June 2009

Anonymous's picture

Start o' the Week Round Up

So much going on yesterday!



Conan O'Brien started as host of The Tonight Show. There were worries that his show would suddenly suck, because Jay Leno sucked for so many years. Well, it appears The Tonight Show is merely Late Night with a bigger budget and in Los Angeles rather than New York. The theme song is the same (but a bit more rock n' roll), Max Weinberg is there with what appears to be the same band, and even Andy Richter is back! Andy! Although he isn't on the couch anymore, he stands off to the side and laughs and stuff. But still... Andy!

Jimmy Fallon still sucks.

In other news, Bill 44 passed here in Alberta, the most progressive province in Canada. It's such a popular bill that it became a trending topic on Twitter last night! Then again, so did "#goodsex" and "#clothdiapers", so I wouldn't use the post-Oprah Twitter crowd as any sort of measuring stick when it comes to social consciousness.



Bill 44 allows parents to remove their children from school whenever a teacher teaches about hardcore anal sex as a viable alternative to a family with both a mother and father. Also, if a teacher mentions that humans weren't created via God's hand 6000 years ago, they can take their kids out of that class and spare their children from hearing the wacky "theories" of "scientists". Fancy fat-cat scientists with their "degrees" and "logical reasoning" and "scientific method" and "fact gathering" and "lab coats".

...and "safety goggles".

And in still other equally important news, Arby's now has Loaded Curly Fries. I'm talking about "hey let's put our baked potato toppings and put it on curly fries!" Roll call: cheese sauce, shredded cheddar, an enourmous mound of sour cream, and some curiously crunchy bacon bits. It'll have you saying "oh god why?" in no time!



And the weeks just gotten started!
Anonymous's picture

Sing Along With The Square Waves!

So my band The Square Waves are playing this Saturday at GCBCs! This is our first show since that "love song" covers show last February, which drained our will to live. Check us out.

We will be playing songs.

Feel free to sing along. To aid and balyhoo this notion, here are the lyrics to our songs:

1) Down With The Gullwing Doors



I walk into the club looking kind of sexy now.
I see these shorties in the corner, they started making out.
They pull their panties down, they take their pants off.
Then they started getting freaky on the dance floor.
Shake it mommy give it to me like you need some love.
I got some bottles in the caddy that we can open up.
Let's get drunk tonight, baby we don't have to fuck.
And bring your friend along, maybe we can have some fun.

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [x4]
I got these bitches all tipsy trying to sex me.
I know they want it, alcoholics are some sex freaks.
This ex and chronic gots me wanting to get messy.
So let's get messy girls, come on let's go get messy girls.
Come on bitch, you know you want this.
That hardcore shit will make you feel the toxic.
Versace, Rolex watches.
Bently coups with the 20's droppin.
Convertible top, and the wheels spin.
I can taste that ice when my grill is in.
If you want me baby feel me in.
'cause I don't waste my time with lesbians.

Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [x4]
Paul: Liar! [x8]
Oh baby why did you have to lie to me.
I can't play no more games.
These thoughts are slowly controlling me.
You're turning off the flame.
So go baby go baby.
You don't want me.
So go baby go baby.
Come and get me.
So go baby go baby.
You don't want me.
So go baby go!
Come and get me.
Let's get freaky now, let's get fucking freaky now. [x4]


2) All That's Left


Paul: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TEASE ME! YOU MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! DAMN RIGHT HOE YOU'RE SO SLEEZY! YOU GIVE ME THE HIBBY JIBBIES! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD!

Turn around girlfriend now drop it. Let me see you pop and lock it. Put your hands down in my pocket. And make my PP hard. Shut the fuck up bitch, quit talking. I want to see those panties dropping. Drop dropping. Drop dropping. Drop those fucking panties girl!

She's bringing sexy back. Look at how she shakes that ass. She drops it to the floor. GIRL YOU'RE SUCH A DIRTY WHORE! (x2)

Paul: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TEASE ME! YOU MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! DAMN RIGHT HOE YOU'RE SO SLEEZY! YOU GIVE ME THE HIBBY JIBBIES! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD!

And I love it when you tease me, YEAH! You're sexy baby but you know that. You don't have to ask me a million times. If you want to have sex lets make some time. Lets take them drugs, lets drink so wine. Feel that bottle up baby and make it shine. When I can feel your body next to mine. That when I know it's sexy time. (come on)

She's bringing sexy back. Look at how she shakes that ass. She drops it to the floor. GIRL YOU'RE SUCH A DIRTY WHORE! (x2)

Paul: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TEASE ME! YOU MAKE IT SEEM SO EASY! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! DAMN RIGHT HOE YOU'RE SO SLEEZY! YOU GIVE ME THE HIBBY JIBBIES! WHEN YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD! GIRL YOU MAKE MY PEE PEE HARD!

I know you want me girl. I can tell by the way you stare. Your body's calling me. As you shake your dariare. OH YEAH! OH YEAH! Baby girl we can bump and grind. OH YEAH! OH YEAH! We can do this all the time. (x2)


3) The Sum


ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
Jane: SQUARE WAVES WILL NEVER DIE! (x2)

Now I can feel the needle break, deep inside of my veins.
They try to tell me I’m insane, but they make me that way.
So come and take me away.
From this monster that you’ve made of me.
I feel like dying, erasing all of these memories…

I’m trapped inside this cage tonight!
You torture my brain with blades and knifes!
I need you to try to save my life!
Jane: BEFORE I GO INSANE! (x2)

ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
Jane: SQUARE WAVES WILL NEVER DIE! (x2)

In 7 days my schizophrenia breaks my brain cavity waves.
I'm then left Distorted, decayed!
These faces of insane originated this pain.
And invented these demented ways to break me!
Intoxicated, I’m faded inside my dreams.
Motivated on defeating these haters in everything.
It’s the only thing that keeps me alive.
It keeps me away from all of your mother fucking lies!!!

I’m trapped inside this cage tonight!
You torture my brain with blades and knifes!
I need you to try to save my life!
BEFORE I GO INSANE! (x2)

Jane: ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
Paul: THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
Ryan: FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
All: SQUARE WAVES WILL NEVER DIE! (x2)

I feel my nails rip my flesh.
I feel I’ve gone insane.
I never wanted to hurt you.
But you made me this way.
So now I know I’m crazy.
I feel there’s no more pain.
These voices call out to me.
They’re screaming out my name.

Jane: ONE! TWO! We’re coming for you.
Paul: THREE! FOUR! Lock your door.
Ryan: FIVE! SIX! Suck on my dick.
All: SQUARE WAVES WILL NEVER DIE! (x4)


4) Be The Last Time


She's starin',
and the mood is right.
music blarin' and the ladies are lookin' nice
i'm lookin' good and you know it too.
so tell me why should i,
fuck with you.

she always callin,
blowin' up my instant messenger.
its getting hot in here,
i'm turning off the temperature.
this club is crawling with exotic stripper leopard skirts.
they got's me feeling like i'm never having sex with her.

she always callin,
blowin' up my instant messenger.
its getting hot in here,
i'm turning off the temperature.
this club is crawling with exotic stripper leopard skirts.
they got's me feeling like i'm never having sex with her.

Jane: I WILL FUCK YOU.
I DONT WANNA FUCK YOU,
WHERE I TOOK YOU.
Paul: (you sound so innocent)
Jane: I WILL SUCK YOU.
YOU GOT ME FEELING SO ALIVE
I WILL FUCK YOU,
IN THE SKY!

i hope i showed ya',
you no got's to go slow motion
hoping that, she'd know theres disease.
even though she's bleedin'
im leavin'
heavy breathin',
there'll be no conceivin'.
thats a rap,
after the big nasty,
grab me and do the happy.
gone. stop.
this goes no further,
you couldnt pay me to touch that traunch burger.
Jane: WHAT THE FUCK IS A TRAUNCH BURGER?!

she always callin,
blowin' up my instant messenger.
its getting hot in here,
i'm turning off the temperature.
this club is crawling with exotic stripper leopard skirts.
they got's me feeling like i'm never having sex with her.

Jane: I AINT NEVER GUNA FUCK YOU!
THIS IS TRUE,
ROSES SMELL LIKE, POO POO!
you say you love me
i bet that you do.
but i will
never,
ever (x29)
Paul: FUCK YOU!

Jane: i dont wanna have sex with whore.
Paul: (but she looks so sexy the way she moves.)
Jane: i dont wanna have sex any more.
Paul: (quit bein' a fucking prune.)
Jane: i dont wanna have sex with this whore
Paul: (but dude, this bitch is hot!)
Jane: i dont wanna have sex anymore.
Paul: (just take another shot, or i'll beat the FUCK outta' you.)
Jane: hahaha, haaaa, you son of a...

she always callin,
blowin' up my instant messenger.
its getting hot in here,
i'm turning off the temperature.
this club is crawling with exotic stripper leopard skirts.
they got's me feeling like i'm never having sex with her


---

Thanks, we look forward to hearing you sing along with The Square Waves!
Anonymous's picture

Technical Problems

Well, The Square Waves played on Saturday. It didn't go so well. It was an unmitigated disaster. No mitigation whatsoever! I'm talking none!

Actually, we played well, it was the sound setup that was a problem. I DI'd my rig, which is to say, Direct Inputted it. Probably a bad idea since we hadn't really done that much before. Usually I run my stuff through the guitar amp and we mic it. There were sound level issues, or SOMEthing, which was causing huge distorted BANGS out of the speakers. Not nice at all.

The plus side was, that since we didn't hit the stage till around 12:45am or so, that there weren't many people left, and those who were there were mostly drunk.


The Moby Dicks



Miesha and the Spanks



The Brenda Vaqueros



The Square Waves


We were playing the main stage in the Henotic downstairs, which isn't really the best for a smaller band. You are playing to an enourmous room with pretty bad sound. Oh well, whattya do. There will be other gigs.


the green half


I did recall today something one of the dudes from Calgary's Azeda Booth told me about having a lot of electronic instruments: run them all through a compressor. It will equalize all your sound and you won't have to worry about levels so much. I think that's my problem. I will be looking into that option for next show, so it doesn't turn to shit.

Speaking of sound setups, I have recorded several songs about them. Because what do you do when you begin a recording session? You test out the sound setup, by singing things like "Testing out the sooound setuppp...oh yaaa..". Except most people would erase that recording. I however, mix it down and put it on a CD. Pure gold!

I have six such songs on record, "The Worst Sound Setup We've Had", "Sound Setup Test 19 And A Half", "Sound Setup #184", "The Most Horrible Sound Setup ", "Sound Setup Test Song", and "Late Nite Setup Test Song". All pieces of crap. All available for the low low price of $3.99 on CD-R from Wowbam Records new boutique label: "Bobwam Records".


Jeff n Steve - The Worst Sound Setup We've Had:

[ Play "The Worst Sound Setup We've Had" ]

Download (mp3)

More show pics on my Flickr stream!
Anonymous's picture

Porn + AIDS

fullblown


So recently a Porn actress tested positive for AIDS, and possibly spread it to others while performing in films. I probably don't need to say this, but that's a bad profession for someone who gets AIDS. I mean, Basketball player? No big deal. Underwriter? AIDS ain't gonna keep you from all that underwriting. But getting slammed in every hole with man-rods to earn your paycheque? Not good.

This made me wonder, what happens with the films that got made during the "AIDS" period? I mean, she could have filmed like 50 films before she found out. Do they get removed from the shelves?

Does anyone really want to watch a movie where a bunch of people contract AIDS?

Buzzkill. Like, at the start of the film, one person has AIDS, then by the closing orgy, like, 19 people have AIDS. I'm supposed to masturbate to this?

Also, what happens to the films if they stop selling them? If you happen to own a copy of "Azz Guzzlers Volume 19", which features newly diagnosed Porn Actress X, is it now a collectors item? It sort of becomes a Snuff film, only you don't see the people die. You just know its going to happen sooner than normal.

In a way, every porn is like a Snuff film, or maybe a Zombie film. Because you know they are all dead inside.

Hope I brightened your day.
Anonymous's picture

Nineteen Ninety Seven: The State of Indie Rock

The kids today. The kids today look like this:


Photo lovingly borrowed from the curious site "Last Nights Party"



So fucking stylish and strung out. However, rewind back 12 years, and witness what the kids looked like 1997, in this video featuring my band Favour playing our tedious instrumental "Sadier", as we play Nancy's house. I don't remember who Nancy is, other than that her name was Nancy and sort of dressed like a hippie. Back in those days, we would play nearly hour long sets. Only in recent years have I realized "no one wants to hear most bands play for an hour", and I bet this was especially true in front of an audience of future crusty-punks, drug addicts, and accountants (hey some of them must be successful).
I left on a few minutes of the kids who hijacked my video camera. They were BIG Favour fans, as is evidenced by them calling us "pussies". Old timers will recognize Chris and JL from No Copies Left (NCL). Also Wil Schotz (sp?) of the Calgary scene. Our own pre-army Steve is sitting up front, thrilled out of his mind.
 



Note: 90% of people in the video above are now dead.

Anonymous's picture

Sled Island Tonight

I am heading up to Sled Island tonight to play in Endangered Ape. Check us out at Verns! The greatest bar in Alberta!
New Zealand's own Cut Off Your Hands play right after us, so that's cool.

I thought I should let you know in case you were thinking of going to one of those lame bands like Mount Eerie or Japanther or The Coathangers, etc. Just kidding.

Actually I don't like the Coathangers, at least not the one song I've heard. It sounds like if you recorded snotty 14 year old girls in their first band and then it got tons of airplay on the Sirius indie station. Headache inducing.

That was uncool. I don't like to slag off bands...well not on the Internet. Maybe their other songs are rad. Maybe. I may skip playing guitar in Endangered Ape and check them out. My guitar is never plugged in anyways.

So ya, come out to the Coathangers show with me!

And to sum this post up perfectly: AN APE CREATED OUT OF COAT HANGERS.