June 2006

Anonymous's picture

The Smiths


Not gay.

Apotheos just walked into my office and said the music I was listening to (The Smiths) was gay.

I know it's not gay because Morrissey has a GIRLFRIEND.. in a COMA.

How could a gay guy have a GIRLFRIEND huh? Jeez.

Current Music: The Smiths/Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before

***UPDATE*** Hey there, it's me from the future, 2015. Originally this post had a photo of the Smiths that I linked to from a website. No doubt I found the photo using AskJeeves, being that it was 2006 when I wrote this post. The fact that I even wrote a post this unfunny really shows the age of it. Anyway, I have replaced the said copyrighted image by a well known photographer with this artists rendition of the Smiths instead. I hope I captured the hair of the era. Ok, I need to go back to 2015 now, enjoy 2006, with your Iraq War and President Bush. Wait till you find out about YOLO and "Bae"! Just kill yourself now!! ***

Anonymous's picture


Man, SuicideGirls has really gone down hill lately.

Current Music: Sonic Youth

Anonymous's picture

2:40AM, June 3, 2006.

Ok, it's 2:40am, June 3 2006.

What are/did you do/doing/did at this time?

I'm sitting with some clothes on watching Carson Daly, which I hate, so I'm going to bed, after I spent the last 3.5 hours:

  • Watching TV (simpsons,familyguy,southpark,etc)
  • Reading old BBS messages from 1994-1997
  • Drinking an apple juice
  • Reading about how you clone ships in Ultima II
  • Trolling for loose women
  • Top secret things

Post with your responses. Once we have enough, I can create a Virtual Reality map called "2:40AM, June 3 2006" which will accurately depict what happened at that exact time on planet Earth.

My eyes are bloodshot, good night. Do you sleep naked? Thanks.

Current Music: i have a gram parsons song in my head
Current Mood: insane

Anonymous's picture


It has been said many a time by many a girl that she is looking for a man who doesn't play head games.
Why do men always play head games? My first answer to her was "They just don't like you because your fat and they picked you up when they were drunk." But I decided against saying anything like that.

Here is a theory I'm going to postulate in the next few minutes. Bear in mind that I'm making it up as I write it, but it will probably all make sense by the end.

The majority of people aren't playing head games. They typically don't have the capacity to coordinate the kind of cunning that is needed for the kinds of "head-games" they are accused of. I just used three C-words in that last sentence. I think I shall continue by using a fourth. Confusion. Something that you're probably feeling right now. Don't worry, so am I.

Human beings are chemical creatures (more C-Words)driven by the impulse of pheremones and instinct. What are phermones and instinct? I'm not entirely sure and since I have given myself only a few minutes in which to write this, I'm not about to research it. But then again, nobody else really knows what they are either, which is why they follow it blondly into the face of danger. That was supposed to be "blindly", but I'm going to leave it just for the sake of one certain blonde I know.

Where was I? Oh yes, pheremones and instinct and what-not. Pheremones are the powerful secretions that animals give off that make other animals horny. Hopefully of the same species. Instincts are the sub-conscious forces that our inner-animals (the ones that refuse to remain inner after a night on hard liqour) follow because millions of years of habit is hard to kick.

When you put those two things together, you get Confusion, (see, I knew I'd get back to that somehow) usually in the female. Men and women who's division between the inner animal and their conscious self are more suseptable to the instincts that secretly govern them. A man's instinct is to mate as often as it takes to ensure that he passes on his genetic code. A woman's instinct is to find a suitable mate who can provide her with genetic code so that she can produce offspring. Note: The longer they go without sex, the closer they get to their inner animal (which is why some humans will become very indiscriminate or incredibly bold in order to have sex).

Because of this instinct, men are always craving sex. A man in a relationship, new or old, meaningful or empty will want sex. Sex sex sex. In the morning, in the evening. In the bed, on the kitchen counter. In a public washroom stall in Banker's Hall, Downtown Calgary or a public telephone booth in Old-Town Prague around the corner from the Radost-FX. With the girl that sold him a cup of coffee at Starbucks to the girl he drove past going 60kmph down Regent Street on his way home from university. Men will want sex.

It isn't a head game that he is playing, it is instict he is following blindly.

Women are not the only victims here either for they too follow the same instincts. Women want desireable genetics to pass onto their children. They want a strong man with a brain who is good looking and has a penis on him that falls generally in the equestrian baracket of penis sizes. If you don't fall into this category, then chances are, your woman desires the genetic code of a man who is not you. She may go so far as to get that code and have you raise it. If you know what I mean. And what I mean is cheating on you. She may love you with all of her heart, but a human cannot deny instinct.

Especially in the face of pheremones. Yes, we almost forgot about that bit. Stop complaining, yes I know I've written for more than 5 minutes but I'm almost done. what? Oh yes, Pheremones.

Humans must understand the powerful influence pheremones have on the inner animal. Its big. Really really big. If you want to make a comparison of it, your inner animal is Mercury and pheremones are the sun. Your body does all it can to just not burst into flames. and girls give off a lot of pheremones. So do men, but I don't notice it so it doesn't bother me. But girls, man. Whoah, especially around certain times. Its like "Mmm, yeah baby, gimme some of that sugar." Young girls are the worst for giving off pheremones. I'm surprised I made it all the way through High School without suffering spontaneous combustion.

Anyways, this is Fauzian length already so I'll end it quick. What were we talking about? Ah, head games, right. Ok, yeah, so they aren't games (most of the time), what they are is the inner animal in all of us taking control in order to perpetuate human existence. And we just talked about two things that contribute to these so called Head-Games. Pheremones and Instinct. There are countless other problems we have in the biology department. But I don't know what they are. Hormones and stuff I think they're called.

So in conclusion, don't naturally think that you're dating or dated a player. Chances are they're too dumb to formulate the devious plan you credit them for, they're just victims of instinct.
Anonymous's picture

The Sound Garden: No Water For You

Typical Night at the Sound Garden

A few weeks ago I was at the "21+" bar called The Sound Garden, a place I had never been to before.

It is a strange place full of 21 to 51 year olds, all acting like they are 21.

It is a scary place. But interesting. Especially if you are a little hammered when you get there. It's like a sort of weird avant-garde performance art curiousity. Or a bunch of horny old people dancing on tables.

She is pretty hot

Anyways, after last call, I wanted water. So I went to the bar.

Me: "Can I just get a glass of water please?"

Girl behind bar: "Sorry, you have to buy a bottle. It's $1.85."

Me: "!!!!!!!!"

Since when do you have to pay for water at a fucking bar?

Being already drunk, this caused me to be super pissed off. Don't tell me I have to pay for water at a fucking bar, especially when I'm drunk.

I didn't know you could actually deny people water at a fucking bar.


Water: The Nectar Of The Gods.

Water: The Basic Element of Life.

Water: The Universal Solvent.

Water: $1.85 at the Cougarhood.
Anonymous's picture

MSN retards

People who change their MSN Nickname bother me. Unless I know the person outside of MSN I delete them. Anyone who changes their MSN Nickname or uses ridiculously long sentences with emoticons as their name needs to be slapped.

Here are some examples of people that I would long ago deleted if I A) did not want to sleep with them or B) didn't know them outside of MSN

WOW i finally did it _ _NOW i wait ._ ..DAMN _IT ....... says:

(*) Renee(*) Just found out I got an interview for Receptionist position at work ;) says:

... well, looks like I'm deleting her now. She used to be normal.

(#) when life hands u lemons - grab the tequila & salt!! says:

~~Kimmy~~.....mmmmm Ryan....lol--teasing~~ says:

Kimmy, you're deleted!

Got a shorter bar in my tongue today... pretty purple!! says:

C'mon Dai-zee, thats what the comment line is for.

continuing down the list it appears that I chat with a lot of retards. Delete Delete Delete.

You see, There is a little comment tag that goes at the bottom. That is where you can write your funny quips and up-to-the-minute details of your life. Otherwise conversations look like this:

WOW i finally did it _ _NOW i wait ._ ..DAMN _IT ....... says:
Hey there!
Achilles says:
what did you do this evening?
WOW i finally did it _ _NOW i wait ._ ..DAMN _IT ....... says:
went out and enjoyed the nice day
Achilles says:
lucky you.
WOW i finally did it _ _NOW i wait ._ ..DAMN _IT ....... says:
Achilles says:
Who are you again?
WOW i finally did it _ _NOW i wait ._ ..DAMN _IT ....... says:
Achilles says:
No, seriously. Who is this?

And thats just retarded.
Anonymous's picture

New Akolade Song

I have a new Akolade song on newmusiccanada.com called "Not A Real Place".

My only hope is that it will cause world peace. Have a listen and get my play-counts up!

If you want an MP3, here it is.
Anonymous's picture

No Tan Lines

Summer is almost coming, and the weather is getting hot.
One of my favourite summer-related songs is Pavement's "No Tan Lines", a B-Side to the Shady Lane single.

Download the song here (up for 7 days).
The lyrics are sort of hard to understand in places, but here they are as best as I can make out:

**Update: How funny, they played "Shady Lane" on the Wedge tonight.

Current Music: Pavement

Anonymous's picture


I just HAD to tell you about this article over at TMZ.COM which is website that has the most important news in the world.

TMZ has learned that Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and their three children will be moving back to Malibu, and the word is they're coming this weekend.

That's right! Two human adults and three young humans will be moving from one location to another location, at a TIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

I'm so excited I could just shoot myself in the face!

Current Music: Sloan - Amped

Anonymous's picture

Pizza Delight Revisited.

The fall of civilization began when people started pumping their own gas.
Ever since that day, mankind has been in a steady downward spiral.
Recently I noticed a sign at Pizza Delight.
It read "Toast Your Own Bread!"
They are very proud of this, you can tell because they included an exclamation mark.
They even have it in their most recent commercials.
Come on down and toast your own bread they tell me.
I don't go out for supper so that I can end up cooking my own food.
The very reason that I go out for supper, lunch or breakfast is because I am too lazy to be
bothered with the hassle of having to actually work at getting fed.
I want someone else to make it for me and then clean up after I'm done.
I don't pay money to do it myself.
If I wanted to do it myself I'd stay at home.
What's next?
"Bus your own table!" or "Wash your own plates!"
It's bad enough nowadays that when I go to the grocery store I have to load my own bags into
my cart.
Many places are going an extra step by making the customers pack their own grocery bags as
I have to pack my own grocery bags!
I'm not that old, but I remember a time when Bag Boy was a skilled job.
There was a pride Bag Boys had in doing a job well done.
There used to be Bag Boy competitions.
I don't know what king of things they would do at these competitions.
But I imagine that putting my bread and eggs in the same bag as my four-litre bottle of Javex
would not be one of them.
Because that is what a woman at Sobeys did for me.
Manufactured bread can become surprisingly compact when a four litre jug full of liquid is placed
on it.
Then she complained to me that her back was sore from loading bags.
Don't complain to me, you're not the one who now has to figure out how to make a sandwich out
of a wad of compressed dough.
It gets worse.
Atlantic Superstore has you check out your own groceries.
I am not making this up.
They have taken Self-Serve to a whole new level by removing the checkout girl from the
They have aisles where you scan your own groceries, pack your own grocery bags and load them
into your own cart.
And the entire time that you are doing this, there is a checkout girl standing there watching you.
Why are you standing there watching me do your job?
"I'm here to provide assistance in case you need help," she says.
Great, how about you come scan these groceries and load them into these bags for me?
There is a growing concern about unemployment rates in this country.
I think it might have something to do with the fact that I'm checking out my own groceries.
Not enough people complained when they fired all the gas jockeys.
Nobody said boo when they began installing Instant Tellers or Automatic Banking Machines.
People have forgotten the heady days of a time that when you paid $10 to wash your car you
weren't the one doing the washing.
Somewhere there must be a line drawn.
Sometime we must stand up and cry out, "No longer shall I pay for a service that I must perform
I would try and rally supporters to join in my cause and protest, but they are all too busy toasting
their own bread and packing their own groceries.

Current Mood: reflective

Anonymous's picture

tour new brunswick

It is now nearing summer time. A time where for most of you, you will find yourself with a few days of not having to work. Some of you will use these days to sit on the couch and digest Doritos and Oreo cookies. The rest of you will actually step outside of your house and go somewhere. But with the price of gasoline so high these days, you really don’t want to go far. Also, the farther you go from home, the more foreign the people get. And as we all know from watching Fox News (official motto: Fascism isn’t just for Nazis anymore), foreign people are terrorists.
So I am going to use these forums to tell you, the lonely Live journal nerd, where to go these summer holidays.

To hell.

Ha-ha. Just kidding.

Since I am living in New Brunswick, This is geared towards people who live in this area.
But I think a certain reader will get a kick out of tonight's hard work.

The first stop we’ll make on our wonderful and exciting tour of Fabulous New Brunswick will be

Moncton is located in the south eastern part of New Brunswick in the Petitcodiac River Valley (petitcodiac is french for small grapes) and is the Geographic centre of the Maritime Provinces. It was originally named Monckton after Lt. Colonel Robert Monckton who beat up some frenchies at Fort Beausejour and then chased out the Acadians. Due to some K-hatin’ clerks (see Fredericton) it was changed to it’s present name.

Go and see Magnetic hill! Drive to the bottom of this “world-famous” hill and take your foot off the brake and prepare to be amazed. Amazed that you just spent $5 to sit in your car at the bottom of a hill.

Or enjoy a day at the Magic Mountain Waterpark where you can enjoy rides with names like the Kamikaze, the Bullet and the Tornado. Be sure to take out extra disability insurance first.

I’m not entirely sure what else there is to do in this town, but I do know that it has a large mall and three strip joints. Price of a private dance is $20 and you’re allowed to touch... so I hear.
Moncton is the official home of Eric’s Trip and Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys and it’s official motto is “Moncton - We’re OK” (seriously).

Saint John is located in South-Central NB, at the mouth of the Saint John river and was home to the Passamaquoddy (meaning pass me my quoddy) Nation thousands of years ago. It was discovered by Europeans in 1604 having been lost for nearly a century when the Maliseet nation forgot where they had put it after a large party.

Located just minutes away is an “oasis” of forest, marsh beaches and trails. The Irving Nature Park contains no less than six different eco systems (marsh, everglade, moor, wetland, trembling prairie and quagmire) in the 600 acre site.
Also seen near Saint John is the world famous “Reversing Falls” where twice a day the tides in the Bay of Fundy do something that doesn’t happen anywhere else. They are able to construct a triangle from it’s angle bisectors.

Interesting Saint John facts:
-The “saint” in Saint John is never abbreviated. Unless you’re lazy, then it is SJ.
-Saint John is Canada’s first incorporated city.
-Was the home to Donald Sutherland, Stompin’ Tom Connor, Cecil B Demille, and Louis B. Mayer.
-Saint John is home to Canada’s largest oil refinery.
-Saint John smells bad.

Located somewhere near the centre of the province is the capital city, Fredericton. In 1783, United Empire Loyalists settled the area after the American Revolution. They all froze to death. Somebody probably should have told them it gets feckin’ miserable here in the winter time.

Originally named Frederick’s Town until lazy K-hatin’ clerks (see Moncton) got hold of it and shortened it. It was once home to the Mi'kmaq and Maliseet peoples. Now they live on a small reservation on the North side of town roughly 6 kilometers long and 29 feet wide.

Fredericton and its surroundings are “rich in water resources” meaning there are a lot of swamps and insects.

For things to do, go downtown and see the historic Garrison District where you can enlist your child (12 and under) into the British Colonial Army for a day. Perhaps you will be lucky and he will be sent off to suppress a rebellion or invade Quebec.

Fredericton is home to the annual Harvest Jazz and Blues Festival. This attracts dozens of jazz and blues musicians and the thousands of bearded pot-heads and snobby intellectuals that listen to them.

Fredericton’s official motto is: “It is probably raining while you are reading this motto”
It’s official city bird is the mosquito.
The area of Rusagonis is pronounced “Rusha-gornish” even though there are no “R”s or “H”s.

Come here and find the Kings Landing Historical Settlement. Learn what life was like in the 19th century here in New Brunswick. Apparently 19th century New Brunswick was full of hard-up actors and struggling history students wearing uncomfortable and itchy clothes making soap from dead animals and candles from dead soap. Its both fun and educational.

Prince William’s favorite detergent is Downy.

New Brunswick’s first town. Seriously, and they are notoriously proud of this. They’re willing to fight anyone who wants to dispute it. Its pretty much the only thing that this town has going for it. The town hall is located in an old garage. Woodstock has had at least 22 newspapers operating at on time or another, but since people in Woodstock generally can’t read, they havn’t been too successful.

There isn’t really anything to do here actually. Forget I even mentioned it.
Woodstock’s official flower is the dandelion.

Come see the worlds longest covered bridge! Then leave. Because seriously, there is nothing else to do here.
The official chemical reaction of Hartland is photosynthesis.

More french than Montreal, this town originally named Petit-Sault (small salt) was the centre of the Aroostook War. For a short time it was known as the Republic of Madawaska (Madagascar) as the Americans and the British slaughtered each other by the millions to decide it’s fate. It is where the inventor of the Puzz-3D puzzles is from, as well as Roch Viosine.

For those of you who like to enjoy insects indoors as well as out, visit the Insectarium at the New Brunswick Botanical Garden where their official motto is “We’ve got plants!”
Edmunston’s official drink is the “double-double with a shot of rye”

Miramichi is eleven years old. It was formed in 1995, when five smaller towns (Newcastle, Chatham, Douglastown, Loggieville and Nelson-Miramichi) merged with several other towns to form a so-called "megacity". “This was controversial at the time and still remains so in some quarters.” You can often walk downtown and see mothers covering the eyes of thier impressionable young children so as they don’t witness the abomination that is the Miramichi “megacity.”

Newcastle was originally settled by the Scottish in the 18th century and was originally named Miramichi but was changed because nobody could spell it right. Which still happens today which is why most Miramichians just call it “Feckin’ home”.

Something to do while in the Miramichi would be to call 623-9821. Because you’re invited to come aboard and take a tour of the islands and coves of the Miramichi on authentic fishing boat the Alexander! Aaargh, matey!

The official pastime of the Miramichi is incorporating other towns.
Anonymous's picture

Surprisingly Bad

Britney Spears in a Bikini.

Have a good weekend!
Anonymous's picture

Rain On My Parade

Please join me in hoping for rain and deadly thunderstorms this evening.

Because if the weather is nice, I will spend the evening outside watching 9 year olds play soccer.

This is bad because of three reasons:
  1. Game 7
  2. Oilers
  3. Stanley Cup Finals

So, pray for rain. Do it for the children.

Current Music: The Cure - Prayers For Rain

Anonymous's picture

iTunes Signature

This is a rather interesting little Java Applet, the iTunes Signature Maker.

It creates an "iTunes signature", which is a short clip of what you listen to a lot in iTunes.
Be warned, it takes a little while to run, so while you are waiting, look at some porn, or read an Oscar Wilde novel.

I created 2 clips. One with the default settings, which is what you listen to most overall, and another clip of what I listened to most recently.
It creates a WAV file, but I MP3'd them for your downloading pleasure.

My current installation of iTunes only stretches back a few months, so it's not really a totally accurate view of what I'm "into".

If you want to know what YOUR clip is composed of, click the "show structure" button after the clip gets created and it will show you what songs it used.
If you change the default settings, you can adjust it so that it is a lot easier to tell what things are (use longer clips with less overlapping).

Can you name any of the bands in my signatures? I can barely tell what some of them are.

I will give you MAD PROPS if you can identify them.


Current Music: Songs Ohia

Anonymous's picture

Spank me Brazil

Brazil is beating Japan 3-1 in the World Cup right now.
You know how I follow soccer!

Current Music: Sonic Youth - Rather Ripped

Anonymous's picture

Futurama Returns

Futurama gets new episodes!

Not until 2008 though. So, uh, try not to die before that!

Current Music: Sonic Youth - Silver Rocket

Anonymous's picture

Mirror Portrait: Part 3

Here is part 3 in a continuing series...

A naked girl with star tattoos. Er.. not quite Suicide Girls I'm afraid.

I remember when people would use pixelated mosaics to hide their faces on the internet. Now they just use their camera.

Outfit 1.

Outfit 2, which is better, because it shows more boob.

Gayest Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt ever.

Don't fall asleep on the stove.

The hair just doesnt match the face if you ask me.

I think this was left over from the Tanlines post.

Proof that when girls get together, they start getting naked.

Proof that when girls are alone, they start getting naked.

Suck it in!

Pearl necklace! Bwahahaha..

Bump alert! Preggers! uuh.. Knocked up!

Just escaped from prison..

..and then she took his shirt!

All I can say about this one is.. she is a disaster.

Is that a flower in your cleavage, or did you digitally conceal it with MS-Paint and the colour red?

This is almost stylish looking

Polka dots are still in.

As you can see here, the mermaids bra has fallen to the floor.

Oh she's so goofy and fun loving, yet edgy!

Those are some nice hardwood floors. I like the beer-box boxspring.

Almost! You can almost see up her skirt!

What exactly WAS the point of this photo?

Cockring earrings.


Recreation of the final scene from the Blair Witch Project.

That is all, and have a stunning weekend. Take a picture of yourself, in a mirror!!!
Anonymous's picture

3 People

My new band.


Current Music: Neil Young

Anonymous's picture

Karaoke Idol

Tonight I will be at The Corner Pocket watching Lethbridge Idol semi-finalists sing songs they didn't write.

I will be signing autographs if you are interested. Or not. See if I care!
Anonymous's picture

Pitchfork Rips Me Off

Neutral Milk Hotel

2 Days ago I listened to the amazing Neutral Milk Hotel album In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, and the next day Pitchfork does a story on the lead singer's (Jeff Mangum) possible return.

Yesterday and this morning I listen to Gram Parsons, and now I see on Pitchfork that they are reviewing a Gram Parsons reissue.

Gram Parsons

So I am wondering what I should listen to on the weekend so that I can read about it on Monday.

.. Ned's Atomic Dustbin?

Current Music: Gram Parsons
Anonymous's picture

The Pipettes

The Pipettes are a 3 girl pop-group from England, who make music with a style straight out of the 1950s. They took my idea of reviving a 50s girl band, except that mine was a 1450s girl band and the songs I wrote were primarily about the Siege of Belgrade and the Fall of Constantinople.

Anyways, the Pipettes are pretty damn catchy and perfect for those blazing hot summer days.
Sit on your porch, or your deck, or your front-lawn-couch, enjoy a Daiquiri and listen to The Pipettes. Wear polka dots!

Pipettes MP3s:

I have also created some wallpaper, to show my love for a certain Pipette!

[ Pipette Wallpaper by Akolade ] (1024x768)

Anonymous's picture

Fight, for your right, to party.

I assure you, my BBQ is much nicer

Canada Day (July 1..duh) I am having my BBQ on and beer, at around 5:30pm.

If you want to come by, you can!

Who is you exactly?


..but not you.

Comment if you want to know where my lair is.

Is this improper use of Livejournal?

I think so.

Like, it would be really embarrasing if nobody commented. I will have to create fake comments if it's approaching 5:30pm and no one has responded.

So, I mean, all youze guyz who read this and comment, that's who's invited.

Which essentially means I'm inviting any stranger who happens to read this.


You know, Brian Literall.. or something. Um, what the hell was this message about? OH ya.