Today's list brings us several bands I don't listen too. Except maybe Moby.
But I've heard some of these bands are "cool" or "rip-offs" (The Bravery) so there you go.

Monday April 4:
THE FRAMES - Last Call with Carson Daley
Moby - Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Tuesday April 5:
HOT HOT HEAT - Conan O'Brien

Wednesday April 6:
Moby - Conan
The Bravery - Jimmy Kimmel. Watch the band that Mogwai and everyone else hates!
Bloc Party - David Letterman

Thursday April 7:
nothin'

Friday April 8:
nothin'

Current Music: New Order - power, corruption & lies

http://www.expressnewsline.com/phpnews1/news.php?action=fullnews&id=3827

I love the wording on this article.

"Oral sex delights teens more than the vaginal sex"

"the teens feel that the oral sex is safer for their health and emotions than vaginal sex."

Excessive use of the word "the".

"Almost one-third said they intended to begin with oral sex within the next six months, compared to 26.2 percent who intended to stick to vaginal sex."

"stick to vaginal sex"? That sounds gross.

I have often been asked on the street "Achilles, what is your favourite
tool?" And so I've finally decided to put together a list, so you will
stop asking me these questions as I'm hanging around the school trying
to pick up girls.

Here is a short list of some of my favourite household tools: In no particular order.



Butter Knife:
The butter knife is one of those household tools that have numerous
uses so long as you are inventive and have nothing else laying around.

You can use a butter knife to pry things open with, such as small
stubborn boxes or miniature crates or perhaps an electrical outlet you
have accidently fused to the wall with lead paint. You can use it as a
flathead screwdriver to rescrew in that electrical outlet once you have
pried it from the wall. You can use it as a scraper, to smooth out the
spackle used to repair that hole in the wall. You can use it as a
letter opener, though you might just want to throw the letter in the
garbage, as it's probably not worth reading anyway. You can even use it
with any luck, to spread butter onto bread. Though I havn't yet tried
that last one.





Chop Sticks:
I don't actually know how to properly use these. But I believe that
they make me look sophisticated and suave if I have some around.
Everytime I order Japanese food, they throw a bunch at me. So I put
them away just in case I need some. I have a drawer full of them now. I
like to show them off to the ladies. "Hey ladies," I say. "Look at all
the chopsticks I have!" Then they gush and reply "Ohh, you are ALL man,
Achilles!"





Hammer:
You can bang shit with it. Though if you have a Robertson Screwdriver
(see below) you probably don't really need one of these, just use the
handle of the Robertson Screwdriver to bang whatever you need to bang.
It'll probably work just as well.



Remote control:
is this a tool? Whatever, I'm missing my amplifier one. Did you take
it?
Where would the world be without the Remote control? Probably
outside somewhere getting our Vitamin D from natural sources such as
the sun. And who wants that? That is what milk is for! The one downfall
with the Remote Control are the batteries. I have 18 remote controls in
various places around the house and they all seem to take different
sizes of batteries. I have one remote that requires 4 AA batteries for
Christ's sake! And it STILL won't change anything when I'm pointing it
THROUGH a glass coffee table, I have to actually RAISE my arm to
operate the mother fucker. Conclusion: Tesla Coils.
Also, if you know where my Amplifier Remote is, please write me back.
Its a Yamaha one, wide and thin with a million buttons on it.



Robertson Screwdriver:
Because there ain't nothing else you can use to unscrew one of those
fuckers. Except maybe prise it off with a butter knife. For those of
you who don't know what a Robertson Screwdriver is, or don't want to
click on the link, or are reading this so far into the future that the
link has long since expored, a Robertson Screwdriver is one of those
square-shaped ones that require you to go to Canadian Tire
and buy a new screwdriver. There are like 6 different sizes, and
chances are you don't have the right screwdriver for the one you're
trying to unscrew.



Pencil:
The pencil is one of those great inventions of the 20th century that
you wondered how the world could have lived without before it was
invented. The pencil was invented in 1938 by a hungry writer named H.B.
Penzil, who stole the idea from some guy in the 1880s who never got
anywhere in life by inventing writing utensils. Anyhow, fast forward to
today. The pencil should be used by NASA instead of those pens
they researched and built inthe 60s that can (ooooh) write in 0-Gravity
and upside down and what-not. Well I hate to tell you Nasa-Nerds this,
but the pencil can do all of that, plus if you get one soft enough, you
can write UNDER WATER! Also, a pencil wont explode or leak in the
washer or dryer thereby ruining that nice Purple dress shirt that all
the girls give you sexy compliments on. The pencil is an invention
unique to the illiterate and non-artistic as something they will never
ever need, unlike lettuce, which by the way you should buy because your vegetable crisper has turned it all soggy and limp.



The Mouse:
This is a wonderful tool that I use to kill the enemy with. My speed
and dexterity with the deadly optical mouse are only out-weighed by my
keen eye for aliens, monsters and mercenaries. And small children if
they get in my way. Ok, this is a complete lie. I am not that awesome
at first-person-shooters. In fact, I've regularly been "fragged" by
some pasty skinned 12 year old in wyoming who talks trash like a 6'6"
300lb Hell's Angel with something to prove. The trick apparently in
these games is to "kill the other guy before he kills you." Something
that I seem completely unable to do, as none of these games are very
realistic. When you shoot a man in the chest, The chances of him
continuing to run AND jump across the street like a speed-pumped
kangaroo are very slim. The chances of him spinning around in MID-AIR
and shooting you are even slimmer. Especially when you recently shot
his right hand with a previous round. Hows that noodle-armed geek
supposed to apply any pressure onto that handgrip AND pull the trigger
when his hand has a hole in it and he's been shot in the chest?
Anyways, yay for the mouse.



Socket Wrench:
The beauty of a socket wrench, is that its like a regular wrench, only
you can crank it to tighten / loosen the bolt, and then rotate it
without loosening the bolt and RE-CRANK it! Without removing the tool
from the bolt! Its beautiful! Especially if you have one with a long
handle, because then you can really hammer down on it!



Bath Brush:
This is an indespensible bathroom tool. It allows you to reach that
part of your back that no amount of twisting and turning without
developing a cramp or a nasty fall will reach. If you do not have one,
you are gross and this is the reason that you do not have a girlfriend.
Go and wash your back you filthy pig. Also, this tool can be used to
clean your toilet in a pinch. Just don't use it again afterwards.
Because that is just plain gross.



The Garbageman:
The Garbageman is the tool I use about once a week to dispose of my
garbage. Without this tool, my house would be a stinking mess with
refuse piled in every corner until the health and welfare services came
and locked me away. So the Garbageman is an important tool to a healthy
lifestyle free of being incarcerated as a health-hazard.



So there you have it, my list of some of my favourite tools. There are
many more tools that I enjoy, but I can't think of them right now and I
don't want to do any research on this article as you may have already
noticed.




Current Music: Astral Projection
Current Mood: accomplished

Music of Interest:

April 5:
Magnolia Electric Co. "What Comes After The Blues" (yes it's out now!)

April 26:
New Order "Waiting for the Sirens' Call"

May 2:
Teenage Fanclub "Man Made" (or may 9 depending on where you read it)

May 10:
Weezer "Make Believe"

May 24:
Stephen Malkmus "Face The Truth"

July??:
Silver Jews "Tanglewood Numbers" or "This Album Will Be The Best Album of 2005" (working titles)

..
So much music. So little money. Not to mention I still don't have the new Decemberists.. Superwolf..Kings of Convenience.. Alasdair Roberts.. Wedding Present...

Poop!

Current Music: Polvo - Today's Active Lifestyles

A big week in Music on TV! For one reason only.. Friday.

Monday April 11:
The Dears - Carson Daly (Repeat)

Tuesday April 12:
Nothin'

Wednesday April 13:
Nothin'

Thursday April 14:
Nothin'

Friday April 15:
Dinosaur Jr. - Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. The Original Lineup! That means J, Lou and Murph! Set your VCR bitch!

--

Also, I just saw this bands video last night: Castle Project. If you are going to rip off a band, rip off a good band and do it well. They did just that with this Grandaddy-esque song. I am very interested to hear the rest of their album. I really liked the song, and it's not an insult to say they were copping heavily from Grandaddy. I believe they are from Vancouver or something. Good new music.

The other day, a guy stopped me at the door of a strip club and said to me: "Didn't we ban you from this establishment last weekend?" To which I replied: "Nah, musta been someone else."

Once I did get inside, a few guys came up to me, recognizing me from my semi-bi-weekly advice column and had a few questions for me.

They asked me to give them some advice on foreplay and oral sex. So here is my advice for them:


FOREPLAY and ORAL SEX:


If you are fast enough, these can be one in the same.

Yes!

Now, most columnists and advisors will tell you not to rush into anything and to let things come naturally. Hell, Sue, if we listened to you, the human race would never procreate! No, men!
We must take matters into our own hands if we want to hit a home run.
And the best way to do this is my "Octopus" method of making out. Which then turns a normal session of necking into foreplay! Yes, you read it here first. Making out can also be foreplay!

You just need to rush things a little.

A goal I try to aim for is to have my hand up the girl's shirt about 30 minutes into things. So roughly just after the opening credits of the movie depending on how many trailers there are.

If you are having a tough time reaching this goal, my suggestion is: Roofies.

Once you are fiddling under her bra with her nipples and forcing your tongue down her throat, you can check "foreplay" off your list of things to do this evening.

Now, after the movie, you may want to take her back to your place, or in the case of you hopeless losers still living with mom and dad, to a motel. Don't bother with a hotel, she's probably not worth it if she's putting out on the first date.

Once you're at the motel, or in your living room, increase the foreplay a bit. Unlock her NORAD-Approved Three Hook Bra for easier access to her jubblies and go to town all the while still swapping saliva like a drunken sailor on a 48 hour leave pass.

This is the stage where you find out if you're go for launch. Remove
your shirts. If the shirts come off easily, you are now on the Autobahn of love, heading for Antwerp
for the big diamond heist of the night. Once the shirt is off (though you may want to skip to this part even whilst the shirts are still on)you may enter into what I like to call the Raspberry Shortcake Taste Testing. Meaning: you begin to lick and suck on her nipples to guage how horny she is... or how sensitive her nipples are. Be aware, boys, the two aren't always linked! If she sighs and moans while you're suckling her like the smallest puppy in the litter, then it means either she's really enjoying it, or she's going through the motions hoping you'll skip ahead.

Never suck too hard. Slowly increase the throttle, because some girls like a bit of the rough, but pay attention to her reaction, as if you may get a sharp punch to the side of the head and this puts a damper on the night if she's not liking your hoover-eque abilities.

While you're paying attention to her wonderful fun bags, try going down below. These following steps are important as they dictate whether or not there will be any cunnilingus in her future:

Step one: Reach into her pants/skirt/shorts.

Step two: Dig around until you discover the wet spot.

Step three: Probe the wet spot.

Step four: Remove probe and inspect nasally.

If it smells bad, it means that this hag you took home is unclean. After you have sex with her, send her on her way and instruct her in the importance of proper personal hygiene.

Warning: if you are not a fan of seafood, you may think it smells bad anyway.

If it smells a little fishy, this is normal. It means that she has an average grasp of how to wash up and see to herself.

If it smells like your finger, then immediatly tear off her pants and go down on her like she's your favourite dessert as she is a rare and beautiful creature who you should marry as soon as the vicar is awake in the morning.

Anyways, we all know how rare the latter is, so we shall continue onto the next steps.

If she isn't pulling your hand out of her pants, or punching you in the side of the head, it is now time to remove the rest of her clothes.

You should be a good 7 or 8 minutes into this from the time you arrived at home or checked into the motel.

Once you have the clothes removed, go over your checklist one more time to ensure that you havn't missed any steps, the most important being the finger sniff.

Now in addition to the finger sniff, you may want to do a primary taste test. This involves a repeat of the finger test, ensuring that you get a good lather of her bodily fluids onto your index finger and slip it into your mouth. Don't be afraid to really swish it around to ensure that all your tastebuds get in on the action. You don't want to dive down on the girl only to find that she leaves a bitter taste under the left side of your tongue. So really get a good taste of her before you engage.

Once the preliminary tests are complete, you are now safe to go down on her.



IMPORTANT NOTES FOR CUNILINGUS:

Think of her vagina as a ... well not a taco, though that is certainly what it looks like, but instead like, a doorway to her innermost...
well, to the screaming animal she's about to turn into when you make her come about 5 or 6 times in a row without really having to do anything.

The vagina has many different layers and whatnot, which I'm not about to research the proper names of, but are like Labia, Curtain, Flappy Bit, Other Flappy Bit, etc. Each one has it's own importance in finding the screaming, writhing monster that this girl has secreted away inside of her.

To begin with, you need to explore. Exploring is an essential part to the first time you eat a girl out. Each girl has a different hook-up to her vag and not all are the same. They're like complicated Hi-Fi's Not every home theatre is hooked up the same way, which is why the instruction manuals look like telephone directories now. so explore each nook and cranny to find out what she likes. You'll know if she likes it by both a) her breathing and b) her lack of punching you in the side of the head. If she squeezes her thighs tight enough to crush your head like some James Bond henchman, you'll know she's probably enjoying what you're doing (unless its followed up with a sharp punch to the side of your head). Mark that spot with a permanent marker.

Now, if you're lucky and there is some light in the room, a fun thing to do is expose her clit. The clit is by far the most important part of her vagina. Its located at the top of her vagina between the Flappy Bit and the Other Flappy Bit. Its covered by a hood, like its about to go to some sinister secret meeting of the Freemasons. To expose it, just gently press around it. It should pop right out. Some girls have larger clits than others. If its tiny, then stop licking this poor girl out and skip right ahead to the actual sex, because it has been my experience that the smaller the clit the more difficult your job is making her come by manipulating it. Not even worth it. Also, after your done, send her on her way - unless she gives great head or cleans the house - she's not worth having around.

The clit is like the doorbell that awakens the nasty screaming foul-mouthed beast that hides within this diminuative princess laying splayed out on your couch. Be sure to ring it often. Both with the tip of your tongue and the flat of it. In fact, it probably a good rule to just try to use every part of your tongue and lips on this part of her vagina. I mean it can't hurt. And if it does, you will know as she delivers a nasty blow to the side of your head.

After a while, if she's enjoying herself, she will begin to moan, then groan, then swear, then scream. After a few screaming orgasms, she will try to fight you.

seriously.

Do not let her win.

Seriously.

Grab onto her. I prefer wrapping my arms around her waist and raising my body as though I'm trying to pin her in what is probably an illegal wrestling move. Raising her hips higher than her head puts her at a disadvantage for leverage, and makes the blood rush to her head which she will enjoy as well. So lock on and go for the kill. You should get at least two more good, loud, orgasms until she falls silent. The silent come is what you're looking for. When she can no longer breathe or make a sound. This is when you know you've done your job well and its time too bring it home.

Bring it home quickly however, because I guarantee you boys, that as soon as you dive in balls deep you'll get what I like to call a "Freebie" which is an orgasm you get just for sliding it into home.

Once you're done, you'll be known to all of her friends as a god.
She'll completely forget about the fact that you were fumbling around under her shirt during the movie, spilling her popcorn and dumping her drink into her purse. She'll forget about the fact that you drooled all over her chin after the movie, ensuring that she'll have chapped lips in the morning. She'll forget about your sloppy sucking of her boobs and the fumbling around in her pants. She'll even forget about noticing your novice "finger sniff" test and the follow up taste test.

You will only be known as the 5 star fuck and she will brag to all of her friends about you the next day.

Then you will be beating the pussy off you with a baton.

Here is an email I have just recieved:

From:	Roger Timmonds
Sent:	April 14, 2005 9:06:23 AM
To:	Achilles
Subject:	How to pick up da chix

Dear Achilles,

Can you give me advice on how to pick up chix?





Well, Roger Timmonds, I have great advice for picking up girls. By the way, they Chicks is spelled with a 'cks' not an 'x'.



Picking up Girls:



I cannot stress this enough:



Bend at the knees and lift with the legs, NOT the back!

Picking up girls with your back can put excessive strain on your spine
and make you pull a muscle or dislocate a disc and whatnot.



 

Friday saw the original Dinosaur Jr. perform on Late night television. J Mascis was shrouded in his long gray hair for most of it. He managed to get his guitar to sound exactly like it did on the classic Your Living All Over Me for their performance of Lung. Lou seemed quite content to bang away on the bass. Murph did his part in keeping the performance loud and raw. It was awesome. I wish I could see them on their tour. Will they play Lethbridge? No?

In other music news, I was over a J Ker's house on the weekend, watching him record a new Channel 01 song. New Channel 01 album? EP? Single? They don't know for sure. The song was called "Fuck Off And Die", and is sure to be a radio classic. Maybe it will make it on the next O.C. soundtrack. J says they intend to record all the songs they wrote over the years that never got recorded. Should be interesting.

In other, non-lying news, I am being downsized. Cool!
Well maybe. Well who knows. No one seems to know! Fuck!

Current Music: Travis

There was an episode of South Park in which Cartman sees something so funny, that he can no longer laugh (Because he blew his funny fuse). Because it was the funniest thing he has ever seen. He saw two people with asses for faces.

Well, last night I experienced something similar. No, I didn't see people with butt-faces (well... not exactly). I saw a commercial for the upcoming TV Movie "Riding the Bus With My Sister", starring Rosie O'Donnell. In it, Rosie plays a retarded woman.

While watching it, I kept thinking "This has to be a Saturday Night Live fake commercial.." but no, it's real.

I don't mean to make light of the story, or the handicapped. But ... Rosie O'Donnell playing a retard? Yes, it is the most hilarious thing I've seen in a long time.

Ok, I'll be going to hell now.

I've just returned form a small military training exercise in Suffield.
The morning I left was... well about 8 or so days ago I guess. maybe
longer. whenever my last LJ post.

Anyways, the morning I left, it had been raining. And when I got into my car, what did I find?

Water!

Yes!

WATER!

the entire floor of the passenger seat was holding water. A small lake
if you will. An inch deep, not enough to do any water-skiing or fishing
in, but definately enough to drown in.

So, that was a great start to my exercise.

Then, driving in freezing rain and snow, I got a fever and a viral
infection. Thanks to the fact that I was driving an armoured vehicle
which is open to the elements. And the elements consisted of freezing
rain and snow.

Then after the stupid exercise, whilst driving home, my vehicle burst into flames.

I am not making this up.

There was a blast of white and black smoke, which quickly filled the
entire vehicle, causing me to no longer see anything as all this smoke
was pouring up out of the cupola. Then there was a blast of flames.

You know those WW2 movies, where when the engine catches on fire and
the flames spew out of the engine? This is what was happening to me.
And my engine isn't safely situated 20 feet our on a wing. It is right
beside me. The flames were pouring out right by my damn head.

So I quickly pulled over to the side of the highway, grabbed the fire
extinguisher, threw open the engine grill and proceeded to fumble with
the safety strap keeping the pin locked into the fire extinguisher.

All my life I have looked at these little zap straps, wondering what
will happen when a fire breaks out and we end up having to actually USE
the fire extinguishers. Well I found out. You don't use them. They are
safely strapped together so the pin wont come out.

So flames growing larger, engine a roaring inferno, I finally broke the strap and put out the flames.

Covering myself of course with the powder that jets out of the extinguisher.



So right now, I hate vehicles. Because they seem to hate me.

Some decent stuff this week.
Oh, and Rosie O'Donnell will be plugging her Retard movie all over late night TV this week. Be sure to watch for her!

Monday April 25
A whole lot of nothing.

Tuesday April 26
No music of worth today either.

Wednesday April 27

New Order - Jimmy Kimmel Live. New album tomorrow!

LCD Soundsystem - Late Show with David Letterman. These are Canadian boys (update 4 years later: yes apparently at one time I thought LCD Soundsystem were Canadian. I stand corrected) . Also Amy Sedaris is on, for you fans of her insanity.

The Raveonettes - Conan O'Brien. (new album may 3 for you fans)

Rosie O'Donnell - The Tonight Show. Rosie tells the story of how a man in a wheel chair asked her out on a date.. and she accepted! They had sex in an alley. She was on top.

Thursday April 28
Keane - The Tonight Show. What happens when you combine Coldplay with Travis? You would think absolutely nothing, but actually the answer is Keane.

Paris Hilton - Letterman. Ok, she's not singing. But she's in a movie called "House of Wax". Isn't semen compared to wax sometimes? I don't know.

The Futureheads - Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Who is this band? I forget. I think they are "indie" though.

Rosie O'Donnell - Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Rosie tells the story of how her girlfriend/wife sometimes asks her to do the "retard voice" when they are having sex. LESBIAN SEX.

Friday April 30
Snow Patrol - The Tonight Show. OC Approved!

Viper4: I have finally gotten it to boot. I put my old C: drive in it. Achilles' Windows drive was fuckered. So I formatted the bitch. I will be installing XP on it soon. I have a snazzy new mouse for it. All very exciting. I gotta add Database stuff to my little Blogging software, and soon Fshock.com could be running on our very own machine.

Car: Car is back. It drives.

Arby's: Complete retards. Ordered a combo #2. They didn't give us the sandwhich. Idiots. Boycotted.

MacDonalds: Since I had to go out AGAIN to buy food, I went to MacDonalds to buy a sandwhich. I paid with a $20 and they gave me back 14 dollars in loonies and toonies. Did I get a special Terry Fox one in the mix? NO. Retards. Not boycotted, but I'm watching you.

Wendy's: Haven't eaten there for awhile, but they have consistently the worst service of them all.

Burger King: I don't eat there anymore, because when I eat one of their burgers, it feels like it's in my throat for the rest of the day, just sitting there. It's gross. Although I do like how they taste.

A&W: I don't eat there much, but jesus christ, get some ICE for your drinks!

Dairy Queen: I usually only get ice cream there. I have no problem with them at the moment.

Jack In the Box: The last time I ate there was in Phoenix Arizona, in the "bad" part of town. Everyone spoke spanish, and some people even spoke english! I was glad to drive away from that neighborhood. Note to visitors: stick to Tempe. It's the rich part of town.

Harvey's: I ate there once in Calgary. They make your burger in front of you, like Subway. It was quite tasty.

Calgary: I have lots of music to buy. While checking that "Tempe" was indeed, the part of town where I went to that awesome record store called Stinkweeds, I found out that Manual has a new album. If you like Ulrich Schnauss.. or maybe Boards of Canada, then check Manual out.