May 2011

Anonymous's picture

We Got Him

 

Anonymous's picture

Prayer Group Leader

Since the Rapture is going to happen in a few days, I figured now would be a good time to post this message about my recent work as a potential Prayer Group Leader.

About a month ago, I received a most curious email titled “Prayer Leader Interviews”. It was addressed to me and about 50 other people I have never heard of. It started off with the following text

Hey guys,

We’re glad that you all are interested in potentially being a Prayer Leader on dorm Main 25-1 for the fall.  We’re are looking forward to getting to know you all better throughout the interview process. Attached is our hall packet for you to read before your interview and a survey that we’re asking you to fill out and send back to us so we can get a better idea of who you are. We ask that you attach a current photo of yourself so we will be able to match faces to names. Below is a list of our interview times. we’re going on a first come first serve basis, please fill out the survey and return it to us along with your top three interview times. We’ll work hard to get you a time that works best.

Attached was an MS Word document which was meant to be filled out and submitted back to them. I didn’t think much of it until I started receiving reply after reply from people, along with their filled out attached surveys. These provided details about how much they love Jesus, how bad a sinner they were, etc.

I did a little research and found out the email came from Liberty University, a school based in Virginia, and founded by Supreme Douchebag Jerry Falwell (RIP). This school, by the way, received over $400 million in funding from the US last year. 

To remind you who Jerry Falwell is(was), here are some quotes:

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AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.

 

 

 

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I believe that all of us are born heterosexual, physically created with a plumbing that's heterosexual, and created with the instincts and desires that are basically, fundamentally, heterosexual.

 

 

 

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I believe that global warming is a myth. And so, therefore, I have no conscience problems at all and I'm going to buy a Suburban next time.

 

 

 

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If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.

 

 

 

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Textbooks are Soviet propaganda. 

 

 

 

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The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.

 

 

 

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The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior.

 

 

 

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Anyways, based on his wise words, I jumped at the opportunity to lead a prayer group at his prestigious Liberty University.

I sent along a survey and was pleased when they sent back a reply saying they were interested. Either they were swayed by the amazing devotion I have to the Lord, or they didn’t read my responses.

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No doubt I am getting “saved” and all you other suckers can suffer for 5 months until God destroy’s planet earth, which is totally happening this Saturday.