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February 2011

Anonymous's picture

Egyptian Revolution VS Pajamagram

Submitted by Akolade on Friday, February 11, 2011 - 11:52

Some stuff is going on in Egypt. The President stepped down because the Egyptian people think he is "a dick" and they are sick of "building pyramids all the time". Not only have they gotten rid of their dick of a president, but I'm pretty sure they are getting one, if not TWO holidays out of this event. February 11  will be "Egyptian Freedom Day" and January 25, when this all started, will probably be some sort of holiday for government workers, but an optional holiday for other people and you DON'T get overtime for working it, so simmer down there fry cook at the Cairo McDonalds!

I had missed the live announcement because I was working, so I went to cnn.com to check out the video of the VP-For-A-Day's announcement that President Mubarak was stepping down.

Of course, this sort of thing can't be free. Before watching this historical announcement, I had to sit through a 30 second version of this video:

 

The juxtaposition was unsettling. Egyptian people are risking their lives to overthrow their dictatorship government, meanwhile we are giving our wives full-body blanket pajamas. This is where you are headed, Egypt! Democracy!

Now I have composed some captions for the Pajamagram:

Your body has lost it's lustre honey. Please cover up in this soft pink body suit and emulate a living breathing towel.

pajamagram.jpg

 

I've given up on life. I am no longer interested in sex. Here wear this and go away, leave me to my Nascar video tapes.

pajamagram.jpg

 

Honey, I'd find you far more attractive if you dressed like a newborn baby. This is not creepy.

pajamagram.jpg

 

And now for step 1 of my plan to introduce my wife to my Furries fetish...

pajamagram.jpg


In closing, Egypt is free and in 50 years their only worry will be "which color of Pajamagram should I get my wife" and that's what freedom is all about.
 

 

Anonymous's picture

Ketamines Cover Starz

Submitted by Akolade on Thursday, February 17, 2011 - 10:21

(left-click on your computer mouse to read article)

 

Check out this group of so-and-sos called Ketamines, many recently fired from my band The Square Waves for persuing other projects (as is the rule).

Evan has "Big Green", his fav dildo in his pocket. Jane is chowing down on a pepper "Iron Chef" style. Martine doesn't know what she's eating because she forgot her glasses. JL is uneasily enjoying a broccoli as his twin brother "Ched" smiles on from his shoulder as he always does, freaking everybody out. And finally, Paul is a cannibal. Notice how he drained all the blood first? Dexter would be proud.

Anyways, the Ketamines new CD "Learning To Feel Again" drops tomorrow from EMI at your local Walmart; catch them on tour with Lady Antebellum this summer!

Anonymous's picture

Mexico 2: The Revenge

Submitted by Akolade on Friday, February 18, 2011 - 02:34

Hola. Remember last year when I went to Mexico? Well, I am going back!

The resort called me up and said “We want you back! You were such a hit last year!”

So I am going back.

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Last year I got really sick. Apparently I must have accidentally loaded my plate up with the Poop Souffle at the buffet, with a side of Diarrhea Soup and a tall glass of Anus Juice. 

Woops, hope you weren’t eating guys. Sorry.

I have decided to approach the buffet (your primary source of food at the resort) differently this time around. For one, stick with complementary foods. Instead of loading your plate with Mini Tacos, Lobster Salad, Chow Mein Noodles and Lasagna, stick with one region of food. Your plate doesn’t need to resemble the United Nations lunchroom. 

Also: less fruity drinks. They are good and all, but you get sick of that shit fast. Start the day with a nice piña colada and then switch over to beer. I am really hoping to reach my goal of “drunk every day” this time. I failed miserably last year.

We also are bringing a wide array of drugs and stuff, like Tums, Vitamins, and Watery Poo Medicine which is the medical term.

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I’m not sure if I will have Internet access when I am there. The idea of no Internet for 7 days is appealing. What would the world be like when I got back home? Would Lethbridge have an East Side Marios again? Would we finally have an Olive Garden? Would all my friends be all on about “bottomless breadsticks night”, using Olive Garden related lingo that I didn’t understand?

Will I be an outcast?

How many new bands will have sprung up? Was there some new Lethbridge buzzband on Beatroute when I was gone? Will there be a new venue opened up, and I already missed a show by the newly reunited Inbreds? I can’t believe I was away in Mexico when the Inbreds reformed and played Lethbridge.

Will try 2 reconnect with U when I get back. Will try 2 rebuild the friendships. Will relearn guitar and just play solo shows at Owl, no big deal. Will read about Sled Island in the papers, find out what people thought. Maybe I’ll write a song about it. Maybe I’ll start writing songs about the joys of parenthood and family life. “Here’s my new song ‘Every Day Is The Same And That’s OK’, I hope you all like it, and the bar wanted me to tell you that it’s last call.”

I think I was going to Mexico for a week. Right ok later!

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