I have a ton of shit I wrote but never posted to my blog for various reasons:
- It was possibly too offensive
- The topic turned out to not be a good idea after all
- I never finished it for whatever reason...probably because of point 2.
What better time than to post some of this crap now?! Because now I can use the excuse of "This is from the Lost Posts Archives!" if it ends up sucking royal donkey ass. Which it will!
Swallow
First on our list is one which fits into categories 1 AND 2, in which I showed the differences you get searching Google Image Search with Safesearch ON or OFF. I wrote a wonderful short story with tons of links that you really shouldn't look at while at work. Back when I wrote this, which was seriously about 4 years ago, Google Image Search seemed to index a lot more porn for everyday common words than it does nowadays. So, this probably won't be near as successful. But most of it still works.
Here it is, feel free to not click on the links, and just see it as a terrible narrative.
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Safesearch ON.
I started the day at the pool playing water polo. Watersports are my favorite. The shower there was broken though. They are always quite slippery anyways, because there aren't any rubber grips on the floor. If I ever slipped I could get the legal department on their ass.
Anyways, then I decided I wanted to buy some jewelry, so I went to the store and decided on a pearl necklace. I made sure it wasn't fake first. There were some decent golden rings there too. The clerk was quite young and had nice facial features.
Then I realized I was hungry. I was so hungry I could eat a sperm whale! I really craved some asian food. But my throat sort of hurt. I thought that maybe some Bukkake noodle would be easy to swallow! Then I thought that I could maybe go for a salad, which will involve some salad tossing. Then I wondered how many buildings have rear entry, just in case I go to the grocery store for salad later and there is a fire or something. Always good to have an alternative escape route. Then I started thinking that dessert would be nice too. Maybe a cream pie or perhaps some whipped cream and chocolate syrup? Maybe a hot fudge sundae with a cherry and shaved chocolate on top.
Before I went to the store though, I had to go to my job. I wished I had more time so I could of bought lunch, then take it in to work. Oh well. I manufacture door knockers for a living. You know, those things that are hung on the door. It's pretty fucking boring, but the gang of guys I work with are alright. All day at work I had a song by the Mamas and the Papas in my head for some reason.
Anyways, after a hard day at work (things got hairy for a few hours when we thought we wouldn't meet our tight deadline), I went to the grocery store, and then decided to rent a movie. I wasn't sure if the store was open, but then I saw an employee motion at me to come inside, so I came in. I thought, "Maybe Saving Private Ryan or even that Brad Pitt movie Snatch?". I decided on Not Another Teen Movie, (I always seem to rent movies that blow), and went home. There was a cute pussy cat on my lawn. It was really furry. Not as furry as the doggy next door though. He's a puffy little thing.
I went inside my house and saw clothes spread all over the floor. I forgot to buy more hangers! I can be so sloppy sometimes. I cleaned it up and then sat on my leather couch. I tried eating some candy from the day before, but it was rock hard. I needed something wet to wash it down. I enjoyed a bottle of Boston Beer Works (BBW) brand beer and watched my movie. The beer was a pleasure, but the movie really sucked hard. It blew my mind how crappy it was. But, I forced myself to watch it. I went from drunk to wasted in no time. I drank my beer so fast that I almost choked. I started to gag but then I was alright.
Then I watched a porno. The End.
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And now, Safesearch OFF.
I started the day at the pool playing water polo. Watersports are my favorite. The shower there was broken though. They are always quite slippery anyways, because there aren't any rubber grips on the floor. If I ever slipped I could get the legal department on their ass.
Anyways, then I decided I wanted to buy some jewelry, so I went to the store and decided on a pearl necklace. I made sure it wasn't fake first. There were some decent golden rings there too. The clerk was quite young and had nice facial features.
Then I realized I was hungry. I was so hungry I could eat a sperm whale! I really craved some asian food. But my throat sort of hurt. I thought that maybe some Bukkake noodle would be easy to swallow! Then I thought that I could maybe go for a salad, which will involve some salad tossing. Then I wondered how many buildings have rear entry, just in case I go to the grocery store for salad later and there is a fire or something. Always good to have an alternative escape route. Then I started thinking that dessert would be nice too. Maybe a cream pie or perhaps some whipped cream and chocolate syrup? Maybe a hot fudge sundae with a cherry and shaved chocolate on top.
Before I went to the store though, I had to go to my job. I wished I had more time so I could of bought lunch, then take it in to work. Oh well. I manufacture door knockers for a living. You know, those things that are hung on the door. It's pretty fucking boring, but the gang of guys I work with are alright. All day at work I had a song by the Mamas and the Papas in my head for some reason.
Anyways, after a hard day at work (things got hairy for a few hours when we thought we wouldn't meet our tight deadline), I went to the grocery store, and then decided to rent a movie. I wasn't sure if the store was open, but then I saw an employee motion at me to come inside, so I came in. I thought, "Maybe Saving Private Ryan or even that Brad Pitt movie Snatch?". I decided on Not Another Teen Movie, (I always seem to rent movies that blow), and went home. There was a cute pussy cat on my lawn. It was really furry. Not as furry as the doggy next door though. He's a puffy little thing.
I went inside my house and saw clothes spread all over the floor. I forgot to buy more hangers! I can be so sloppy sometimes. I cleaned it up and then sat on my leather couch. I tried eating some candy from the day before, but it was rock hard. I needed something wet to wash it down. I enjoyed a bottle of Boston Beer Works (BBW) brand beer and watched my movie. The beer was a pleasure, but the movie really sucked hard. It blew my mind how crappy it was. But, I forced myself to watch it. I went from drunk to wasted in no time. I drank my beer so fast that I almost choked. I started to gag but then I was alright.
Then I watched a porno. The End.
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...ya so, that really wasn't very clever. If you actually clicked those links, you've probably lost all faith in humanity by now.
Aren't you glad it's only from the Lost Posts Archives?
"Kaitlin, like did you see TBL the other day? OMG"
