worked at Fairfield Appliances and got my wang stuck in a vacuum hose and had to recover in hospital for 3 weeks or else risk my junk falling off. I never got paid anything for that!

Anyways, I’m doing fine now, and I even got a new job at Pulse Nightclub as a bouncer.

gastankpulse.jpg

Don't mess with me unless you are a hottie!

I get to break up fights between drunks and stare at young drunk chicks all night. It’s pretty much the best job ever! Whenever the bar is full and there is a line-up, I always try the “what will you do for me?” line on girls who want to get inside. So far it’s netted me $3.75 in Canadian Tire money, two sets of breasts flashed my way, and a pretty terrible HJ from this one really drunk chick. But you know what they say “A terrible HJ is better than no HJ at all”. I think that one was Winston Churchill.

There is also a super cute waitress at Pulse that I’ve been trying to nail ever since I’ve started working here. Luckily I got her in the Secret Santa, so I picked out the perfect present that will let her know my intentions.

 

luuuub.jpg

She will be mine! 

 

If this doesn’t seal the deal then I don’t know what will. Maybe I’ll slip in my Canadian Tire money to further entice her. If that fails, I’ll just go down the street to the Top Hat like I do every night. Ho! Ho! Ho! Three dancers a night.

One of the other perks of working at Pulse is I get to drink whatever is left over at the end of the night. Meaning whats left in the glasses and bottles on the tables. Otherwise they just throw it out! Can you believe it? I can also typically get 2 or 3 “Barmats” a night. There is nothing like the mix of our 40 types of shooters combined with the slight hint of “rubber mat” flavour to give you a buzz! I just pick up the mat, curl it into a funnel and pour it right in my mouth. Actually it’s pretty awful, but as Winston Churchill said “A free drink of something awful is better than no drink at all”. RIP Churchy.

Anyways I have to go: Bad Santa is on and I always like to pay close attention to the part where the Gilmore Girl gets railed by Sling Blade. The forecast is for heavy flurries, in my pants!

 

badsntta.jpg

Oh Lorelai you dirty dirty Gilmore Girl

Anonymous's picture

Silver Bellzz

treeee.jpg

Well, it's Xmas Eve.

Santa is gearing up to deliver presents to all the good girls and boys, and pee in the stockings of the bad ones.

Here is a song I recorded in only 1000 takes. I couldn't ever nail it down perfectly, but whatever. Merry XMAS.

[ Play "Silver Bellz" ]