March 2011

Anonymous's picture

Whatevz

 Oh ya I am back from Mexico.

Didn't get sick this time.

A few look-alike celebs were back at the resort this year: Guy Who Looks Like Dog The Bounty Hunter and Guy Who Looks Like John Locke From Lost.

Ate some tacos.

Drank tequila.

Drunkenly sang "Firework" by Katy-Boobs McBig-Eyes Perry.

Need better blog topics than recounting trips I went on.

 

So how about that Japan?

What a mess.

Right.

Anonymous's picture

Nintendo 3DS & What It Means For You & Me

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In a few weeks, Nintendo will release their latest handheld video gaming system, the 3DS, successor to the beloved DS/DS Lite/DSi/DSi XL/DSi XXXL ++ PREMIERE GOLD EDITION platform which has been repackaged more times than that Todd McFarlane “Spider Man #1” comic.

The big feature of this new handheld is the fact that the upper screen is capable of displaying 3D images without the need for ridiculous glasses. And not only will it have 3D enabled games, the 3DS also sports a 3D camera on the outer shell through the use of dual lenses of stunning 0.3 Megapixel resolution. 3D photos are stored on a removable SD card, which I assume means you can pass around your 3D photos to share with friends.

So you know what this means.

The dawning of mobile 3D porn is upon us. And I shall not let this opportunity pass me by. 

That's why FShock Enterprises is proud to announce it's newest subdivision: Sukmide Incorporated, AKA Sukmide Inc.

I have appointed myself as CEO, President, Head Photographer and Casting Agent for Sukmide. After we have created some content, I will be launching a new website, tentatively titled “The 3DSexxx Shop”. A monthly subscription (price TBD) will get you full access to exclusive low-resolution 3D porn pix.

I need to move fast, so I have already put up posters at local high-schools. More info as it becomes available. 

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Anonymous's picture

Jeff Dunham: Funniest Man Alive?

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A few days ago, Jeff Dunham performed in Calgary. Jeff Dunham is the worst.

If you aren’t familiar with the man of which I speak, watch this clip:

 

Did you laugh? Then you are an idiot.

Jeff Dunham is a ventriloquist comedian. That should really tell you all there is to know. One of his hilarious characters is a skeleton wearing a turban. Achmed the Dead Terrorist. I believe he was a suicide bomber of some sort. I’m not totally positive as I haven’t read the complete backstory of this particular Dunham creation. Perhaps one day I will tour Dunham’s “Creature Shop” and see where the magic happens. Most likely his shop is located in Vietnam where he pays children to create his shitty puppets via a napkin sketch and Paypal money transfer.

Most of the terrorist’s jokes are hilarious riffs on Arabs and how they are terrorists. It’s very clever stuff, like watching a live version of a comic from The New Yorker.

This particular puppet’s/dummy’s catchphrase is “I KILL YOU!”. Hilarious. Every. Time. He has these big eyes that move all around and he’s always yelling “I KILL YOU!” and it always gets huge guffaws from the Morlocks and Podunkville residents in the audience. 

Speaking of the audience, last year Jeff Dunham earned, through pure hard work and creative force, 27.7 MILLION DOLLARS in concert sales. 

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More than Jay-Z. More than The Jonas Bros. Even more than motherfuckin’ country royalty Brooks & Dunn. (Though not as much as Nickelback or Michael Buble. Go Canada.)

He sold 616,377 tickets at an average price of $44.94. 

In other words, several times in the year 2010, a stadiums worth of people paid $45.00 to sit down and listen to Jeff Dunham yell “I KILL YOU!” with his hand up a puppet's ass.

Clearly this is the way. The path to success, fame, and fortune.

That is why I, with my hatchet and a block of wood I excavated from a dried up lake bed, have constructed my first of what I hope to be many puppets. I will stick my hand inside it, and I will make jokes. And I will finally strike it big.

A preview of my planned set at Average Joes, this April (still working out which date):

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“Hi everybody. Thanks for coming out to Joe’s Garage, also known as the back room of Average Joes that looks like a garage. Check this place out! It’s got garage doors and metal signs on the walls! Where are the winter tires stored, am I right you guys? Anyways, I’d like you all to meet my friend ‘Chuck’. Chuck is a puppet from the deep south.”

“I’m not a puppet! I’m a soon to be Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan! Get your hand out of my ass you f**king queer fudge packing fa**ot!”

<Joe’s Garage erupts in delighted laughter>

<Pause for laughter to die down>

“Hey hey, Chuck, watch it now! I need my hand there to control your realistic skull features and to make your mouth move when you talk!”

“The last time I touched a skull was when I curb-stomped a dirty ***** ni**er after a drunken night of beating my wife and burning churches!”

<Joe’s Garage erupts in joyful approving laughter>

"Hey, you can't use the N word!" 

"Hey, I'm just a puppet! Go tell yourself that!" 

<A pregnant woman in the audience gives birth due to laughing so hard it broke her vagina>

That’s just a taste! Telling racist jokes via an inanimate object basically makes you impervious from all criticism. Sort of like being a racist or a bigot but citing it in the Bible because then that makes it alright. Because some passage appears in a book that was written centuries ago and translated and interpreted over years and years like some textual form of the game Telephone, only instead of laughing at the hilarious result of multiple misinterpretations, we take it as commandments on how to live our lives, no questions asked.

Anyways, I’m hoping this comedy night goes better than the last time I tried it. I made the mistake of not having a dummy to deliver my jokes, so my opening line “So an aborted fetus walks into a bar and rapes a nun...” resulted in mostly stunned silence and a lifetime ban from “Open Mic Night At The Ventura”. Sorry residents of Coaldale

Anonymous's picture

Window Dressing

 In the interests of improving the first thing people see when loading this page, by pushing down the previous post: remember this?

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