April 2005

Anonymous's picture

I'm Dying

Bad news.

I just got word from the doctor.

I have Annular Feculitus of the brain.

Doctors say the headaches will be getting worse, and I may be dead before lunch.

That's why I am making my final Will and Testament.

Gastank O'Shams Final Will and Testament

To Akolade, my best friend, I leave

  • My complete collection of Swank magazine, March 1997-April 2005, along with the remainder of my subscription
  • My naked girl playing cards
  • My bong and other drug paraphernalia, including the Queen Mother's 100th Birthday Spoon I used for dissolving crack
  • My entire cassette tape and Beta-max library, including the pornos I recorded off of Davie.

To Davie, my other friend, I leave

  • My complete collection of Barely Legal magazine, November 1998-April 2005, along with the remainder of my subscription
  • All my clothes, except for my hats
  • My kazoo

To Anna, my older sister, I leave

  • My Hats

To Clara, my younger sister, I leave

  • Whats left of my box of Trojan condoms. Don't get pregnant at 14 like Anna did, sis!
  • My Britney spears posters, along with the box of the Britney mouths I cut out of the posters.
  • A drywall repair kit to repair the holes in the wall behind the mouths I cut out on the posters
  • My bar of soap, to wash your hands after you handle the posters and repair the drywall

To Cheryl, my favourite Asian waitress at the Corner Pocket, I leave

  • A collection of naked photos of myself, taken especially for you Cheryl
  • My Chinese restaurant take-out menus. I don't know who else would want them.
  • Chester, my favourite stuffed toy rabbit
  • The box with the Chester mouth in it that I cut out

Goodbye cruel world. It's been nice knowing you.
I'm going to go get wasted at whatever bar is open at 10 in the morning. If nothing is open, I'll rob a liquor store, and go down in a blaze of glory, being shot to death by the cops while I hurl jello shots at their cars!

-G. O'Shams

Current Music: Tubthumping by Chumbawamba
Current Mood: dying

Anonymous's picture

Adventure - Issue 2

Anonymous's picture

Music On TV: April 4-April 8

Today's list brings us several bands I don't listen too. Except maybe Moby.
But I've heard some of these bands are "cool" or "rip-offs" (The Bravery) so there you go.

Monday April 4:
THE FRAMES - Last Call with Carson Daley
Moby - Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tuesday April 5:
HOT HOT HEAT - Conan O'Brien

Wednesday April 6:
Moby - Conan
The Bravery - Jimmy Kimmel. Watch the band that Mogwai and everyone else hates!
Bloc Party - David Letterman

Thursday April 7:

Friday April 8:

Current Music: New Order - power, corruption & lies

Anonymous's picture

I'm not dead.

Hey everyone. I bet you all thought I was dead!
Well it turns out, it was all an April Fools joke.
Not MY joke, but my DOCTORS joke.
Apparently he spent the morning of April 1st phoning all his patients telling them they had terminal illnesses.

I asked him if he thought that was such a good idea. Later I found out that 2 of his patients committed suicide after he talked to them. He had told them they had Brain AIDs and that blood would start shooting out of their eyes before lunch.

So, I spent the last few days getting all the stuff I had promised in my Will back from various people. Davie really didn't want to give up my collection of Barely Legal. That bastard! I let him keep the June and July 2001 issues. Those girls looked Very Legal anyways, and not Barely Legal like usual. What's the point? If you can't pretend that they just turned 18 and then headed straight to a photo shoot, well.. it's kinda hard to whack off then isn't it??

Anyways, I'm going to go siphon gasoline from parking lots. Later

Current Music: Tubthumping (Trent Reznor Remix)
Current Mood: vomitorium

Anonymous's picture

The teens like the mouth action


I love the wording on this article.

"Oral sex delights teens more than the vaginal sex"

"the teens feel that the oral sex is safer for their health and emotions than vaginal sex."

Excessive use of the word "the".

"Almost one-third said they intended to begin with oral sex within the next six months, compared to 26.2 percent who intended to stick to vaginal sex."

"stick to vaginal sex"? That sounds gross.
Anonymous's picture


Stephen's job is the stupidest piece of fuck ever.

Current Music: The Wedding Present - Seamonsters
Current Mood: disappointed

Anonymous's picture

(no title)

I have often been asked on the street "Achilles, what is your favourite
tool?" And so I've finally decided to put together a list, so you will
stop asking me these questions as I'm hanging around the school trying
to pick up girls.

Here is a short list of some of my favourite household tools: In no particular order.

Butter Knife:
The butter knife is one of those household tools that have numerous
uses so long as you are inventive and have nothing else laying around.

You can use a butter knife to pry things open with, such as small
stubborn boxes or miniature crates or perhaps an electrical outlet you
have accidently fused to the wall with lead paint. You can use it as a
flathead screwdriver to rescrew in that electrical outlet once you have
pried it from the wall. You can use it as a scraper, to smooth out the
spackle used to repair that hole in the wall. You can use it as a
letter opener, though you might just want to throw the letter in the
garbage, as it's probably not worth reading anyway. You can even use it
with any luck, to spread butter onto bread. Though I havn't yet tried
that last one.

Chop Sticks:
I don't actually know how to properly use these. But I believe that
they make me look sophisticated and suave if I have some around.
Everytime I order Japanese food, they throw a bunch at me. So I put
them away just in case I need some. I have a drawer full of them now. I
like to show them off to the ladies. "Hey ladies," I say. "Look at all
the chopsticks I have!" Then they gush and reply "Ohh, you are ALL man,

You can bang shit with it. Though if you have a Robertson Screwdriver
(see below) you probably don't really need one of these, just use the
handle of the Robertson Screwdriver to bang whatever you need to bang.
It'll probably work just as well.

Remote control:
is this a tool? Whatever, I'm missing my amplifier one. Did you take
Where would the world be without the Remote control? Probably
outside somewhere getting our Vitamin D from natural sources such as
the sun. And who wants that? That is what milk is for! The one downfall
with the Remote Control are the batteries. I have 18 remote controls in
various places around the house and they all seem to take different
sizes of batteries. I have one remote that requires 4 AA batteries for
Christ's sake! And it STILL won't change anything when I'm pointing it
THROUGH a glass coffee table, I have to actually RAISE my arm to
operate the mother fucker. Conclusion: Tesla Coils.
Also, if you know where my Amplifier Remote is, please write me back.
Its a Yamaha one, wide and thin with a million buttons on it.

Robertson Screwdriver:
Because there ain't nothing else you can use to unscrew one of those
fuckers. Except maybe prise it off with a butter knife. For those of
you who don't know what a Robertson Screwdriver is, or don't want to
click on the link, or are reading this so far into the future that the
link has long since expored, a Robertson Screwdriver is one of those
square-shaped ones that require you to go to Canadian Tire
and buy a new screwdriver. There are like 6 different sizes, and
chances are you don't have the right screwdriver for the one you're
trying to unscrew.

The pencil is one of those great inventions of the 20th century that
you wondered how the world could have lived without before it was
invented. The pencil was invented in 1938 by a hungry writer named H.B.
Penzil, who stole the idea from some guy in the 1880s who never got
anywhere in life by inventing writing utensils. Anyhow, fast forward to
today. The pencil should be used by NASA instead of those pens
they researched and built inthe 60s that can (ooooh) write in 0-Gravity
and upside down and what-not. Well I hate to tell you Nasa-Nerds this,
but the pencil can do all of that, plus if you get one soft enough, you
can write UNDER WATER! Also, a pencil wont explode or leak in the
washer or dryer thereby ruining that nice Purple dress shirt that all
the girls give you sexy compliments on. The pencil is an invention
unique to the illiterate and non-artistic as something they will never
ever need, unlike lettuce, which by the way you should buy because your vegetable crisper has turned it all soggy and limp.

The Mouse:
This is a wonderful tool that I use to kill the enemy with. My speed
and dexterity with the deadly optical mouse are only out-weighed by my
keen eye for aliens, monsters and mercenaries. And small children if
they get in my way. Ok, this is a complete lie. I am not that awesome
at first-person-shooters. In fact, I've regularly been "fragged" by
some pasty skinned 12 year old in wyoming who talks trash like a 6'6"
300lb Hell's Angel with something to prove. The trick apparently in
these games is to "kill the other guy before he kills you." Something
that I seem completely unable to do, as none of these games are very
realistic. When you shoot a man in the chest, The chances of him
continuing to run AND jump across the street like a speed-pumped
kangaroo are very slim. The chances of him spinning around in MID-AIR
and shooting you are even slimmer. Especially when you recently shot
his right hand with a previous round. Hows that noodle-armed geek
supposed to apply any pressure onto that handgrip AND pull the trigger
when his hand has a hole in it and he's been shot in the chest?
Anyways, yay for the mouse.

Socket Wrench:
The beauty of a socket wrench, is that its like a regular wrench, only
you can crank it to tighten / loosen the bolt, and then rotate it
without loosening the bolt and RE-CRANK it! Without removing the tool
from the bolt! Its beautiful! Especially if you have one with a long
handle, because then you can really hammer down on it!

Bath Brush:
This is an indespensible bathroom tool. It allows you to reach that
part of your back that no amount of twisting and turning without
developing a cramp or a nasty fall will reach. If you do not have one,
you are gross and this is the reason that you do not have a girlfriend.
Go and wash your back you filthy pig. Also, this tool can be used to
clean your toilet in a pinch. Just don't use it again afterwards.
Because that is just plain gross.

The Garbageman:
The Garbageman is the tool I use about once a week to dispose of my
garbage. Without this tool, my house would be a stinking mess with
refuse piled in every corner until the health and welfare services came
and locked me away. So the Garbageman is an important tool to a healthy
lifestyle free of being incarcerated as a health-hazard.

So there you have it, my list of some of my favourite tools. There are
many more tools that I enjoy, but I can't think of them right now and I
don't want to do any research on this article as you may have already

Current Music: Astral Projection
Current Mood: accomplished
Anonymous's picture

Advice for the unadvised.

I had an idea for something to write here while I was making my Tool
list, but I've forgotten it, so I decided I'm going to start an advice

Today's topic is Sex.

Lubrication is the key!

Important Sex tip:

Regarding Anal sex;

Shampoo is not a good substitute for proper lubrication.

For these following reasons:

1) The ensuing bubbles will in fact stain the sheets, carpet, tablecloth, sofa and television.

b) It sometimes burns when you pee afterwards. I imagine its worse for
the other individual involved. Or better, I mean afterall, they are
getting a squaky clean enema.

3) Shampoo actually becomes viscous after a while.

And always remember to get the other person's consent before hand. Do
not grab the shampoo willie-nillie, jam it in their rear give a good
squeeze and then drive through them like your evading the London
via the Chunnel hoping to make it to France before the gas
runs out.

Oh, and use a condom.

Current Mood: Informative

Anonymous's picture

Advice for the unadvised, Part Deux.

Since I started my advice column, oh about five
hours ago or so, I've had literally dozens of people come up to me on
the streets and say to me: "You gave some really strong and sagely
advice on anal sex a couple of hours ago, but I need some help to get
that far. What kind of advice can you give me on dating?"

Well, Mike Fitsimmonds, at 1113, 17th St North, who can be reached at 320-0428, here is an
important Tip:

Remember their name.


Girls hate to be called by the name of another person. Or just as bad: "you" as in "Hey you."

If you have to, write it on your thumb. This way when you get all
romantic and go in for the kiss, you can place your hand softly on her
cheek, look into her eyes, glance over at your thumb and call her by
her name!

Or his name for that matter. I know I get uncomfortable when a girl
insists on calling me Jack, or Tom. Its not a deal-breaker, but it may
get a little strange on the wedding day.

"...Do you, Achilles, take this woman to be your..."

"Achilles, who's this Achilles?"

"Well, thats me baby."

"I thought your name was Tom! How can I marry you? I don't even know you! You have so many secrets!" Then she runs off crying.

But don't worry, there is etiquette regarding this, which is you marry the Maid of Honour. Better make sure she's hot.

Now don't quote me on this, as I never do any research into these things.

Current Music: Astral Projection
Current Mood: Sagely

Anonymous's picture

Announcing a new Charity.

I am proud to announce a new charity, run by The Future Shock Foundation.

The Buy Akolade an Alesis A6 Andromeda Synth Fund for Starving Cancer Ridden Orphans

How Does It Work?
You send Akolade money. Once he gets roughly $3000 in U.S. dollars, he buys an Alesis A6 Andromeda Synthesizer.

How Does This Benefit Starving Cancer Ridden Orphans?
Studies have shown that orphans, especially malnourished ones with terminal illnesses, love electronic music. By allowing me to purchase an Alesis A6 Andromeda Synthesizer, you are giving the orphans new electronic music to enjoy and get them through the tough times ahead.

Child TypeLove Of Electronica
Cancer Ridden40%
Starving Cancerous Orphan100%

Wouldn't it be better to give the money straight to the orphans?
No, because then I wouldn't get an Alesis A6 Andromeda Synthesizer. Dummy.

For information on how to give Akolade your hard earned money, post a comment and I will get back to you.

Remember, it's for the children.

Current Music: The Cure

Anonymous's picture

Music Release Dates.

Music of Interest:

April 5:
Magnolia Electric Co. "What Comes After The Blues" (yes it's out now!)

April 26:
New Order "Waiting for the Sirens' Call"

May 2:
Teenage Fanclub "Man Made" (or may 9 depending on where you read it)

May 10:
Weezer "Make Believe"

May 24:
Stephen Malkmus "Face The Truth"

Silver Jews "Tanglewood Numbers" or "This Album Will Be The Best Album of 2005" (working titles)

So much music. So little money. Not to mention I still don't have the new Decemberists.. Superwolf..Kings of Convenience.. Alasdair Roberts.. Wedding Present...


Current Music: Polvo - Today's Active Lifestyles

Anonymous's picture

A Boring Update Post!

Favour DVD:
Burning as we speak! Cover is not even begun! How will I affix 3 DVDs within a normal DVD case? Idea:
Take an old CD-R case, carve out the spindle, glue it to the left side of the case. (I've done this with a jewel case before, works well). Well, that will hold 2 discs. There is still another. I think for this middle disc, I will try to find a plastic slipcase, and glue it to the inside spine. I don't know where I can find a plastic slipcase though. Do they sell those? I may have to make a paper one. Or a cardboard one. I just don't want it falling out of the case. This is boring.

I have Achilles' Viper4 at my house. I am going to put in the HDDs and start setting it up with Zope this weekend.

Dinosaur Jr:
Reunited and appearing on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson next Friday! April 15th. I can't believe it.. the original Dinosaur Jr., first ever live TV appearance. Also, their first 3 albums have been re-released and remastered thanks to Merge Records. Excellent.

Akolade CD:
I made a kick ass case. In fact, it's totally complete. NEXT WEEK I will finally give CKXU a triumvirate of music; Akolade, Favour, Square Waves. They can toss them all straight into the garbage! Or not. I'm sure Mitz will play them.

Air Conditioning doesn't work. Cruise Control doesn't work. At one point, the lights were flickering and the defrost turned on and off by itself. I wrapped electrical tape around an exposed wire. The new battery works however.


Gone till Sunday, then possibly gone for a month and half. Also, he has no chequing account and doesn't pay his bills.


Prince Rainier:

Tony Roma's Coleslaw:
Anonymous's picture

Music On TV: April 11-15

A big week in Music on TV! For one reason only.. Friday.

Monday April 11:
The Dears - Carson Daly (Repeat)

Tuesday April 12:

Wednesday April 13:

Thursday April 14:

Friday April 15:
Dinosaur Jr. - Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. The Original Lineup! That means J, Lou and Murph! Set your VCR bitch!


Also, I just saw this bands video last night: Castle Project. If you are going to rip off a band, rip off a good band and do it well. They did just that with this Grandaddy-esque song. I am very interested to hear the rest of their album. I really liked the song, and it's not an insult to say they were copping heavily from Grandaddy. I believe they are from Vancouver or something. Good new music.
Anonymous's picture

Ultima Online

Whilst at EB Games with Achilles today, I spied a copy of Ultima Online for $4.95. It even came with Ultima 9 as a bonus!
Every time Achilles gets an email from Ultima Online, he likes to forward it along to me.

You see, Ultima Online has been going for 7 or 8 years now. It still uses the same fucked-up isometric 2D graphics it did when it started. Oh sure, they maybe had 3d-ized some of the sprites, but the game is still an isometric godawful looking thing. Electronic Arts took Ultima and fucked it in the ass with a rusty bust of Vladimir Lenin covered in roaches and oozing sores amputated off of Vietnamese hookers.

Here is the Ultima Saga:

Akalabeth (AKA Ultima 0). Programmed by Richard Garriott in his closet. Sold in zip loc bags. Eventually one of those ziploc bags got to a game company (since I don't want to research at all, I think It was something like California Pacific or some company name like that). It sold pretty damn well and earned Richard (AKA Lord British) some sweet-ass cash.

Ultima 1. Programmed by Richard Garriott in his closet. This game started the Ultima saga, and guess what, Richard didn't have to finish college because he was making assloads of games programming stuff in his closet!

Ultima II: This was the first Ultima game I ever saw or played. I remember being in this computer store, and it was running on one of the Apple IIe machines there. I thought Lord British was some actual royalty from England who decided to make computer games. It was one of the most impressive demo's ever. The dragon. The fire breath. The fire breath sound effect. The way the logo would flash 5 or 6 times before it went into it's demo game screen loop. We eventually bought it and it was the hardest game ever. My brother had a character named Budweiser. Basically you would die in a few moves if you didn't get into a town first. Plus your fucking guy ate like mad. He was always needing food or else he'd die. But the cloth map was cool, and hangs on my wall today.

Ultima III: Exodus. Never played it but it had some freaky box art. As did Ultima II.

Ultima IV: Richard probably didn't write this one in his closet. He probably had a place by then. This was the dawn of the Avatar, etc.

Ultima V: Like IV but with slightly prettier graphics and some dudes in cloaks.

Ultima VI: Probably my favorite computer game of all time. Yes sir. First Ultima written for PC. VGA graphics. MIDI music. Wowza. It was awesome.

Ultima VII: Probably my favorite computer game of all time. Oops. Well, they both are. This game was beautiful. I remember which episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation was showing that Friday (it was a new one). It was that stupid one with Lwaxana Troi and Worf's son, and she's getting married and they have a mud bath and she's naked. I would hate that episode a lot more if I didn't have pleasant Ultima memories associated with it. Because of that reason only, I don't mind that episode.

Ultima VII Part 2 (Serpent Isle): More of the same but it was a good game as well, with better portraits and stuff. It was most fun.

Ultima VIII: Ooops. Something went HORRIBLY WRONG. Is it a coincidence that Electronic Arts purchased Origin before this game got released? I doubt it. Remember, Garriott made the president of EA (Tripp Hawkins) a slain pirate in Ultima 6. Remember the evil shapes in Ultima 7 were a Pyramid, Cube, and Sphere. Maybe EA had it in for Ultima?? This game had nice graphics but had many many things wrong:

1) No schedules
2) Platform jumping puzzles (later fixed a bit in a patch but still stupid)
3) Was on a really dreary planet
4) No daytime/nighttime
5) No parties
6) The isometric angle caused you to lose things behind walls
7) The Avatar can't walk over darts or pillows. What a fucking retard.

I remember the episode of Frasier that was on when I bought it. It was the one where Frasier, Niles, and .. the dad traveled in a giant Trailer.
I did eventually play and finish this game. But it kinda sucked. Some of the music was quite atmospheric and decent though.
They should of stuck with the U7 engine.

Ultima 9: Uuum. Wow. This game was a disaster. And yet, I liked it, and it had sweet-ass graphics. It was just buggy as all hell, had some bad voice acting, and the world felt unfinished. Towns were ridiculously small. Lord British's castle was a giant empty room basically. The story sorta sucked and didn't tie into previous Ultima's very well. It just didn't feel like an Ultima. But, I still thought it was fun. It was nice to look at.

Now, somewhere inbetween Ultima 8 and 9, they released Ultima Online. It basically started MMORPG's. It was good. Ok, I never played it, but people liked it. But, it has basically stuck around for years. Every now and then they'll add some new, ridiculous element into the mix. The most recent one was Samurai's. SAMURAI'S. How gay is that? Answer: very.
This is their next iteration of Ultima Online:

There was hope. They were working on Ultima Online 2. Full 3D. Then they cancelled it. Next they were working on Ultima X. Full 3D. Then.. they cancelled it! They put the programmers to work on the latest stupid update of Ultima Online!

Seriously, the screenshots on the back of the UO box I was looking at looked like this:

Well, sorta.

So.. uh. Time to let it die.
Let it die, EA.

Ultima is dead. You killed it. It's over now. It's dead. You did what you set out to do. You defeated Ultima once and for all. They won't be making you into a drunken pirate anymore. Bury it and move on.

Destroy Sid Meir's games next. I heard he has it coming.
Anonymous's picture

Advice for the Unadvised: Part Tres

The other day, a guy stopped me at the door of a strip club and said to me: "Didn't we ban you from this establishment last weekend?" To which I replied: "Nah, musta been someone else."

Once I did get inside, a few guys came up to me, recognizing me from my semi-bi-weekly advice column and had a few questions for me.

They asked me to give them some advice on foreplay and oral sex. So here is my advice for them:


If you are fast enough, these can be one in the same.


Now, most columnists and advisors will tell you not to rush into anything and to let things come naturally. Hell, Sue, if we listened to you, the human race would never procreate! No, men!
We must take matters into our own hands if we want to hit a home run.
And the best way to do this is my "Octopus" method of making out. Which then turns a normal session of necking into foreplay! Yes, you read it here first. Making out can also be foreplay!

You just need to rush things a little.

A goal I try to aim for is to have my hand up the girl's shirt about 30 minutes into things. So roughly just after the opening credits of the movie depending on how many trailers there are.

If you are having a tough time reaching this goal, my suggestion is: Roofies.

Once you are fiddling under her bra with her nipples and forcing your tongue down her throat, you can check "foreplay" off your list of things to do this evening.

Now, after the movie, you may want to take her back to your place, or in the case of you hopeless losers still living with mom and dad, to a motel. Don't bother with a hotel, she's probably not worth it if she's putting out on the first date.

Once you're at the motel, or in your living room, increase the foreplay a bit. Unlock her NORAD-Approved Three Hook Bra for easier access to her jubblies and go to town all the while still swapping saliva like a drunken sailor on a 48 hour leave pass.

This is the stage where you find out if you're go for launch. Remove
your shirts. If the shirts come off easily, you are now on the Autobahn of love, heading for Antwerp
for the big diamond heist of the night. Once the shirt is off (though you may want to skip to this part even whilst the shirts are still on)you may enter into what I like to call the Raspberry Shortcake Taste Testing. Meaning: you begin to lick and suck on her nipples to guage how horny she is... or how sensitive her nipples are. Be aware, boys, the two aren't always linked! If she sighs and moans while you're suckling her like the smallest puppy in the litter, then it means either she's really enjoying it, or she's going through the motions hoping you'll skip ahead.

Never suck too hard. Slowly increase the throttle, because some girls like a bit of the rough, but pay attention to her reaction, as if you may get a sharp punch to the side of the head and this puts a damper on the night if she's not liking your hoover-eque abilities.

While you're paying attention to her wonderful fun bags, try going down below. These following steps are important as they dictate whether or not there will be any cunnilingus in her future:

Step one: Reach into her pants/skirt/shorts.

Step two: Dig around until you discover the wet spot.

Step three: Probe the wet spot.

Step four: Remove probe and inspect nasally.

If it smells bad, it means that this hag you took home is unclean. After you have sex with her, send her on her way and instruct her in the importance of proper personal hygiene.

Warning: if you are not a fan of seafood, you may think it smells bad anyway.

If it smells a little fishy, this is normal. It means that she has an average grasp of how to wash up and see to herself.

If it smells like your finger, then immediatly tear off her pants and go down on her like she's your favourite dessert as she is a rare and beautiful creature who you should marry as soon as the vicar is awake in the morning.

Anyways, we all know how rare the latter is, so we shall continue onto the next steps.

If she isn't pulling your hand out of her pants, or punching you in the side of the head, it is now time to remove the rest of her clothes.

You should be a good 7 or 8 minutes into this from the time you arrived at home or checked into the motel.

Once you have the clothes removed, go over your checklist one more time to ensure that you havn't missed any steps, the most important being the finger sniff.

Now in addition to the finger sniff, you may want to do a primary taste test. This involves a repeat of the finger test, ensuring that you get a good lather of her bodily fluids onto your index finger and slip it into your mouth. Don't be afraid to really swish it around to ensure that all your tastebuds get in on the action. You don't want to dive down on the girl only to find that she leaves a bitter taste under the left side of your tongue. So really get a good taste of her before you engage.

Once the preliminary tests are complete, you are now safe to go down on her.


Think of her vagina as a ... well not a taco, though that is certainly what it looks like, but instead like, a doorway to her innermost...
well, to the screaming animal she's about to turn into when you make her come about 5 or 6 times in a row without really having to do anything.

The vagina has many different layers and whatnot, which I'm not about to research the proper names of, but are like Labia, Curtain, Flappy Bit, Other Flappy Bit, etc. Each one has it's own importance in finding the screaming, writhing monster that this girl has secreted away inside of her.

To begin with, you need to explore. Exploring is an essential part to the first time you eat a girl out. Each girl has a different hook-up to her vag and not all are the same. They're like complicated Hi-Fi's Not every home theatre is hooked up the same way, which is why the instruction manuals look like telephone directories now. so explore each nook and cranny to find out what she likes. You'll know if she likes it by both a) her breathing and b) her lack of punching you in the side of the head. If she squeezes her thighs tight enough to crush your head like some James Bond henchman, you'll know she's probably enjoying what you're doing (unless its followed up with a sharp punch to the side of your head). Mark that spot with a permanent marker.

Now, if you're lucky and there is some light in the room, a fun thing to do is expose her clit. The clit is by far the most important part of her vagina. Its located at the top of her vagina between the Flappy Bit and the Other Flappy Bit. Its covered by a hood, like its about to go to some sinister secret meeting of the Freemasons. To expose it, just gently press around it. It should pop right out. Some girls have larger clits than others. If its tiny, then stop licking this poor girl out and skip right ahead to the actual sex, because it has been my experience that the smaller the clit the more difficult your job is making her come by manipulating it. Not even worth it. Also, after your done, send her on her way - unless she gives great head or cleans the house - she's not worth having around.

The clit is like the doorbell that awakens the nasty screaming foul-mouthed beast that hides within this diminuative princess laying splayed out on your couch. Be sure to ring it often. Both with the tip of your tongue and the flat of it. In fact, it probably a good rule to just try to use every part of your tongue and lips on this part of her vagina. I mean it can't hurt. And if it does, you will know as she delivers a nasty blow to the side of your head.

After a while, if she's enjoying herself, she will begin to moan, then groan, then swear, then scream. After a few screaming orgasms, she will try to fight you.


Do not let her win.


Grab onto her. I prefer wrapping my arms around her waist and raising my body as though I'm trying to pin her in what is probably an illegal wrestling move. Raising her hips higher than her head puts her at a disadvantage for leverage, and makes the blood rush to her head which she will enjoy as well. So lock on and go for the kill. You should get at least two more good, loud, orgasms until she falls silent. The silent come is what you're looking for. When she can no longer breathe or make a sound. This is when you know you've done your job well and its time too bring it home.

Bring it home quickly however, because I guarantee you boys, that as soon as you dive in balls deep you'll get what I like to call a "Freebie" which is an orgasm you get just for sliding it into home.

Once you're done, you'll be known to all of her friends as a god.
She'll completely forget about the fact that you were fumbling around under her shirt during the movie, spilling her popcorn and dumping her drink into her purse. She'll forget about the fact that you drooled all over her chin after the movie, ensuring that she'll have chapped lips in the morning. She'll forget about your sloppy sucking of her boobs and the fumbling around in her pants. She'll even forget about noticing your novice "finger sniff" test and the follow up taste test.

You will only be known as the 5 star fuck and she will brag to all of her friends about you the next day.

Then you will be beating the pussy off you with a baton.
Anonymous's picture

More Helpful Advice

Achilles, I find your messages appaling and offensive. In order to clean up this place, which you have so defiled with your lessons of debauchery and deviant behaviour, I will now give my OWN advice column:

How To Live Out Your Tentacle Rape Fantasies

Step One: Purchasing the Octopus
Octopus is easy to find in any large city with a China Town or Japan Town or Korea Town or Mongolia Town. Just go to your local asian grocer and you will find octopus-a-plenty. Make sure you get fresh octopus, and not chopped up frozen octopus. Trust me, you don't want a frozen octopus to be probing your orifices, it's just not the same. Now, I'm not saying you need a LIVE octopus. I'm just saying you want a freshly dead octopus.

Now, if you are in a smaller city, this may be some trouble. My suggestion is to go to the local Chinese or Japanese or Korean or Mongolian restaurant and ask them if they can special order you an octopus. Slip in an extra 5 or 10 bucks and order some food and I bet they'll comply.

Step Two: Getting the Octopus Home

All I gotta say is: big orange garbage bag. And a truckbed full of ice. You want to keep that baby fresh!


Step Three: Hiring Midgets
Now you're wondering, how did midgets come into this? Well, you need SOMEONE to control the octopus! Now, if we had access to a master engineer with experience in the field of robot building, we could have him build some sort of endoskeleton which could control the octopus tentacles, but we don't have THAT kind of money. We just paid for a god damn octopus!

So, how the hell do you hire Midgets to help in your tentacle rape fantasy? Easiest way: a classified ad in the paper, and posters around town. The text should read:

CASTING CALL: MIDGETS NEEDED ASAP! For Stage production of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory to play Oompa Loompas. Must be under 3 feet to apply. Will be paid in Small Pairs of Jeans.

That last line is very important. Midgets need small pants, and it's very hard to find a good pair of Jeans that are sized properly for a Midget.

Step Four: Convincing Your Midgets

Alright, so you have 12 midgets lined up at your door, expecting free pants and scripts to a Willy Wonka themed play. Now what??

Well, know this: you will lose some of the midgets. Midgets are like you or I: some are wholesome people, some are not. Don't expect that all midgets are perverts just because of the popularity of Midget Porn. Sit your midgets down, preferebly around a small table or even a low counter top. Explain to them that there's been a change in the script: instead of playing Oompa Loompa's, they will be wearing black body suits and controlling octopus tentacles. You will now lose 10% of your Midgets.

Next, go on to explain there are no free pants. You will now lose an additional 10% of your midgets (Side Note: if you have the money, go out and buy some cut-offs. You will keep 10% of your midgets this way!). DO have free snacks however. We musn't take advantage of the little people. Midgets like foods like any regular sized person: pork rinds and cous-cous.

Next, go on to explain the tentacles will be probing your body. You will now lose an additional 20% of your midgets, unless you live in the "wild" part of town, and then you will gain an additional 20% more midgets once they call their non-actor midget friends up. "Hey Phil, turns out you don't need to be an actor for this job, you just have to control an octopous tentacle and probe this freaks body-holes!".

Ok, about those black body suits. You are going to need tiny full black body suits (complete with masks with eyeholes to aid in accurate probing). Why the body suits? Because, this is a Tentacle Rape fantasy, not a Tentacle Rape Midget fantasy! You don't want to see the Midgets, you want to only experience a series of 8 tentacles violating you in every conceivable way. So, where do you get tiny body suits? Easy, dummy. The Mime Supply Store! Don't have a Mime Supply store? Well then, go to the local thrift stores and start buying child sized black sweatsuits. What about the masks you say? Well remember this: Midgets have full sized heads. Yep. That's why people stare at them! So, it's easy enough to find the black masks. Your local Bondage Supply Store will have the fancy leather/zipper mouthed variety, but ski masks will also do.

Step Five: The Set Up

Ok, now you gotta get everything set up. First of all, you want to have a dark room, to help hide the midgets. Next, you should have a comfortable bed or table to lie on. You want to be elevated as this will help the Midgets get to you at all sorts of angles. Be careful, there will be midgets standing on the table/bed, so try not to kick them off. That would be rude. Also, set up a video camera or two, because you may never do this again and you will want to sell the tape on the Internet for those Niche Market Fetish Porn fans. Also, make sure your Midgets have some good gloves on to help grip those slippery tentacles. Also, make sure you have some good mood music. I would suggest some Barry Manilow or Korn.

Step Six: Let The Raping Begin

Ok, make sure you are all greased up, naked, and ready to be probed. All Tentacle Rapes begin with this phrase: "??????????????????????".
(Note: that requires the Japanese font to view). Or just say "ok, you can start with the tentacle rape now.". Enjoy yourself. Take it all in. Don't forget a thing. Open yourself up to the experience.

Step Seven: Disposing of the Octopus

After you've said "Ta!" to the Midgets, had a shower, and started capturing the video on your computer, you must dispose of the Octopus. You don't want to keep this around. It's already started rotting from being out of the ice for your Tentacle Rape session. Put it back in your orange garbage bag, drive to the "bad side of town", and chuck it in someones yard. You're done!

I hope you all enjoyed reading this article as much as I've enjoyed writing it. By the way, Tentacle rape is disgusting you fucking pervert.


Anonymous's picture

Advice for the unadvised, Part IV: A New Hope

Here is an email I have just recieved:

From: Roger Timmonds
Sent: April 14, 2005 9:06:23 AM
To: Achilles
Subject: How to pick up da chix

Dear Achilles,

Can you give me advice on how to pick up chix?

Well, Roger Timmonds, I have great advice for picking up girls. By the way, they Chicks is spelled with a 'cks' not an 'x'.

Picking up Girls:

I cannot stress this enough:

Bend at the knees and lift with the legs, NOT the back!

Picking up girls with your back can put excessive strain on your spine
and make you pull a muscle or dislocate a disc and whatnot.

Anonymous's picture

I am poor.

I am what is known as Broke Ass Poor.

Levels of Poor:

-Low on Cash:
  • You will only go to a movie at the discount movie theatre.
  • You will not supersize your combo.
  • You will bring a 2 litre bottle of flavoured wine to the party

  • You will only rent movies
  • You will only order a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger (no combos).
  • You will bring the 2-litre plastic pop-bottle type peach flavoured cooler to the party

-Broke Ass Poor
  • You will watch movies that are being shown on TV, or borrowed from friends
  • You will eat whats in the fridge or freezer
  • You will bring nothing to the party

  • You will watch movies on peasant vision
  • You will eat whatever the food depot gives you
  • You will try to mooch as much as possible at the party

  • You will watch movies only if you are in a Sears or Future Shop and one is showing on a TV
  • You will eat whatever you find in the garbage
  • You don't get invited to parties

  • You will create your own movies with pinecones and rocks.
  • You will eat whatever dead animals you find in and around the river
  • You will party with your friends: Mr. Pinecone and Lieutenant Commander Rock

So, I am broke-ass poor. And I am offering a special deal: ZIP DRIVES.
Yes, ZIP drives. What are ZIP drives? They read ZIP disks! What are ZIP disks? They are the coolest storage medium ever! They look like think 3 1/2" disks, but can hold anywhere from 100megs to 250megs. Sometimes 750megs! Imagine the possibilities!
ZIP disks look far more impressive than those pathetic tiny flash cards. Plus, the time it takes to load and write to them can be spent working on your Novel!
I have a shower full of internal ZIP drives ready to be in YOUR PC. So, send me money and I'll send you a ZIP drive. Each drive is $50.
Anonymous's picture

Music, Music?, and Downsizing.

Friday saw the original Dinosaur Jr. perform on Late night television. J Mascis was shrouded in his long gray hair for most of it. He managed to get his guitar to sound exactly like it did on the classic Your Living All Over Me for their performance of Lung. Lou seemed quite content to bang away on the bass. Murph did his part in keeping the performance loud and raw. It was awesome. I wish I could see them on their tour. Will they play Lethbridge? No?

In other music news, I was over a J Ker's house on the weekend, watching him record a new Channel 01 song. New Channel 01 album? EP? Single? They don't know for sure. The song was called "Fuck Off And Die", and is sure to be a radio classic. Maybe it will make it on the next O.C. soundtrack. J says they intend to record all the songs they wrote over the years that never got recorded. Should be interesting.

In other, non-lying news, I am being downsized. Cool!
Well maybe. Well who knows. No one seems to know! Fuck!

Current Music: Travis

Anonymous's picture

Music On TV: April 18-22

This week in music on tv.

Monday April 18:
Kaiser Chiefs - Letterman. I smell a riot.

Tuesday April 19:
The Hives - Conan O'Brien. wow..

Wednesday April 20:

Thursday April 21:
Sparta - Conan O'Brien. The ones that AREN'T in Mars Volta.

Friday April 22:
Guided By Voices - Conan O'Brien. I smell a repeat.
Anonymous's picture

Rosie is a retard.

There was an episode of South Park in which Cartman sees something so funny, that he can no longer laugh (Because he blew his funny fuse). Because it was the funniest thing he has ever seen. He saw two people with asses for faces.

Well, last night I experienced something similar. No, I didn't see people with butt-faces (well... not exactly). I saw a commercial for the upcoming TV Movie "Riding the Bus With My Sister", starring Rosie O'Donnell. In it, Rosie plays a retarded woman.

While watching it, I kept thinking "This has to be a Saturday Night Live fake commercial.." but no, it's real.

I don't mean to make light of the story, or the handicapped. But ... Rosie O'Donnell playing a retard? Yes, it is the most hilarious thing I've seen in a long time.

Ok, I'll be going to hell now.
Anonymous's picture

CBCRadio3 and Me

Each week (or every other week), CBCRadio3 (the show on CBC Radio 2 on Saturday nights) does a little segment called "So Sue Me", in which they compare 2 (or more) songs that sound very similar, like one ripped off the other.

Well, I emailed them with a suggestion to use, and they are using it this Saturday! Grant Lawrance (the host) mailed me and said they'd be "trying out" my suggestion. Turn your radios to CBC Radio 2 at a little after 8:00pm (he said it would be on around 8:20) tomorrow.

What bands will they feature? Well, if you read through this very message board, you may figure that one out. (No, it's not the Shins and Monkey Island).

Plus I get a prize pack. Cool.

CBC loves the Akolade.

Current Music: Jason Molina

Anonymous's picture

(no title)

I've just returned form a small military training exercise in Suffield.
The morning I left was... well about 8 or so days ago I guess. maybe
longer. whenever my last LJ post.

Anyways, the morning I left, it had been raining. And when I got into my car, what did I find?




the entire floor of the passenger seat was holding water. A small lake
if you will. An inch deep, not enough to do any water-skiing or fishing
in, but definately enough to drown in.

So, that was a great start to my exercise.

Then, driving in freezing rain and snow, I got a fever and a viral
infection. Thanks to the fact that I was driving an armoured vehicle
which is open to the elements. And the elements consisted of freezing
and snow.

Then after the stupid exercise, whilst driving home, my vehicle burst into flames.

I am not making this up.

There was a blast of white and black smoke, which quickly filled the
entire vehicle, causing me to no longer see anything as all this smoke
was pouring up out of the cupola. Then there was a blast of flames.

You know those WW2 movies, where when the engine catches on fire and
the flames spew out of the engine? This is what was happening to me.
And my engine isn't safely situated 20 feet our on a wing. It is right
beside me. The flames were pouring out right by my damn head.

So I quickly pulled over to the side of the highway, grabbed the fire
extinguisher, threw open the engine grill and proceeded to fumble with
the safety strap keeping the pin locked into the fire extinguisher.

All my life I have looked at these little zap straps, wondering what
will happen when a fire breaks out and we end up having to actually USE
the fire extinguishers. Well I found out. You don't use them. They are
safely strapped together so the pin wont come out.

So flames growing larger, engine a roaring inferno, I finally broke the strap and put out the flames.

Covering myself of course with the powder that jets out of the extinguisher.

So right now, I hate vehicles. Because they seem to hate me.
Anonymous's picture

(relevant song lyric here)

Well they played my Mogwai/Pilate thing on CBC. Grant Lawrance actually read my whole email on air. He agreed that it was pretty much a rip off. He said that usually they will contact the band in question, to get their say on the matter. However Pilate and their management/label wouldn't respond to any phone calls or emails! That's sort of funny.
I'm hoping my prize pack contains a cheque for $3000. Maybe?

This weekend Channel 01 recorded 3 new songs. However, Lief is gone for another 2 weeks, doing his job selling Encyclopedias door to door. It's a hard sell in todays Internet world. Meanwhile the rest of the band will be recording more music, and the vocals will be recorded when Lief returns. Album title will probably be "Social Statement". And it will have around 15 songs!

In car news: I hate my car.

Ok then.

Current Music: Channel 01 - Ignorance Is Bliss

Anonymous's picture

Music On TV: April 25-29

Some decent stuff this week.
Oh, and Rosie O'Donnell will be plugging her Retard movie all over late night TV this week. Be sure to watch for her!

Monday April 25
A whole lot of nothing.

Tuesday April 26
No music of worth today either.

Wednesday April 27

New Order - Jimmy Kimmel Live. New album tomorrow!

LCD Soundsystem - Late Show with David Letterman. These are Canadian boys (update 4 years later: yes apparently at one time I thought LCD Soundsystem were Canadian. I stand corrected) . Also Amy Sedaris is on, for you fans of her insanity.

The Raveonettes - Conan O'Brien. (new album may 3 for you fans)

Rosie O'Donnell - The Tonight Show. Rosie tells the story of how a man in a wheel chair asked her out on a date.. and she accepted! They had sex in an alley. She was on top.

Thursday April 28
Keane - The Tonight Show. What happens when you combine Coldplay with Travis? You would think absolutely nothing, but actually the answer is Keane.

Paris Hilton - Letterman. Ok, she's not singing. But she's in a movie called "House of Wax". Isn't semen compared to wax sometimes? I don't know.

The Futureheads - Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Who is this band? I forget. I think they are "indie" though.

Rosie O'Donnell - Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Rosie tells the story of how her girlfriend/wife sometimes asks her to do the "retard voice" when they are having sex. LESBIAN SEX.

Friday April 30
Snow Patrol - The Tonight Show. OC Approved!
Anonymous's picture

Car, Dumb

I took my car in to get fixed.
What were the problems? Well, since Achilles and I replaced the battery:
  • Air Conditioning didn't work

  • Cruise Control didn't work

  • The power would sporadically cut out, causing defrost to go on and off and lights to flicker

  • Battery kept dying

Well, I just got the call from the mechanic. What was the problem?
The battery contacts were left loose.
As in.. they weren't screwed on.

So... apparently.. one of us didn't screw them on?? How the hell did that happen?? Actually, I can blame Achilles because he did that part I think.
I have it on video actually.
I will have to go back and watch.
But..I swear we tightened the contacts.

How gay.

Ok, so the Cruise Control still doesn't work. So it wasn't just the battery not being attached. .. uh. Great.
Anonymous's picture

Rambling Update

Viper4: I have finally gotten it to boot. I put my old C: drive in it. Achilles' Windows drive was fuckered. So I formatted the bitch. I will be installing XP on it soon. I have a snazzy new mouse for it. All very exciting. I gotta add Database stuff to my little Blogging software, and soon Fshock.com could be running on our very own machine.

Car: Car is back. It drives.

Arby's: Complete retards. Ordered a combo #2. They didn't give us the sandwhich. Idiots. Boycotted.

MacDonalds: Since I had to go out AGAIN to buy food, I went to MacDonalds to buy a sandwhich. I paid with a $20 and they gave me back 14 dollars in loonies and toonies. Did I get a special Terry Fox one in the mix? NO. Retards. Not boycotted, but I'm watching you.

Wendy's: Haven't eaten there for awhile, but they have consistently the worst service of them all.

Burger King: I don't eat there anymore, because when I eat one of their burgers, it feels like it's in my throat for the rest of the day, just sitting there. It's gross. Although I do like how they taste.

A&W: I don't eat there much, but jesus christ, get some ICE for your drinks!

Dairy Queen: I usually only get ice cream there. I have no problem with them at the moment.

Jack In the Box: The last time I ate there was in Phoenix Arizona, in the "bad" part of town. Everyone spoke spanish, and some people even spoke english! I was glad to drive away from that neighborhood. Note to visitors: stick to Tempe. It's the rich part of town.

Harvey's: I ate there once in Calgary. They make your burger in front of you, like Subway. It was quite tasty.

Calgary: I have lots of music to buy. While checking that "Tempe" was indeed, the part of town where I went to that awesome record store called Stinkweeds, I found out that Manual has a new album. If you like Ulrich Schnauss.. or maybe Boards of Canada, then check Manual out.
Anonymous's picture

Warhol Artwork

I've just finished my painting of Paris Hilton, done in the Andy Warhol style. Take a look:

Anonymous's picture

Hold On Magnolia

Crap balls. Found out that Megatunes is sold out of Magnolia Electric Company tickets. Trying Sloth, but chances are they are also sold out.
Either way I will be in Calgary May 7. Crap. Who would of thought Calgary was so hip to the Jason Molina. Jerks!

*I* listened to Songs: Ohia back when they only had 2 albums out! That's why *I* am cooler than everyone!

*I* knew about the Arcade Fire 2 years ago!

*I* saw Joanna Newsom before she was popular!

"*I* knew the dog BEFORE he came to class!"


Okee, I got tickets. Good. But it's for Songs:Ohia. So I guess I'll see that band instead. I heard they are good.